Do you ever wonder if the girls you are coercing to parent instead of adopt could end up doing this?

Jennifer L

Interesting question.

I think that what this comes down to is how responsible are Y! Answers respondants being when it comes to dispensing advice?

Speaking in a general sense, it can be damaging. If someone posts thinking of suicide and takes the "advice" of someone who says flush all of your meds down the toilet, eat a vegan diet and pray about it, is that responsible? What if the questioner takes that advice, has a seizure from the abrupt stoppage of medications and dies?

Speaking to adoption now, or more to the point the people who post on here that they are considering adoption, many respondants feel that adoption is never the right decision. That every person who births a child is capable and willing to be a wonderful parent, so long as someone tells them they can do that. You know, in 99.9% of the questions asked in this fashion, I'm sure those respondants are right. But what about that 0.1%?

Personally, I don't want that hanging over my head. That's why I try very hard not to give advice on these matters or on matters with potientially serious consequences. I don't tell the people who ask these questions to parent their children and I don't tell them to place for adoption. Why? Because I don't know if the person asking is capable of being a parent. I don't know anything about them, other than what was listed in the question. The most I say is to get information, make an informed decision and look at all options out there carefully.

Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but I would be devestated to learn that my well-intentioned "advice" led to a tragedy.

Zuko

First of all, most of the women that have come on here asking whether or not they should relinquish their child have expressed concern like finances or single-parenting... NOT that they don't WANT to parent.

Statistics show that only 2% of relinquishing mothers are mothers that don't WANT to parent their child, even if they had all the resources that they needed to parent said child. One of my closest friends was one of these mothers.... and she'll be the first to admit that she did it for selfish reasons. She didn't want to change her lifestyle and didn't want to be a mom. Hands down.

No one here is trying to claim that every pregnant woman makes a gloriously perfect mom. And in the case above, that woman was seriously mentally ill and should have gotten psychological help.

I think that the process has a LOT of faults that HAVE to be addressed... counseling is one of them. A woman should not be coerced into giving her child up nor should she be pressured to keep it either. I think that mothers in these types of situations should have counseling available to them... counseling WITHOUT AN AGENDA... a way to figure out what the best course of action is without being pressured or coerced by any side of the spectrum. I think that full education on the adoption process and it's after-effects is imperative! No fudging facts or hiding the truth.

I think that if more first mothers were informed of the FACTS instead of pressured with half-truths, more children would be where they SHOULD be... be it with their natural mother or their adoptive parents.

ETA: I would like to say something in response to Suzy Sunshine here.. I agree with you that there's nothing horrible or inherently evil/bad/wretched if a woman decides she doesn't want to raise her child.

I DO however believe that it means something is wrong. And if she chooses to abort, fine. Relinquish. FINE. That's NOT what most of this arguing on this board is about. What's being argued is coercing women who WANT to parent into relinquishing. I think that's wrong. If a woman WANTS to be a mother but can't afford it or is pressured into giving up her child to 'better parents,' it's wrong.

If a woman is pregnant and doesn't WANT to be a mother, even if she had every resource on the planet, that's a different story... and a woman that realizes that, well, kudos for at least recognizing it.

It doesn't change the adoptee's experience, however. And the adoptee may still feel the pain and confusion that some (not all) adoptees feel. There's nothing inherently evil about adoptees that are dissatisfied or upset at how crappy the system is and want to change it.

Justice

No. I donâ€™t. I know there are women who kill their children. Some of them are adopters too. Thatâ€™s not my first concern HERE.

I think it would have been more RESPONSIBLE for my family, pastor, counselor, social workers to have presented more information about early development and the long term pain of separation to me before pushing the idea that sacrificing my firstborn child to adoption would be a win-win situation.

To extol the virtuousness of Bmothers still offends me. If they are worthy of extolling, they are worthy of parenting. They are worthy of assistance. Their children are worthy of them. If you want to do some good, provide nurturance and care to the vulnerable go ahead. You donâ€™t have to own someone to be of help.

Gershom

Actually nope, don't wonder it at all.

What I am wondering is why you're hiding behind a new screen-name instead of posting under your usual name.

The parents who kill their children, aren't the type of mentality who would sit down and make an adoption plan and then decide to parent and kill their children because someone "coerced them."

Do you ever wonder why adoptive parents kill? Watched WE lately and the "women behind bars" series. Theres an aparent on there who killed her daughter because she couldn't handle her not "bonding" with her the way the other adoptee from Russia did.

