Do open adoptions "work", or are they more complex than that?

Possum

Open adoptions work when you have unselfish adoptive parents - AND - unselfish biological parents - that have the ABSOLUTE BEST INTERESTS of the child in mind.

It doesn't work when the adults think about their own wants and desires.

Children grow better - emotionally and psychologically when they are allowed to know ALL their families - personally - and they are loved unconditionally by all - and allowed to love all back in the same way.

almost human

It works if the adoptive parents are truly open.

Read this:
Open adoption and returning to the well
http://www.milehighmamas.com/2008/09/16/open-adoption-and-returning-to-the-well/

a very successful open adoption story...

BLW_KAM

We've had an open adoption with our daughter's natural mom and extended family for almost ten years now. At the beginning it was complex, but time has smoothed out many of those early awkward moments.

My daughter has always known she was adopted. She knows "Aunt K" is her natural mother and she knows her brother and sisters. Although we only get together about once a year, we do talk on the phone, e-mail, and share information on MySpace.

My daughter asks very few questions about her adoption. I'm not sure if it's because of her age (she's almost 10) or because her dad and I have talked with her about it since Day 1 and she just wants me to shut up.

We have this open adoption because we didn't want to think there was a woman out there who would never know what became of her baby. That just seemed flat-out wrong to us. Also, we wanted our daughter to know as much about her natural family as she possibly could. When people thought we were nuts for having an open adoption I would say to them, "When she asks where she got her hair from, I want to be able to say Honey, your hair comes from your natural father. Want to see the picture of him again?"

Open adoptions may not be perfect and only time will tell how my daughter feels when she's grown up, but I have to believe that her being armed with knowledge has to be better than a life of unanswered questions.

Romany

As a mother who had joint custody of her two sons (toddlers at the time) with her ex and his girlfriend, I can see parallels in open adoption.

One issue that's different - in joint custody the parties negotiate who will pay for what in addition to how to share the kids' time.

In adoption, as currently practiced, the adoptive parents have all the expenses. The problem is this "ownership" expectation. What does one actually "get" from raising a child? And why do parents feel entitled to "it" (whatever "it" is) by being the ones to change the majority of diapers and fork over the cash.

Wouldn't a guardianship be in the best interests of the child? Why would otherwise "adoptive" parents be opposed to that?

wifeandmom

I can take from personal experience that yes a child's life is better having both families in their life. It gives them a past, a heritage, a knowledge that they are not trash but a diamond (not being rude but it is a really feeling for some children). Yet most of all it gives them a whole picture of who they are. When I look at my children's birth family ( or first relatives I am not sure what to call them on this site) I see my children. The funny faces, the body types, the personality, the medical history, and the just plain fun family they have. My children will grow up knowing they are loved and treasured by all. Both families fought to get to where we are now. It took allot of give and take until we got to a place where both sides are happy. Yet when you get there it is what is best for the children. Ultimately what they need is the most important point to it all.

ETA- Guardianship is not something that is meant to be forever. It can be reversed and they could take their child back at anytime. That is a scary thing to do because you raise a child as your own and they call you mom. Then one day the first mom changes her mind and she gets the child back. It just depends on how much heartbreak someone is willing to take on.

Serenity71

Open adoption can work. And it is complex because human emotions are involved.

But each situation has to be taken into account and not a blanket ideal thrown over it like there has been in the past with closed/sealed adoptions. (You know whats good for one must be for all mentality. )

The one thing that got to me the most wasn't the birth parents requests. But the social workers way of handling it. They basically present us with what the birth parents wanted in contact and we have half an hour to agree to it. Or they basically indicated they would put the signing of everything else on hold. (Dah, like you would when you get a phone call to ask if you'd like to adopt a child after being in the Adoption pool for years.)

So we didn't really get time to think it over the amount that would suit us and them. It was basically presented as "agree or you won't see your daughter until you do."

Open adoption is very new in Aust, there aren't any grown up adoptee's than can say if it worked for them or not. (I hope ours is a good story, and its up to all of us Bmum/Bdad...and adoptive parents to make it work.)

I'm all for the open contact, and developing relationships. I know for our kids it will be healthy for them as they grow to know both the Bmum/dad. But not with a social worker looking over our shoulders and controlling it just so they can put it as a statistic and get a promotion. ( In some cases yes its needed, or just to for the first few meetings.)

Just a note; We were never allowed to directly speak with the birth family about the adoption plan for open contact before it was signed by us, we only had what social workers were telling us about what they thought was 'right' in contact when we dared to question any of it. Hopefully there are another people who had a better experience setting up their adoption 'plans.')

Our daughters Bdad and agreed with us (that it's too controlling ) the first time we were able to meet without the social workers there. So we now email, taking back control and its become more personal and I have a good feeling about that relationship developing naturally over time. I have saved all the emails for them to read in the future. (and I will for future ones as well.) I want them both to be there as the kids grow up, and the other siblings too.

It can't be forced to meet an agenda because that's the best way to make an open adoption closed.

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