Do we tell my lil brother he is adopted?

allchildrenareangels

Honesty is always the best policy. You should tell him now I mean it should just be something he always knows. I mean he is a baby you don't need to sit him down and have a talk. LOL!!!!! If I were you I would get a very good book about adoption made for children. They have tons of them. Just begin reading it to him just like you read other books to him. Then when he is about two tell him you are adopted like the baby in the book. Now I am your mommy and I love you very much. I would say that every once in a while. Then after about age 3 or 4 I wouldn't say it anymore. He will then know he is adopted and will ask you and your mom questions as he is ready to know them. Just make sure to always give him hugs and kisses and make sure he knows that ya'll love him. If he ever needs to ask a question be honest. If he is two young and the truth is not so good. For instance if he was adopted from foster care. Make sure to tell it in a way that is age appropriate. As he gets older and older you can give more information as he wants to know. Some don't want to know so if he doesn't talk about it don't push it. If the first mom loved him make sure he knows that. If he decides he wants to meet her then support him and help him find her. Just make sure he knows you love him. He will love you more for the honesty and support. If you hide and lay it all on him later it is like a bomb. There will be hard feelings. If you are honest all along he will love you more. Your mom doesn't have to worry as long as she loves and is good and honest to him. He will love her for that. Good luck.

Love,
michelle

BLW_KAM

Beyond the shadow of any doubt, yes.

Love isn't dependent on "real", but its strength is dependent on trust. If your brother finds out another way, he may start to wonder how many other things he wasn't told. He may begin to doubt and his trust may be shaken. Now THOSE are emotions your mother should be afraid of.

Your mom should start now.

DevonChaos

YES. You start telling him now, in words that he understands. You never hide this kind of thing from a child. The shock will only get worse as the time goes by if you don't tell him. Find the proper words to use at each stage of his development. He will never be too young to tell, but if you wait until he is grown, there will be trouble.

dan

tell him. you have too. and he'll still love you guys as long as you raise him. he'll completely hate you if he finds out when its too late. and he'll most likely find out.
so yeah, tell, its essential to him.

'Insert name here'

From day 1. Be honest as long as he can talk, if it is kept from him surely it can only hurt him in the long run. Tell it him as if it were a fairy story.

Anha S

My amom started telling me my "adoption story" the day they brought me home. She felt the practice was for her, so she would be comfortable talking about it to me. As a result, I don't remember a time that I didn't know that I was adopted.

I think it is atrocious, and selfish when an aparent keeps a child's truth from them. It really has nothing to do with protecting little Johnny's feelings, and much more to do with not wanting to face the possibility of rejection, or of ever having to share. That baby's history didn't start with her, and to pretend that it did is just awful. What about things like medical history that could really have a bearing on this child's health in the future. His history, roots, etc aren't hers to hide.

A child feeling the pain of late discovery is entirely preventable.

cantstopLinnyG

It's better than him hating her when he does find out and that she hid his truth from him. Its his truth, his story, and it is considered child abuse to NOT tell a child they are adopted. Its best to start telling him NOW. Most adoptees have ALWAYS know. Their parents began telling them as toddlers. NOT telling them is something adoptive parents do out of weakness, and it's disgusting.

Lauren M

It is wayyyy better to tell him now, sit him down and explain to him what it is. It will be a huge mistake if you don't!

mom to be

You need to tell him. Start talking about it and he will ask questions as he needs to. Be open and honest, it is not child abuse if you don't tell him, but he will have a difficult time when he realizes he has been lied to.

Angela R

Yes, he definetly should be told, and she should start talking to him about it now. I know he seems to old to really understand, but you want it to be something he grows up always knowing, and not a big suprise he just finds out one day. We adopted both of our children, and they are only 2 and three, but we've already started talking to them about their adoption story, and reading stories about adoption so that they know from the start.

Your mother needs to understand that he WILL find out one day, as someone will eventually tell him, and what will hurt their relationship is not the fact that he knows he was adopted, but the fact that she lied to him his entire life, and seems to think that adoption is a deep dark shameful secret. PLEASE let her know that telling him the truth will not deminish his love for her.

Crucio

Yes your mother should tell him in fact seeing that he will be 2 years old this year I think she should get some adoption story books for his age and read those to him he wouldnâ€™t fully understand but it will get it out there. There are ton just have her do a search on amazon for adoption. I was official adopted when I was 3 years old but was with my family at 3 weeks old(foster baby) I never remember not knowing I was adopted. Very few adoptees donâ€™t love their adoptive parents. Your mother is the one who is raising your brother, she is the one who is there for him and will continue to be there for him through out his life in every way that a mother should be for their child so she is his real mother in every sense except genetically.

