Do prospective adoptive parents have a responsibility to support a biological mother to keep a child...?

Jennifer L

No. I think it's a tag line attempting to guilt APs/PAPs.

If you REALLY cared, you'd financially support someone so they could keep their baby. That's been used on this forum ad nausem by more than one "regular".

Therefore, someone choosing to adopt is selfish, greedy, egocentric (etc, etc). Sound familiar?

I think society has an obligation to offer support. My tax dollars go to social progams. My charity dollars also go there.

But to say that it is the sole responsibility of PAPs/APs to provide financial support to women who need it is unfair. And the people who say that, know it.

ETA: Why Maggie, that was a pretty nasty comment. I read quite well, thank you. And I read -here- often.

If you also read here often, you would see that an often used response to someone considering adoption on this forum is a barrage of people telling them that instead of adopting a child, they should just support the woman financially, so she can keep the baby. The implication... no, that's not a strong enough word... the *assertion* is that if a PAP is REALLY interested in the welfare of a child, instead of spending the money to adopt, he/she should give all that money to the pregnant woman instead, thus it is the personal responsibility of APs/PAPs to financially support every poor, pregnant woman who might be considering adoption.

So conversely, if someone goes through with the adoption, it must be that they are greedy, selfish and uncaring.

Stick around here for awhile and you'll see it.

ETA2: On second thought, I'm sure you -have- been around here often. Probably you use this alt to be nasty to people so it won't damage your "credibility" with your regular alt.

BLW_KAM

Personally, I believe it is the responsibility of the parents, their families, their churches, their friends, and the available community services to support a child.

PAPs are responsible for not pressuring, not lying, educating themselves, treating other human beings with respect, and keeping their promises. More than this I cannot ask.

cantstopLinnyG

I don't think so. I actually think it is a horrible practice and fraught with danger to both the first Moms and the pap's.

Actually, I think pap's should not even meet the prospective first Mother until after the child is born and mother and baby have time to recover. Coercion can be very subtle. *MOST* pap's don't think it is, but the agencies KNOW it is. When money/goods exchange hands before a child is born, no one is protected....except agencies, in cases where the agency/lawyer works as the middle man. They don't have to pay a dime back to the pap's either.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_coercion.html

**ETA***
"Ironically, we got called coersive because we helped her, even though we made sure that she knew her rights, and that she had 10 days afterwards to change her mind. It seems the adoption community here thinks we shouldn't have helped her at all."

Holy. God. The attorney explained everything, huh? While living under YOUR roof. Ten days to change her mind? A woman isn't even finished bleeding after 10 days. Yup....you pretty much defined coercion.

Flying Monkey #073177

Society has a responsibility to ensure the needs of all children are met. If a woman chooses to parent we should all be stepping up to ensure that child has the best life possible, or do some feel PAPs should be out of the "it takes a village" loop because they are somehow above the rest of us? Just because someone doesn't have a child, or doesn't have as many children as they want, we shouldn't allow them to use their emotions as a way out of basic human compassion.

LaraSue

HIgh five maccrew! I love that answer!
And no, I don't think it's the PAP's responsibilty to support a mother.
there are programs out there for her.

BPD Wife

Absolutely not! As you said....Isn't that what our tax dollars are supposed to do? If the "system" is broken, then the system needs to be fixed. If our tax dollars aren't going where they should to help these families, then it's the government's fault - not mine. It makes me sick when I hear others blaming adoptive parents.

To say that PAPs have a responsibility to support a biological parent to keep a child would be like saying that in those situations where a biological parent CHOOSES not to parent a child (and yes, that still does happen in some cases), then they should be forced to contribute to the cost of the adoption.

Some people get upset and angry about adoption, and I get that. But every situation is different and every person is unique. Adoptive parents cannot be blamed any more than the biological parents or the adoptee.

Philippa

This doesn't happen in the UK unless it is surrogacy and then it's only "reasonable expenses".

