Do you agree?

Journey

I agree with your description of a mother. A woman can carry a child for 9 months and give birth, but not necessarily deserve the title of "mom". I'm not saying that bringing a child into this world is a piece of cake... being pregnant has its hardships.. but a lot goes with being a mother and sometimes just carrying that baby isn't enough to claim that right.

a healing adoptee

No, my mother wasn't an incubator. I just respect her for the hard choice she had to make. So, i personally wouldn't demean her by calling her an incubator. Just an f.y.i my mother did want me, it was just her lifestyle that was a problem.

Cam

No, I don't agree. My daughter has two mothers. She has an adoptive mother (me) and her natual mother.

red&sassy

You think that a woman who carries a child for 9 months isn't taking care of the baby? Very few women get pregnant with the hopes of giving the child up for adoption. Usually the parents or the guy that got her pregnant bail on her. Then on top of that she may lose her job or who knows what....

The mother probably had every intention of having that baby, but hit a brick wall and no one was there to help her through a temporary set back. Agencies and attorneys know this and when she's backed into a corner they start talking about "open" adoption, like it's legal, and how brave and wonderful she is for thinking about what's best for the baby. A baby needs her mother. Period. The baby doesn't care what it sleeps in or wears. The baby needs the love of its mother.

Most enlightened AP's realize that their child has 2 sets of parents. They aren't threatened by this fact. You give the great AP's a bad name.

No, I don't agree with you one bit. Shame on anyone who does.

"Lauren's" first mom, not incubator
Sam's mom

ETA:

Without the love, care, and nuturing of the first mom, there wouldn't be any AP's.

magic pointe shoes

Would you say the exact same thing for women who die during childbirth? "Sorry snookums, that woman was never your mother, she was more like your incubator..."

Sigh.

tish

do you agree that a stranger who never experienced pregnancy, labor and childbirth can actually understand the true nature of maternal-child bonding? do you agree that a woman who has to take pills and use tubes taped to her breast in order to breastfeed an adopted baby is a bit unnatural?

see how that sword cuts both ways???

i VEHEMENTLY disagree with you.

first... incubator is insulting.

second...mothering beings during pregnancy. the very act of sacrificing one's body and health for 9 months is only an act that one who loves a child can do.

third....from your question, i guess you've either never been pregnant, nor been in a position to place a child for adoption. so i'll enlighten you: many women "give them away" for all sorts of reasons, including being coerced and pressured by the very people who are so wonderful! (i speak of the adoption agency and adoptive parents).

fourth...i question your knowledge of the dynamics of adoption.

fifth...you do realize that it is considered biologically normal to gestate and parent your own children, don't you? in other words, women are capable and usually do both. man, we have made this social project called adoption, way too normalized.

PhilM

Well, then, nobody's got a "mother" since everyone's mother leaves them (with a babysitter, at daycare, etc.).

But assuming you don't mean "never" in that claim...

I still disagree. Under your definition, I had no mother. No one managed to stay by my side (barring a few nights out) for my entire childhood.

And thank you for casting aspersions on two women who loved me very much.

ETA: I had two mothers and two moms. It doesn't matter what any of you say.

Tmarie99

No, I don't agree. I was a MOTHER. I will always be the MOTHER of the son I had. I will never be "MOM".
A "MOM" is the who takes care of you. I loved my son unconditionally, that's why I did not keep him.
"Mom" is the one who sits up all night when you're sick.
"Mom" is the one who is there for all the first dates, heart breaks, and dances, etc.

MOTHER is the one who gave you life, and loved you enough to do what she thinks is best for you. Even if it means letting you go forever.

Heather B

No I don't agree at all.

As an adoptee I have two mothers, but that's just the realist in me - I know others like to play let's pretend though.

To agree with your statements would mean that nannies and childminders and daycare workers are also mothers LOL

Whichever way you slice or dice it you cannot make a mother not a mother, except in your own fantasies

janine k

as you or anyone who has not given a baby up for adoption would not understand the feelings involved in this process i think it is very unfair of you to label birthmothers as incubators if that is the case i would like to know what you would call mothers who have children just for the sake of having them and who do not really want care for or love them but are too selfish to maybe give their children a better life by giving them up would you say a woman who has lost a child before during or after birth to other causes an incubator also there are many reasons as to why a mother doesn't or can't have their child or children with them

Isabel A

I don't agree with you.

I love both of my mothers adopted and biological and they both love me.

My kids call them BOTH Grandma.

It works for us.

Sophie

My opinion: A natural mother is a mother. My son's natural mother carried him for 9 months. My son's foster mother was his mother for 8 months before I got him home. I am a mother to my son, who I adopted. There are all kinds of mothers in this world. My son has three that really love him.

Lori A

Since I'm not a mother in your eyes, I'm just going to take my DNA and go home. Then what will you have to play with????

