Do the children of adoptees have the right to know?

Has anyone who is adopted and doesn't want to search had to deal with their own children who want to know the identity of their ancestors?

I am adopted, and my older children are definitely glad I searched and know whose blood they carry. But my daughter, who is only four, may not have that knowledge. Both her father and I are adopted. He also searched, and he knows who his parents are. I've met his mother, but he keeps the identity of his father a secret. He says he's a "hairball," and he doesn't want anything to do with him. That's his choice, and I respect it. I couldn't care less if he doesn't want any contact. But there is the matter of the family tree. I think my daughter has a right to at least know a name someday. Although she's not adopted, since both of her parents are, she's just as in the dark about her family origins as we were unless we tell her. I could just call his mother and ask. I'm fairly certain she would tell me, but there's no immediate rush. If he hasn't changed his mind in another 10 years, I'll probably do that, but it isn't something I'm contemplating right now.

I'm just curious as to people's opinions about her right to know at some distant point in the future.
Additional Details
Maybe,

I have thought about that. She's no where near ready for a rocking chair. Still, things happen. I do know the name of the town his paternal grandparents were from, and it's a very, very small town. I'm fairly confident that a visit to their library should yield the information. Also, her husband and her siblings know.

MamaKate

Dear SJM,

I totally agree with you. I think that it is most certainly your husband's choice as to whether or not he has a relationship with his first father and that should be respected, but it is also your daughter's right to know where she comes from and her rights should be protected.

I think this is one of the most overlooked aspects of adoption. Adoption effects more than just the so called "triad". Extended family and future generations are also effected by the act of adoption and I believe truth and honesty about heritage and medical history - even without actual relationships - is the right of every person.

There are plenty of people who will dismiss this notion for whatever reason and while I feel it is fine to feel this way for one's self, no one can know the importance of this information for another person. To omit or deny someone else (future children, grandchildren, etc.) this information based on personal feelings is unfair. It may be truly valuable or necessary information for another person down the line - perhaps even save a life.

Information is not the same as relationships. Information is knowledge. Knowledge often equals power. As a parent, I cannot imagine keeping information from my children that could potentially empower or save them from suffering.

I cannot stand my in-laws. They are unloving, manipulative and were abusive to my husband. I do not speak ill of them to my children and I would never dream of not telling my children who they are. I keep them at a distance (3,000 miles!) and will respect my children's choice to have a relationship with them or not based on THEIR feelings - not mine.

My children are also aware of the names of their brother and sister who are being raised by adoptive parents (I was promised they would be allowed to communicate but the APs choose not to honor that promise.) as well as their half sibs from my husband's first marriage. I am honest about their family because I believe it is their right to know. This information will never be a surprise, a secret or nagging question for them. I am doing everything in my power to ensure that they will never accidentally date or marry a sibling, be surprised in the future by a stranger who is a relative, that they will have the opportunity for preventative medicine for known family health issues, that they will never be unaware of known hereditary diseases or disorders or not have access to life saving medical information.

I respect my children's rights and love them enough to do everything I can to make sure they grow into happy, healthy, well-adjusted and productive adults - even when it makes me uncomfortable or means sharing information I wish were different.

Heather B

Absolutely, yes.

Every human being deserves to know the truth of their heritage, ethnicity and the origins of their bloodline!

Not Adopted

Yes, I think your children have a right to know their family tree.

You might want to ask your husband's mother sooner rather than later....just in case you end up with no chance to ask in the future due to death, dementia, etc.

snowwillow20

To insure that my bdaughter knows everything about our history and heritage I had my mom and MIL write up as much medical history as they can remember. I made her a whole binder of old pictures and documents including certificates of her great grandfathers silver star, her dad's honorable discharge papers, just everything I thought she would want to know. It is my responsibility to keep her informed of any medical problems that we might have, she didn't have access to her history until 2001 so I've gone all out to supply it.
I think she should know all the names of all the relatives she has when the time is right.

Torrejon

My children are still too young to want to know much. But, sooner or later they will. 3 of my biological grandparents died of genetically transmitted conditions. I presume that I will die of one of them. And my kids will probably die of them too.

Although I know my bparents names, address, and phone number, I still am not allowed to have a copy of my original birth certificate...to protect bparents' anonymity. And I have left clear instructions with my Last Will and Testament that if I do not get a copy of my original birth certificate during my lifetime, my children must continue to try to get it. My history is their history.

friends R gifts we give ourself

i think they should know

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: