Do people so easily forget...?

wynn

I haven't forgotten for one minute that my children will be adults one day and will have their own opinions about adoption. That was one of the things I spent the most time with reading and talking to adult adoptees and preparing myself for. All the way through, we thought about how we would defend our choices and our behavior to our grown children. Actually, I kind of envisioned angry teenagers.

That's why we ended up doing adoption of older children who had been in an orphanage. My two children from Africa are quite articulate already in telling me how they feel about their father(angry, he abused them), how they miss their mother (who passed away), how they feel about adoption, how they miss their homeland, how much they love America, how much they love us, but how I'm not the same as their real mom.

My other son was adopted as a toddler but relinquished shortly after birth. He has no memories of his mother. Still, thinking about what he would want as an adult, and what I myself would want, we did find her right away and have kept in touch and supported her for eight years - until she married and cut off contact. I also searched here in the US and just in the past month found my son's thirteen year old sister for him. I'm pretty proud of that. We never would have known she existed if we hadn't searched right away for his mother. If I'd done like we APs are told to do, I would've put his mom's name away for him until he turned eighteen - eight years from now - and what are the chances we would find her then? As it is, I spent seven years finding his sister, but they now have a relationship. (And she has pictures and information about her mom & family)

I would be surprised if my kids came to me and made an announcement that they would rather have grown up with their first family. We operate under that assumption already, no announcement is necessary. Who wouldn't want to grow up in the family they were born to, if it was a non-abusive situation? It's not a competition. All I would like from my children when they are adults is that they feel we love them, did the best we could for them, and always thought of their needs first. That doesn't mean they have to love adoption or forget that they were relinquished.

Sophie

I've told my son that his feelings are his and I respect them. I don't think that will change. He is a human and adoption was something that happened to him without his consent. As an adult he will still be entitled to his own opinions.

I don't understand what you are getting at with your question-- do you want adoptive parents to say oh no, he will hate me, I will just return him to his natural family and pay for them to keep him instaed of me...!?!?!?!

I love him no matter what. PERIOD.

Freckle Face

Hi Mei-Ling,

I think of this often. That is why i really try to listen and understand what i hear in this forum. Sometimes people come up with things i never would have thought of. My opinions and thoughts on adoption are always evolving and i like that.

I would say that she has every right to feel the way she does. I would love to hear more about how she feels and that no matter what she says I'm on her side. I would really try to listen and understand because she is the one who had to live with adoption every day of her life.

bestadvicechick

When a parent or parents (APs) have done their best to love, inform, and provide for their adopted child, then there's no need to fear their grown child having questions or perhaps viewing adoption in a different way. Questions should always be welcome whether as a child or an adult. There's nothing wrong with adult adoptees changing their perception on adoption. In fact, it most certainly will happen because as we grow, we learn new facts and see things differently. That can be said of anything, not just adoption. I used to see the church in one way when I was young but now I see it a different way. That's just a result of maturing, experiences, and learning. If I adopted a child & he or she grew up to really question adoption, I would just ask them be wary of judging all adoptions as one way or another. Nothing in life is black or white. Those on here who paint adoption as all evil are wrong. And those who paint it as all happiness & light are wrong as well. The fact is, for some, it can be a great experience and for others, it can be awful. That's just life.

Kazi

My children are entitled to their opinions and I hope they take me at face value when I say that I am open to their feelings and would support any effort to search and have a relationship with their first parents. As for why many APs don't think about their child as an adult, it is because the years go by fast enough. We live in the now. Does that mean I don't ever think about what the future holds for them in terms of their adoptive status? No, of course not. However, these years are precious and I think the best course of action (for me) is to take it day by day and take cues from their personalities rather than put what I assume they will feel because of what others have told me those feelings would be, on them.

mr. domestic

OF course adoption isn't a HAPPY HAPPY image. A child is not with it natural family. But, there are reasons for that. I feel like I have been doing a good thing providing a safe and nurturing home to children of all ages while their parents get their lives back on track. Some of those parents don't get their lives back on track and these children need a forever home. They deserve to be part of a loving family not just kept in foster homes forever. I am adopting a little one that we have had since she was 7 weeks old. (now almos t2 years)She was already abused and her older siblings were also. We have a tough road ahead to tell her someday why her parents did not keep her. Nor did they put up a fight once she was taken away. They just gave up.
We expect her to have a lot of questions and sadness but we will be there for her. ( we have the same questions she does)

TEACHER

As an adopted child I can say that there were times when I wished that I lived with my bio family. You know when I was given a curfew and an allowance. Then I met my bio family who stayed intact and had 4 more children none of whom went to college, have had good marriages or lack of addictions and counted my blessings that God had a plan for me that was greater than I knew.

almost human

THERE ARE a few people out there adopting for all the right reasons.
i applaud them for putting the children first.

then there are those out there adopting for the wrong reasons yet taking the credit for all the right reasons. these charlatans are the ones giving adoptive parents a bad name. and living with these charlatans is what is creating generations of angry adoptees.

these people are the ones who narcissisticly only want to hear the good things about what they've done or - if a potential adoptive parent, what they plan to do - from society, from literature, from friends, from anyone in their sphere, and eventually from the children themselves.

- these people are the ones who demand that their children be grateful.
- these people are the ones who are self-congratulatory
- these people are the ones who are on the defensive
- these people are the ones who infantilize their children and suppress the children's expressing themselves as they mature.
- these people don't deserve to be called parents!!!

so, do the world's children a favor and don't be bad adoptive parents.
- consider adoption only if you're willing to learn about all the nuances both good and bad ahead of time.
- adopt only if you're willing to TRULY put the children first all the time.
- analyze any feelings of excitement: those might indicate love of the idea more than the long bumpy reality.
- analyze any feelings of deserving: those are usually bad reasons.
- analyze any feelings of charity or rescue fantasies: there are typically less invasive ways to help.
- listen to what the adult adoptees have to say: there is MUCH TO LEARN from their experience.
- remember that children DO grow up

i personally don't know why anyone would adopt for selfish reasons, as it will only come back to bite them. because children are smart and they can see the truth, and one day they will feel free enough to reject that.

myst1998

Fabulous question.

ALL children deserve to be clothed and cared for, it is a basic human right and they should NEVER have to feel that they need to be grateful for that. After all, no one gets to chose being born.

And why should adopted children/adults feel grateful to anyone who takes away their identity and any basic right to knowing who they are? Most adopters are not adopted (I know some are) and have had their rights to knowing their family and owning their original birth certificate so why should an adoptee feel grateful to a person for denying them that basic right?

There are a few adopters I have known I wish could have been given a Baby Born doll instead of a real child - honestly, they would have been happier as a doll never grows up, never answers back and never appears like the 'ungrateful adoptee'.

Gracie Niemi

They would have no reason to say that adoption isn't necessarily always the 'happy-happy image' if their parents take care of them and give them the life they deserve.

There are many adopted kids in my family (some in their 20's now) and have never said anything like that. My parents love them and we are all one big happy family. They had/have a great life with us.

I could see someone saying that if their parents didn't give them the life they deserve. Some people adopt kids and are not thinking of their future. They sometimes treat them differently and that's very sad.

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