Do people understand the depth that adoption often effects an adoptee?

aloha.girl59

(((Possum)))

I can't possibly understand the depth of your loss *or* your feelings. I am not an adoptee. My son is though, so I try to understand...to the best of my ability.

I'm really sorry that you can't know your first family.

Mother of Many

I dont think people actually grasp the depth of adoption on adoptee's. I am not adopted, but I am in the process of adopting my 3 siblings. I HAVE to look outside of my box. For the future of my siblings, providing a open continueing relationship with their mother. A lot of people cant do that, think out of that close-minded box. So many people really just think about themselves, and for some reason CANT think outside of the box that they are in. I am sooo sorry that you are not allowed to have those much needed relationships with your family. Dont give up though, keep trying, I hope that one day your bio-mother realizes that its ok to let you in to her life.

I wish you the best of luck, God Bless.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

No, we CAN'T.

I can (and do) try all I want, but at the end of the day I will never be able to grasp the depth of your loss

I am so sorry that you have to go through this

(((Possum)))

Justice

Mostly they don't. There is so much propaganda about the "up" side of adoption that glosses right over the actual - real - live person that is adopted. People could know. If you look at literature, stories about adoptees from all cultures it's clear that being an orphan is not desirable. If you look at what we know about infant health and care it's obvious that infants are much better off with their actual - real - live mothers.

But it's very uncomfortable to look at the suffering of adoptees, especially when it's unnecessary. And their is no monetary profit in it.

Many people "look on the bright side" of adoption because it's been romanticized and glamorized. And we're all basically pretty selfish, even when pretending to be noble.

â™¥â™¥Mum To Superkidsâ™¥â™¥

What a sad and unnecessary reason for you to miss out on the lives of your family. It sounds like your Mum is in so much pain, and my heart breaks for you and all of your family. I hope that one day your relationship with your family can be repaired.

To answer your question, I think some people don't understand the magnitude of a child losing all links with their original family, and others I think just don't care. Whatever the reason, it's no excuse for the sometimes lifelong pain and suffering they cause others with their ignorance.
Take care of yourself.

Lori A

NO Possum they dont'. But they think that their opinion of your loss and suffering is sufficient.

I have one of those best case scenarios. It probably was best that I put my daughter up for adoption.

But here's another one.

The BEST THING that EVER HAPPENED to either one of us was being reunited.

AND THE CLINCHER

No one got hurt. Her parents are fine.

I'm sorry you have to keep beating your head against the wall trying to get people to understand that the gift that keeps on giving is a gift of loss and pain.

They should just get over themselves (much like what is told to other members of adoption) and give adoptees the same courtesy and benefit of the doubt that they give their non adoptees friends, neighbors, acquaintances, schmuck on the street.

FYI: There is another racheal out there all of a sudden too. One with a capital, "Rachael" has a much newer account than the one we all know and love.

Mei-Ling

"it's simply because they didn't want a baby to interfere with their current lifestyle and it's for relatively selfish reasons (not all that selfish when you think they could have decided to abort you)"

Serenity, let me ask you this:

Is having a life - just being born (even you are an illegitimate child) - MEANT to inconvenience the mother? No.

If you look at it that way, then being born is surely a crime.

Hence why I ask this: is life a basic human right or a privilege?

If it is a privilege, right? And who decides who has that privilege compare to others? Who is the "boss" to decide who is more "deserving" to be born?

As far I know, NO ONE.

So please please PLEASE stop it with the "she could have aborted you." It's not a fair argument and it's actually quite insulting.

