Do we spend enough time talking about first dads?

I think about my daughter's mama a lot, but I must admit, I don't often think about her dad. We call him Baba (Chinese word for dad), but he isn't often brought up. I'm mentioning this because of something that happened on Saturday. Baby is a daddy's girl. Well, at nursery school one of her little friends is being raised by a gay couple and she noticed that he had 2 dads and asked questions about how he could have 2 dads. I told her that she had 2 dads. WELL. She freaked. "My daddy! My daddy!" and hugged hubby's legs, hard. He said her tiny arms felt like steel. We couldn't figure it out. We think maybe she didn't like the idea of sharing or being shared. She daydreams about her mama (fairy princess), but the idea of another dad actually seemed to scare her. We decided that we need to talk about him more. We mentioned her Baba on Sunday & she got upset again, but reassured her that no one was going to take her away from her daddy & seemed to calm down. Has anyone else experienced this?
Additional Details
TB, I hear you. In our case, as we adopted from China, we don't have any info on either parents, but we still talk quite a bit about her mama, so I just think we need to do the same fo baba. It just doesn't flow as organically as conversations about mama. We will have to do better though.

tickled blue

Kazi,

Yes, I agree....we don't spend much time talking about dad. My child's mom, unfortunatey, won't tell us who the father is...so we aren't at liberty to discuss him in detail. With his mom it is easier...we see where he got his features from and we can tell him about certain characteristics that he got from his mom, but with his dad it is a blank slate. Perhaps because of the lack of information on him, we simply don't bring up dad much in talks. I think we will need to find a way to do this more often.

MamaKate

Dear Kazi,

This is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. I am a HUGE supporter of Father's Rights and I think Dads get a raw deal everywhere - not just in adoption! Just look at how they are treated in divorces or read the comments here. ("We have enough trouble with fathers already.")

NO ONE talks about Dads enough! Father's lose out terribly in our society and are often unjustly villified or simply forgotten altogether and the greatest victims are the kids. We ALL need to encourage and include Fathers more.

My son's First Father and I have a great relationship - he's friends with my husband as well. We all believe that we need to be in contact if/when the kids come looking for us.

In your situation, might I suggest that you speak to your Daughter about her First Father by explaining that he and her First Mother made her TOGETHER, most likely because they LOVED each other. Explain to her that she is made out of that love and he proably loves HER too. If her fantasy is that her First Mother is a fairy princess, maybe talking about princesses having to have a prince to make a child could help ease her fears.

I hope that this is something you are able to help her with and I have to say, I admire the h-e-double hockysticks out of you for thinking about it!!

ETA: (((Jenna))) What a WONDERFUL post! I am absolutely THRILLED for you and your Fathers!

I wish more people knew the PAIN this causes men! The two men in my life have been hurt TREMENDOUSLY but are generally silent about it - probably a combination of the whole "macho, guys can't have feelings" thing and fear of being treated badly/rejected/ignored etc. (They talk to ME about it but not really anyone else.) It is so sad.

The other night on "America's Got Talent" there was a young woman who's back story was that she missed her absent Father. She talked about how much she missed him before she went on stage. She sang Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me". When I glanced over at my husband he had tears streaming down his face...

JoHn S.

It might be because there aren't as many 'involved' bdads, as there are bmoms, so they aren't around as much to communicate with. One reason for that might be there are too many who don't even know they are one. Sad.

Pat Brown

Everyone has a birth mom and birth dad. Well, almost everyone. But anyway, we do ignore men and their parental roles and rights in our culture and it is sad. I'm a female, by the way. You don't need to discuss anything with your daughter that confuses or upsets her. In time, the basic fact of biology will be clearer and she will get that there is both a birth mom and dad in her beginnings. Let it go for now, sounds like overload for a little one.

bailie28

i met a man last year that i had heard could be my dad...i was in the town where i grew up on vacation and looked his name up in the phone book and called him.....and asked questions about my mother...because i already knew she was dead....he agreed to meet me the next day at the local walmart....he was waiting when i got there with his wife who he was married to when he was messing with my mother.....anyway...he told me he could see her in my face...which was nice to hear as i have one very blurry picture of her and thats it.....he started arguing about how many kids she had..he was 77 ..lol......anyway he went to grab my right arm as he started saying his daughter had a burn on her arm from a heating stove and when i said this burn....and showed him a scar that runs down my arm from my elbow..he was like yes its you..and i was like hello daddy...and laughed..what else do you do in that situation? i told him i would never ask anything from him just to get to know him..he gave me some pictures of him...and i left that state....he called me a couple of times and we talked about my mom and my oldest brother and things from that time.....and i tried to call him three times and each time this man answered and said wrong number when i would ask for him..i got really hurt over that...like i was intruding..so i let it be..he called me last week...said he was proud of me and wondered if i had moved...my husband is military...and i was like yeah and told him about the phone calls..seems his oldest son was having some mental issues and my dad moved out because he thought he lived there..weird situation..anyway..he wants to know me he doesnt owe me anything...but its nice to feel like i belong to someone...as i have been disowned by both adoptive parents..and thats for the better...but someone claims me as theirs..thats a nice feeling...

Still Me

A couple of thoughts. One is, that not talking about him in the past made him more "mysterious" or unknown to her. So then seeing your friend with two dads, brought to mind that she may have another father out there who is a bit overwhelming or threatening to her. Secondly, men in general in our society are thought of and referred to as a more dangerous or negative lot. Boogey men, criminals, strangers, etc. So developmentally she is just not able to take all this in. I would back off a bit from the Baba issue and let her mature another 6 months or year. Then introduce a book that has a birthfather or grandfather or stepfather as a positive or even primary caregiver and let her come to your with questions.

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