Bodhi

I'm not clear whether you mean support emotionally or financially. If you mean emotionally, my goodness absolutely she should be supported in whatever decision she makes by every single person, including the PAPs. If she decides to parent, that decision should be supported and celebrated, by ALL parties. Sure, it's disappointing to the PAPs (I know, I've been there - twice), but it's temporary; the pain the mother would feel if she proceeded and later regretted it would be felt every day for the rest of her life - that's permanent.

If you mean financially, as in the case of PAPs paying pre-birth and/or post-natal support, and the mother decides to halt the adoption or parent, then no, I don't feel the financial support should continue. Quite frankly, I'm at odds with myself whether any financial support should be given at any time, since it can be construed as coercion or obligation and might sway the mother towards a decision she might not otherwise make. On the other hand, we want the best for our child's mother and want her to have everything she needs - and if she decides to parent, well you know what? We helped a fellow human being along their path, contributed to the health of a child, and made a lifelong friend.

Roberta P

NO. How would supporting her fill the PAP's wants? Unless their want is to support someone else's family instead of their own. Why would someone who is trying to have a family want to support some one else's family? Why can't she get a job, have the baby's father get a job and support their baby themselves. You should look to yourself to support your baby not others.

How many pregnant and new moms do you support? Do they live with you or do you pay their rent? Do you pay for their groceries, utilities, car, insurance, and necessities?

I guess I don't get how supporting someone so they don't have to be responsible for their actions is supposed to cure the problem of adoption. It seems to lead to larger entitlement mentality but now the government and the average joe both have to give money to someone who chose to get pregnant that doesn't have the resources to support themselves or their innocent child.

monkeykitty83

It depends on what you mean by "support." If you mean emotionally, encouraging her that she can be a good mother, that she has every right to make this decision, then yes, absolutely. The mother is well within her legal and moral rights to parent her own child, and if there are prospective adoptive parents involved in her situation at that point-- though I think pre-birth matching is a problem for exactly this reason-- they should be affirming her in those rights, and in her own ability to be a mother.

If you mean "support" financially, then no, I actually think that's a bad idea. An expectant or new mother should not be receiving money from someone who has a stake in wanting her to lose her baby, even if they're trying their best to be ethical about it. There's just too much of a conflict of interest.

There is aid available to expectant and new mothers, and struggling families, from both the federal and the state/provincial government. A mother would do better to accept that aid, rather than accepting help from people who wanted (and maybe in the back of their minds still hope) to adopt. Even after the mom decides to parent, it's too emotionally tangled.

I believe we as a society have the responsibility to provide concrete help so a family in crisis can get on their feet and support themselves. I think as privileged citizens, we should all be helping the less fortunate, including mothers and their children.

But when it comes to prospective adoptive parents and a specific family in crisis, I think that they DO have a responsibility to emotionally support the decision, but are NOT the best people to provide physical or financial support.

Heather B

No but at the same time I don't think they should participate in the coercive tactics of the industry either (like pre-birth matching and considering the baby theirs even before birth urghhhh) Stay away until the baby is born and give the lady time and space to make her decision in her own time AFTER baby is born

gypsywinter

""we want the best for our child's mother and want her to have everything she needs - and if she decides to parent, well you know what?""

HUH?? 'OUR' child's mother??? This child only has one mother BEFORE the act of adoption finalization...that being the woman who carried her baby for 9 months and gave birth to her own child. There is no 'OUR' prior to the adoption finalization and most certainly is not 'OUR' BEFORE a baby is even born!