Sly

Possum
I am sorry. I wish that people could understand the pain of the adoptee and the pain of the mother and then say that it is for the best. You have to wonder for whose best? They don't understand because they won't let themselves. If they saw and knew they couldn't stand that they caused human beings that much anguish. Better to think that it is all positive, sugar, spice Hallmark moments

It is often the residual effects that finally drive home the enormity of our losses, I think. I found a picture of a girls softball team when my son was in a pullback and I knew that one of the girls in the pictures was my granddaughter, my flesh, my blood, but I hadn't a clue which one she was. I wailed like a wounded animal and I think that was the first time I really touched the loss of my son and all it entailed. No one should have to feel that pain, I wish I could take it away for a while from you but I know it is yours. I am just sorry you have to feel it.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

it seems to me that the people who claim to be all-knowing and so "understanding" are the ones who know the least.

Freckle Face

((((((((((((Possum)))))))))))))

Yes, it is VERY EASY to see the depth of pain and anguish adoption has had on you and your whole family. The ripple effect that goes on for generations. This aspect i "get it"! whooo hooo! I don't always "get it", since i am not an adoptee. Thankfully people like you, take the time to explain things to me. I appreciate you so much! You may not reach every one *sigh* but you do reach some of us:)

My heart goes out to you, Poss. They have no idea how much they are missing out on. YOU are the best! Anyone would be proud to have you in their family. I hope and pray the "forbidden" barricade comes down one day.

Gaia Raain

Wow. Possum, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry. I've experienced tiny, minuscule little doses of this, being the black sheep in my family. But this is huge. I'm just so sorry. I'll never understand why adoptees must pay for every decision that was made for them as infants. IT'S NOT RIGHT, DAMMIT! :'(

Take gentle care of you.

PhilM

No, they don't.

They would prefer to chalk it up to you being a negative person. They don't want their delusions about adoption shattered.

People don't get this. Because. They. Don't. Want. To.

So we can either keep trying to explain it, or go do something constructive: like beating our heads into a wall.

I'm sorry for this additional pain, Possum. You shouldn't have to go through this, too.

Charlotte M

I understand your pain. At four years old, I was adopted into the family I am in now, and I would give any thing to be with my siblings right now. The state of Arizona is giving me a hell of a time as I try to find a loop hole so I can find my siblings. Do you have your siblings phone number? Even if your mother does not want you to see your sister, you can go around her and do it your self, especially if you are 18. You have the right to know your family if you want to and all I can say is, keep fighting for what you want, and eventually you will get what you seek.

Rowan

Even though i'm an adoptee, i cannot understand your experience. I think its hurt breaking that 6 months after you were given up, your parents married. That your mother was forced to give you up simply because she was unwed. my bio parents are still together, and have another child together. While i think i got the better part of the deal, it still stings a bit that they kept my sister. Despite them even telling me and my twin they wanted a better life for us, it would be useless for me to sit here and deny that that didnt sting at some point.
I hope someday, your mother is more willing to let you in.

Serenity71

The first answerer ISN'T ME!!!

Possum you had me wondering for a minute... There's another serenity out there! I'll have to put something in from of my signature if thats the case...

I'm sorry to hear your bio mother was forced to give you away...

Is there anyway you can contact the other family member but not through her if its too painful for her to see you?

My kids have older siblings and I would be very upset if the bio mother didn't allow contact with them in the future... I feel at least the kids should know each other, they are brothers and sisters and had no say in being separated. Even though with me or my husband ever being in the picture it would have happened anyway.... (Foster care adoption)

No adoption isn't the adoptee's fault. I don't hear people saying it is, and your feelings are your own, don't feel guilty for being upset about it at times. Just some people have had no exposure to adoption and they assume a great deal.

Families can be a pain in the neck at times can't they, whether they're blood related or not. I hope possum you find a way to have more contact with your bio siblings soon.

(Have you heard of post adoptions support centre. Maybe they could give you some advice about opening more contact.)

Shelby

I really feel for you Possum. What happened to you was/is totally unfair.