Stacy C

I agree that there's a lot more to being a mom than holding a baby for 9 months, but that "incubator" deserves a lot of credit for putting her feelings aside and realizing what is best for her baby's future. I'm sure that takes a very strong person to be so selfless- kudos to them!

Heather Leigh

My son has two Mothers. Mom (me ) that is there for him no matter what. I sit up with him at night when he is sick, I take him to his appointments, I get to brag because "that's my son" during his sporting events. I get to clap for him during academic award ceremonies. I also get the teenage attitude. But that is what being a Mom is about.

His Mother gave birth to him, and in his case, that is pretty much all she did. No matter what I feel towards her, she is still his bio-Mother though. If it was not for her, I would not be able to be his Mom.

lovehim

I DISAGREE!
i believe that a mother is someone who does what is best for THEIR BABY && i beleiev that if a woman cant care for her unborn child and decides adoption is best for her child that that makes her a GREAT mom

opedial

I agree they are still mothers.

Maybe what you are looking for is who the parent is...parenting is a verb, an action, and that would be the a-parents, unless of course it is shared parenting through open adoption.

School Nurse

Both are mothers. They just have different roles. You can't have one without the other.
"Incubator" is insulting. You should respect ALL mothers.

Still Me

No, I don't agree with you. A mother is someone who does the best for you, no matter what.

Most birthmothers do just that......they think of the well being of their child, and provide for their child and his/her future at great personal cost.

What could be more motherly than that? Adoption is another form of parenting. A mother who places her child for adoption is choosing to give that child the life she wants him/her to have, but through another family.

You must not polarize adoption.....it is not one side versus another side. Everyone involved in the adoption is forever connected. That is why we use the example of adoption triad. No one side against another here! But we see all sides of the triad, which could not exist without the other.

Of course birthmothers are parents, as are adoptive parents. Different, but equal in different ways.

jm1970

You have a typo in your name. When you use too in that way it is too...

Your question is rather ignorant. There are plenty of mothers out there who place their children up for adoption because they love them unconditionally, and because that is the only way for them to take care of them (or the only way they can see).

They love the baby enough to have their heart ripped out forever because it either is or someone has convinced them it is the best thing for the baby.

That person is a mother and a mom.

I know lots of biological mother's who gave birth, fed, sheltered, and clothed the kid all through college, but were never moms. Never gave selfishly, never gave of their hearts....

So, no I do not agree with you. Mother has many definitions...giving birth is one form and I would never stooped to dehumanizing another human being to the point of a machine.

I just did an adoption of a little boy (I could have scooped him right up!) born 5 pounds addicted to cocaine. The woman who gave birth to him and did cocaine KNOWING she was pregnant (4 kid she's done this with) is still his mother. Thank God he also has his forever mother, who cares for him...who loved him into the 95 percentile for weight and height, and is teaching him to give love and grow.

My Kid's Mom

I agree with you but don't answer questions here because there is no point when so many people just want to be rude.
it just makes people argue to post this.

oopsydaisy

I agree with you 100%. But its fair to say that not all bios who gave their kids up for adoption, did it by choice. I bet those poor ladies really wanted that chance to be a mother and have to live with what has happend.

I dont class my bio as my mother, it was her choice to give me up and thats its for me. She was my creator and that is it. Some adoptees dont feel like that, and I can see why. Looking at everyones adoption experience, gives me different thaughts. Thaughts of understanding and compassion. Thaughts of giving the other adoptees, a chance to speak. Think about others before you make an assumtion.

Proud Adoptee

Yep - 100%.

akbutner2

I believe that birth moms are exactly that...they are the ones that carried the baby for 9 months and had enough love to give him/her to a family capable of caring for them. Incubator is a harsh term. Obviously the woman who cares for you the rest of your life is your mother, but so is at least to a point the woman who gave you up. Just my perspective.

tommyboy

A mother is someone who "gives birth to their child".
Not an adoptive parent,a cousin, an aunt and so forth.
Giving birth makes you a mother but not a mommie!!
Big difference...

SMKA713

Technically, even women who give their babies away are "mothers"

But thats only genetics

it takes a woman who has those qualities listed in your question to be a real mother...not just giving birth.

â™¥Amber is a New Momma

i think your a Mother if you carried the baby,
your a mom/mommy if you,"take care of a baby, loves you unconditionally. would never leave you and always has you by her side no matter what"
:)

HappyMomAnna

Well, I believe that a Mother can be several things.... by the dictionary definition...

A Mommy is that woman who kisses the boo boo's, does your hair pretty for the big night---spends the weekend with 500 other girls on retreat--and smiles when you win the prize or holds you hand when you don't.....

A mommy is different then a Mother....so.... that is how I see things....

bec

they are but they shouldn't be although some people are better off giving up there child if they not going to look after them properly

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