Do you agree with my therapist's theory for my taste in men?

Linny G

So Im 43, and have dated men 10 years younger than me. I dont have a son...what does that make me? Oh yeah, Fabulous. And lucky.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I honestly do not see the connection. BUT- I have known women who always dated "bad boys", and the girls' fathers were exactly the same way. They wanted to "fix" them.

Maybe you just dont like frat boys and all the game that go along with them? I dunno, but have fun!

Flying Monkey #073177

Makes perfect sense to me. I only dated much older men until about 6 years ago when I turned into a dirty old cougar!

tshnobodysfool

You like what you like. My answer to the therapist would be so what or don't worry about it. In my opinion they cross the line when they start manipulating you into being some version of you they find more acceptable or normal. Or you can listen to her and be unhappy with making the wrong decision for you. When you have a position that isn't anything harmful to you or others, then they need to mind their own business as therapists of all people should have a wider filter for what is normal or acceptable. What exactly is it she is trying to help you with anyway? You should be picky at 20!
She is projecting her own inadequacies and social shortcomings on you so you will not end up happier than her or than her idea of what someone should be. Her unconscious theory of operation is that "you have to settle at some point and just be happy with what you have". This is not the path to enlightenment or fulfillment.

Oh - and more specifically - it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what made you the way you are or why you prefer older men. You can't relive your formative years to change your taste now. They will change but that will be a gradual ongoing process that happens naturally. Put your effort into changing the more immediate things that are actually problematic.

Jennifer L

Eh. A little too Freudian for me.

I know plenty of non-adoptee women who prefer older men.

I don't think that women look to marry their fathers and men look to marry their mothers.

BLW_KAM

If you never had a positive relationship with an older man (adad, uncle, etc.) your therapist might have a point.

But maybe you have good judgment and are looking for someone with worldly experience (insert wink). My favorite squeeze has gray in his beard now and he still does it for me!

Independ"ant"

I wouldn't say I agree. I lean towards maybe because I personally think it could be a combination of things but if it isn't an issue for you and its not harmful than ignore his/her opinion. We all have our biases.

A conservative irish catholic girlfriend of mine from college who looked and acted like Mary Tyler Moore always had a thing for older or black or hispanic men. She preferred anal as well. She used to say plain vanilla was boring and she didn't have the patience for guys her own age. She wasn't adopted and came from the average run of the mill american family.

To each his/her own.

BOTZ

"...solely comes from the fact that I'm an adopted person."

Uh, no.

My little sister (also adopted into the same family as me) might agree -- as she is 27 y.o. and her S/O is 57. SHE would give your therapist false 'confirmation' of her theory.

However, for that to have any merit, it would have to be more generally true -- even if we, as adopted people, are inherently different beings.

I did not go looking for a "daddy" in my love life. I went looking for a good, nice, decent guy and I found one. He's my exact same age. Actually, *I'm* just a 'titch' older (months...less than a year) so that blows your therapists "theory" all to smithereens.

:-)

Funny, though...a lot of people "theorize" the same about my little sister. I have my own "theories" about her romantic choices. Mine are not really adoption related.

Cheers!

The brain

Argh. How much are you paying her?

As a therapist, I can tell you two things:

1) I do see women looking for "father-figures," when they express the desire to date much older men. BUT, in most cases, I see this in women who have been abused by their fathers or have been completely abandoned by their fathers, BUT they had a relationship with their father before the abandonment.

In your case, did you actually know your birthfather?

2) Some people just like the maturity and stability that an older man supposedly brings.

Might I suggest that in your therapy....you focus on why you are more "picky Nikki" than your actual choices.
For example: what are your feelings? Why do you feel the need for "perfection", what are you FEARING that you need to have such a perfect "male", what are you hiding from, what will it say about you if you don't have perfection, what will it cause you to think about yourself, etc, etc, etc.....

You owe me $120 for the hour.

eharrah1

Instead of concentrating on connections, I would seriously consider another therapist since this one is obviously nuts. Being adopted and liking older men are not connected.

kateiskate

Well I don't know about that. It could be true. But it could just be something she's projecting on you. I never had strong ties with my adoptive dad or my step dad. I've had volatile relationships with most of the adult men in my childhood. But I'm 21 and in a stable relationship with someone who really loves me. (He's 23). You seem really mature so I think that might be part of the reason you aren't as attracted to people your age.

snooglepuss

well 30's wouldnt be so bad but 40's is just wierd.
She could be right though. because if you never got to see your dad you might want older men cuz you think they are more mature.
im not really sure about the other important details so i could be wrong. but i think she may have a point

gibberish

Hogwash! That is just silliness.You should date boys your own age however, every old man will want you as his arm candy but really dear is that what you want?

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