Do people get Adoptive Parents?

OK, I've seen people on here calling Adoptive Parents greedy. They say we don't understand a biological mother's pain. Well I'm a biological mother and an Adoptive Mother. And when I relinquished I was crushed and heart broken. However, I knew my child was going to a great family with great beliefs and that would love the child just as much as I did. Which is why I adopted.

Do you realize that Adoptive Parents have paint too? When my kids would ask questions about their biological parents that I couldn't answer, I was so hurt because I wish I knew. I really did. I was hurt when my two overseas adopted children were teased because they looked nothing like me or my husband. I was crushed when my oldest adopted child found his biological mother and began slowly floating away from me until he realized that he needed both moms to love him. I was crushed when all 9 of my adopted kids yelled at me "Your not my real mother!" or when one of adoptive kids wouldn't call me "mom" because they said I wasn't their mom.

Yes, maybe our pain isn't as big as the biological mother's. But we do have pain.

Do people really understand that?
Additional Details
I gave up my baby because I simply wasn't ready in many ways. Young (only seventeen), finacially (didn't even have a job) and maturity (I still thought a good time was partying).

We didn't steal the babies. The bio-mothers made that descision. We didn't make them have pain.

Freckle Face

Dear Kimberly,

Maybe not everyone "gets" us adoptive parents but i sincerely hesitate to compare any pain we might go thru with that of a relinquishing mother or an adoptee.

Yes, again we may have pain but its not the same. Not even close.

Possum

Personally - I'm far more concerned with the pain the adoptee goes through - as they have absolutely NO say in any of it.

casttostrangers

'Well I'm a biological mother and an Adoptive Mother."

You speak a lot about your pain
Your pain as biological mother
Your pain as Adoptive Parents
Your pain as your adoptive children try come to grips with their pain and hurt your feelings
Cant help but notice only ones pain you didn't mention is the child you placed pain when they find out you went on to adopt after.
Been there and I can tell you it cuts like a knife

Just a Mom

I get adoptive parents. I am one. I even get people with a lot of kids. I have 7. But I don't get giving your baby up, then having 2 more kids, and adding the finishing touch of 9 more adoptions. I don't get that at all. I have a lot of kids because I kept a sibling group together. Why did you do it?

BLW_KAM

Kimberly,
Quite frankly, many people here on Y!A don't care how we, the adoptive parents, feel. We are the bad guys. Any difficulties we have gone through or the pain we have felt on behalf of (or because of) our children is justified as a result of our greed and selfishness.

But we know better, don't we?

magic pointe shoes

What kind of adopted person needs this kind of guilt? That's what I'd like to know. They are the cause of pain for their natural parents and the cause of pain for their nurturing parents. Rock and a hard place it seems.

Mei-Ling

Call me naive, but I do not understand.

"Well I'm a biological mother and an Adoptive Mother. And when I relinquished I was crushed and heart broken."

You had to relinquish. You KNOW what that pain IS. Yet you still wanted to adopt, knowing you would *help* to contribute that exact same pain onto another woman?

Ah, more Thumbs Down for speaking the truth.

Casttostrangers: Thank you. You nailed it.

Serenity71

Do people really understand that?

Do you really expect people to understand unless they have walked in your shoes. I don't

I also don't compare my painful experiences in life to other peoples pain.

Its wrong to do that. We all react differently to grief, some learn to live with it others don't. Some take more time to heal wounds and some wounds just become a dull ache for some people but never really heal at all.

I usually find when people do say "my pain is greater you don't understand" that it's because all they really want is understanding because the people around them failed to show them any comfort and dismissed it, or told them to forget about it.

When it comes to your kids of course your going to hurt when you see them hurting. It all comes with loving them and wanting the best you can possibly give too them. I guess you'd have to be a parent to understand that...

Looney Tunes

Hmm..this is confusing. You abandoned than "saved?"...and two IAs. Woa.

What is this called in psychology...... When you try to make right the wrongs that you did previously, unconsciously?

Man, this is confusing.

Lori A

There are many different kinds of adoptive parents. Some I get and some I don't.

I'm not real sure I understand you or your motives for adopting so many children.

I don't like your attitude toward first parents at all.

You do seem to be over compensating for a decision you made and the pain it must have brought you. I wonder if it will work?

Silver C: thanks for putting words in my mouth. You seem to know a lot about me.

Gabbie

OK, I'm a biological mom as well and I have had 6 other kids since I gave birth to him. And I may not understand adoptive parents as I am not one, however, I can understand how you feel.

I see comments when people say the biological parents changed their minds. People say they are greedy for adopting these children.

Honey, you didn't STEAL five babies. No. You didn't do that. You gave them HOMES. Does anyone get it's the biological parents choice to put the baby up for adoption, NOT the adoptive parents? I got yelled at for "abandoning" my baby when i gave him up for adoption. Now people yell at adoptive parents, which makes me SICK. These babies are placed up for adoption by their parents and it is their PARENT'S choice! Not ours!

I think about it like this: if a mother who knows she cannot fully provide for the baby she has, keeps the baby and soon they have no money or are hardly ever there, a big thing happens. (a) the baby bonds with his/her mother (b) eventually the baby will end up in foster care. Which is a whole lot worse then adoption. Bouncing around from place to place. When your adopted it permanent.

And so what if she adopted after she gave her baby up for adoption? Read the book Birth mothers, people. In that book, someone who is a birth mother gave her child up for adoption and then ADOPTED. Oh my gosh! What a crime! Let's get her! (note the sarcasm).

In conclusion, some people don't get birth parents because they only want to believe what they want to believe. There are pros and cons to every adoption.

I don't get how people don't see that.

Indian-vision

I am sorry to read you are getting so much flack here like all adoptive parents do in this section. y/a is a very strange place.
Well people do not get it and every one believes "pain intensity" is a pissing contest." My pain is far greater than yours.....hah!! What pain do you have....blah blah" I think any one on a self pity trip can never see beyond themselves and thats life!

sunny

WOW.

You abandoned a child--then adopted another woman's child.

There really are NO WORDS...

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