And no..I do not believe that a PAP has a responsibility to support a pregnant mother and/or a newly delivered mother. The PAPs should not even be in the mother's life... until the final act of surrender occurs. It is not only $$$$ that can be seen as coercive and putting pressure upon the mother to surrender her baby. Many times it is 'words', like if a PAP woman says...'I so want a baby, you are so blessed by God to be able to give birth to your own child'. 'We know how much you love your baby, but you have to think what is best for the baby, not yourself'. 'We have tried our best to help you financially, even when it has been financially hard for us, but we don't mind, we just want to help you'. And of course the piece de resistance..."If you really love the baby and only want the best for the baby..you will do the right thing.' (equals Martyrdom placed upon the mother, whether she realizes it or not at the time). Many well-placed words over the course of a mother's pregnancy, (the most vulnerable time for a woman, physically and emotionally), can go a long way in favor of the PAPs. So to me it isn't only about $$$$$, but carefully placed words that can have a huge impact in how a mother decides in favor of surrendering her baby for adoption. Guilting a mother out of her baby, is still very much in practice today, as much as it was yesterday. It's amazing how 'guilting' can persuade a vulnerable pregnant woman to do things, she never thought of doing or only ever gave a passing thought to.

grapesgum

No, I don't think that prospective adoptive parents should be allowed to be near pregnant women who are having doubts about parenting at ANY time - never - ever. They are too quick to pull out their check book to try to buy the baby and use emotional coercion to guilt her into giving her child away.

If it is not in your heart to help people through difficult times, then don't do it. No one is forcing you. Everyone is different.

HappyMomAnna

I feel that the prospective or potential adoptive parents should have Nothing to Do with a pregnant woman prior to the birth of her baby.

There are social service and community organizations that will and do offer support for mothers and parents who are raising children. I believe it's the responsibility of Both the mother (parents) and the adoption facilitators to seek out the support needed in order to parent the baby they choose to parent.

I believe that if a mother seeks adoption for her baby--the agency or system Should Offer assistance for the services and needs she has if she would like to parent her child. It should be the responsibility of the agency or system to provide the mother with resources and information about what she may need to maintain her parental rights.

I don't believe that parents interested in adoption should have any contact or obligation to a mother before birth or after until she has come to the decision herself and perhaps, denied services and support with some kind of clear and complete disclosure.

I don't feel that anyone who wants a baby should be involved with anyone who is pregnant and that prior to any baby being placed the obligation of support and full disclosure should come Only From people who are NOT interested in the adoption of her baby.

It would also be helpful it the laws and procedures of each state were more consistent with each other and that unnamed/unknown father placements required a more reliable system of documentation and notice. I believe that the Fathers rights are too easily ignored and with the science of DNA that any baby placed should have a DNA test and attempt to identify the father.

I feel it should NOT be possible to agree to an adoption for babies with unidentified fathers without additional legal process and that He should be involved in the decisions and the support of the mother before the baby is born. I believe that if the baby is concieved by "rape" that DNA testing should be manditory and that the DNA tests should be filed with the police and recorded in the National Database as a means of attempting to prosecute a criminal before another baby is concieved by another victim.

I feel it is MORE likely for coersion to take place when People who want something are made responsible to support the Provider of what they want.

â™¥Chelsea TTC #1â™¥

If the adoptive parents were definitely going to be able to adopt the child, then the biological mother could work something out with the parents to pay her hospital bills and what-not, if that is the agreement. But for parents who were going to formerly adopt, but things fell through, I wouldn't think that they would have the responsibility to pay for anything. That's just me, but you never know what people might do. And I wouldn't judge, simply because it's not my business or my concern. You never know though.

sizesmith

We did help our son's birth mother out with food (so he'd be healthier), clothing (so she wouldn't wear her old jeans and be so tight it would do harm), and by her own request, she wanted to move in with us, so she could get to know us better, to know that we'd be open with the adoption, and to get to know us better, so she'd know the baby was getting taken care of. I also got her a cell phone added to our plan for the pregnancy and recovery time, because it was cheaper to do that than to install an additional house line without long distance charges.

We also made sure that the attorney explained the process, and that she knew exactly how to change her mind in the process, (she did on her subsequent pregnancy), and how to stop the process legally.

Ironically, we got called coersive because we helped her, even though we made sure that she knew her rights, and that she had 10 days afterwards to change her mind. It seems the adoption community here thinks we shouldn't have helped her at all.

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