A book your mom might get is Talking with Young Children about Adoption

Possum

Lies ALWAYS have a way of coming out.
NEVER lie to adoptees.
Please.
All adoptees deserve their truth.

If this child doesn't love you mother 'enough' - that's your mother's issues that she needs to deal with.
This child didn't ask to be taken from one family and placed in another.
Those were adult decisions.

For the record - most adoptees I know - love their adoptive family very very much.
BUT - they get very very cranky if they're lied to - and sometimes it can ruin relationships forever.
Make sure you read the stories at this website - by adoptees that found out years and years down the track - quite heart-breaking -
http://www.latediscovery.org/

Adoptees come from another family - and they need to know their truth.
It's very hard to not know who you look and act like.
I'm and aodptee - and I have 2 mothers - that's my reality.
Your mother needs to get over this - as she's making it all about her - and not the best interests of the child - which is what adoption is supposed to be about.
I have 3 children - I love them all with all my heart.
I have 2 mothers - it's exactly the same.
An adoptee should NEVER be made to choose sides.

ETA: adoptees need to know from DAY 1 - not years down the track. It's part of their story - they need to know.

mom of many

in our adoption classes they said some people buy story books about adoption and read to the kids from when they were 2 or 3 years old. Start talking about it when he is young and it will be no big deal to him.

SJM

Well, I guess since your mother was 16 when you were born, you're probably not adopted. If she was a little older, I would wonder if I were you. If she's not willing to tell this child, who's to say she hasn't neglected to mention this to other children previously? Your mother's motives are very selfish. If I were you, I would promise to be the 'someone else'.

elisavann

Yes, absolutely he should be told!! Your mom IS his "real" mom, as she is the one who is raising him. He would be more likely to be resentful and love her less if he finds out that she has been essentially lying to him his whole life one day. He deserves, as a human being, to know that his birth mother gave him up, and that your mom lovingly and willfully adopted him and loves him. To keep that information from him is living a lie, and grossly unfair to the child. Your mom can explain to him about "accidental" kids and "on purpose" kids. His birth mom had an accident, and got a baby she did not want or could not keep for herself. Your mom Wanted baby so much, she got him on purpose, and that makes her his REAL mom. A real mom is the one who loves and raises you, not necessarily the woman who was biologically stuck with you.

AdoreHim

PLEASE have your mother tell her son that he is adopted as soon as possible. You can begin using the word in the house so that he will get used to hearing it. For your first answerer that said wait until he is 14, has no clue on what that may do to your little brother. Put yourself in his shoes for just a moment. You are adopted and your mother decides not tell you- about the age of 10 you overhear someone tell someone else that you are adopted, how would that make you feel? Also if she told you at 14- wouldn't that make you feel she had something to hide all those years. The longer she waits to tell him, the harder it will be for him to understand. I am adopted and was told at such an early age, that I cannot even remember. I also have 2 adopted children, and they knew very early as well. About not loving your mother, because she is his REAL mom- you are wrong- she is his real mom. She is the one that is raising him. This is not to say to birth moms are not moms too, so please don't give me thumbs down, because I said that adoptive parents are real. Have your mom tell him when he is almost too young to understand, and then he will grow up with the thought that adoption is a good thing. I always did.

Serenity71

For now just a buy a story book like "I don't have you're eyes" or other kids books on adoption. Kids understand better through simple stories with lots of pictures. The word 'adoption' at his age isn't really going to mean anything. Face he's just learning to talk and what things are in the world around him at the age of almost 2. Get used to finding ways of explaining things for each stage of his life and then he will grow with a gradual sense of knowing. Also life books are good to make for him. Again full of pictures and short sentences explaining how he came into your family and something about his first mum. Or 'Tummy mother' as some people like to use to explain it all. Just make sure its on his level of understanding.

All the best.

Ashley

well it would depend on how old he is..
i do think you should tell him when hes prolly around preteen years.
if you tell him to late he might be mad u didnt tell him..
but if you tell him to early like around 4 years old he will not understand and might have problems with anger when hes older.

and always expain to the child that you loved him enough to take him into ur household...

black snow

you should tell him when he is around fourteen. he will be able to process it. it is important to tell him yourselves early in his life. My grandmother was contacted at the age of 73 and told by a sister she never knew existed that her father wasn't the man who raised her. by that time it was far too late to talk to anyone about it. That is an extreme case mind you, but kids are curious creatures and you can't lie to them forever.

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