I can't comment on your bmom except to say that I'm sure she already feels a variety of emotions and as you say probably finds its all too overwhelming.
What I don't understand is why the rest of your bio family cannot open their arms towards you. You would think they would have felt bad for you that you missed out on having them in your life and would go out of their way to make it up to you. I actually can't see any harm for you to have a relationship with them, so I really don't understand why they wouldn't want one, especially as they know the cirsumstances of your adoption. It's true, none of it was your faulth, so what is their problem.

I guess you are right, as an AP I wonder if I will ever see it from the other side.

sizesmith

Yes, we're trying to have an open adoption with our son's first mom, and she refuses. To make matters worse, he was born in Mid Sept. last year, and this mid-August, she gave birth again. The 2 kids would be in school in the same classroom if we don't sell our house and move.

Adoption affects so many people so differently. I always hope that I give my son the confidence to know that nothing is his fault, and that he's a wonderful human being. I see adoptees that I know that have wonderful lives, in spite of their bio and adopted families getting along, and I see the power in the fact that knowing the truth is often better than lies.

Not only do I know that being an adoptee will affect my son some, but I also love his mom, and wish she'd get the help to deal with the situation much better, not only for his sake, but her own also, as I wish your mom would do also Possum. Good luck!

lucy

My Story is similar to yours, my mom lives half an hours drive, met her ten years ago, she stopped contact after 6months of me finding her, i have four siblings all boys, im her only daughter, met one of my brothers 18months ago, she bribed him into not telling the other three, he died suddenly last march, a week after me telling another brother of my existence, talk about secrets and lies, now today i see my brothers once again from a distance as shes still in denial, Alto of hurt is caused and grieving by adoption.... My deceased brother went to heaven knowing that my being brought him happiness in the end, tragic how adoption can affect families, honesty is needed when dealing with siblings emotions.

Crucio

I am truly sorry for that perhaps at some point some of your natural family might decided to have/want contact with your regardless that your natural mother can not handle it.

Karina

Your story sounds really painful. Your parents did something really wrong, giving you up. It makes no sense to me since they later married and had other kids. So really it seems like they did something wicked to cover up a mistake, which was having a baby out of wedlock. I don't know why their minds are so warped to the point that they lost mercy on their own flesh and blood. I hope they will be saved. But I also hope God give you the strength to face the truth. If she wanted to take you back, she would have done so. Your father could have taken you back. For some horrible reason, they didn't. No one is forced to admire their mother's opinion.

The best you can do with your life is when you have kids, truly treasure them. Never treat them like you wouldn't want to be treated.

You should continue to keep contact with your siblings.

Sea

I could not start trying to understand your feelings, so I won't, the only thing I'd recommend is read spiritual texts, such as Deepak Chopra or Brian Weiss. Each one of us chooses his/her own path before we are born.
You must be giving big steps into your path of growing and developing as an spiritual being, not human, spiritual, if you start understanding these issues then it might be easier for you to accept all that has happened and still happens in your life; and even be greatful about it, again from your soul, not from your human nature.
Much love and light from Mexico.

Carnie C

isn't it a "free association"? how could she keep you from speaking with her adult children?

Amanda

I think adoption is a wonderful thing. However, there is a lot that needs to be changed. Adoption agencies should have to have counseling services available to all that place their child. Something simple like that can make a big difference.

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in, and you're right, I think everyone should be open and honest about adoption. I'm hoping to adopt from overseas, and even still I would really like to be able to have information about my child's first parents so that contact would, at the very least, be possible.

serenityw2004

I understand how hard it is to grasp the reasoning behind someone giving away their child. But to be honest, while yes, in some cases, it's simply because they didn't want a baby to interfere with their current lifestyle and it's for relatively selfish reasons (not all that selfish when you think they could have decided to abort you), in other cases it's a very difficult painstaking decision to have to make that may haunt them for the rest of their lives. Not every parent that gives up their child is selfish and unloving, sometimes, it really is the best thing. Think about what you hear on the news about mothers abusing or even killing thier children. It would have been better if they would have put their child up for adoption. I would consider getting into counseling to help you deal with this.

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