Yes adopting to fullfill ones own needs is overlooked more and more these days. In fact, its even encouraged. Thats the scary thing. Thats what I'm thinking about.

Freckle Face

Nobody here is coercing women into keeping their babies. People are educating women about their options. Furthermore i highly doubt any sane person would make such a life altering decision by y!a alone.

The case you present is all hearsay.

I was raised by an abuser. I was his property. He was free to do whatever he wanted to me. This is the typical mindset of abusers. Adoption would never be considered.

Mothers who care, plan, and consider the well being of their children and their futures do NOT fall into the category of a typical abuser.

You have to accept and respect that others have different opinions than yours. Our opinions are based on facts not hearsay and if you do your research you will find one redundant fact---First mothers told or coerced into believing their children would be better off without them.

I will not drink your Kool-aid and i like your other screen name better.

Independ"ant"

I guess than its safe to assume then, all infertile women will do this if more girls decide to raise their children:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2006-09-19-baby-kidnapped_x.htm

This is happening more and more as women are finding out they can't conceive.

Im sure what your saying happens but its almost unheard of. I would wait until evidence proves that was the case instead of assuming it. She could have had mental illness. It still doesn't excuse coercing girls into placing children when they truly don't want to. Which is a big problem all over the world today still. They should be given options and supported for whatever decision they make not castigated for chosing to raise their child which is the norm with agencies and paps.
The fact is most girls want to keep their babies but are not given enough support.

Fortunately the last of these Catholic House of Horrors was closed down in 1996.
The Vatican needs to pay for what they did to over half million pregnant teenage girls just like they had to do for the thousands of boys raped by priests.
Enjoy the videos. I would suggest anyone adopting from China watch the movie because women are being thrown into labor camps just for looking for their children the never relinquished.

If its not the corrupt govt and agencies looking the other way, its the Aps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtUa-GxZIEY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txYPkmEaXY8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o082nN9n-AU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqRq20RafpE

I can't begin to even imagine what is being done to the Chinese mothers being taken advantage of by US/Canadian Aps. It needs to stop before another atrocity happens. Pull your heads out of the fairytale book called the Bible as well as your butts.

monkeykitty83

If someone seems unsure about adoption, I think it's much better to recommend parenting. Adoption is forever; once the parental rights are signed away, that's it. If parenting turns out the be too much of a struggle, the baby can be placed for adoption later. For someone who is going back and forth and can't decide what to do, I recommend parenting, because of the two options that's the only one you can change your mind about.

Ultimately, I can't tell someone what to do about their own baby. The decision is in their hands. All I can do is give advice, and my advice is going to be not to make a life-changing and irrevocable decision if they aren't really sure it's right.

If someone KNOWS they can't parent, why would they be asking for advice? That suggests they really don't know. Problems-- even big ones like lack of support and drug addiction-- can be resolved with effort. If someone is going to make that effort, I will try to offer my support.

Asking for advice on a site like this about whether to surrender the child for adoption means the mother (or father) is NOT sure about placing the baby, and isn't certain it's the right thing to do, so I can't in good conscience recommend they place their child for adoption.

jessica300

You said it all right here, "As flawed of an arguement as it might be..."

Of course, there are many adoptees who are abused and killed. Take a look around (http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/15716) or stick your head in the sand.

There is much more that I could write, but I don't really think that you're open to all sides of the debate.

myst1998

Oh right so now she's a toddler/preschooler she wants to do away with her? We don't know the full facts of this case bar what we read in the media and the media is sooo reliable is it not in its portrayal of accurate facts?

Other factors could come into play here for instance PND and problems with the child's father etc. Until we know more we couldn't possibly make any conclusion that because her grandmother convinced her to keep her child she went and harmed her. Because if we go down that path we would then have to point out all the children who have died att he hands of their adopters/foster carers etc to provide a balance to this argument.

This is just a strand pro adoptionists want to cling to to say 'see, this is the result of keeping her baby when she didn't want to' what a load of bs.

sunny

Ugh. Another question from an 'alter' ego. How do you take care of your little adoptees if you're here all day with all your phony identities...

Sure it's possible. But there are MANY more kids who are killed by adopters. I guess she should have "forgot" her in a hot car, that works for the people who adopt the Russian kids--no jail time!

Anyway, why not be brave and show your face, instead of hiding your fury in anonymity?

*BCD's*Mom*

I think people can be convince to do the wrong thing, and I think it happens a lot more then it is talked about on the news.

Lillie

Yeah, because I'm sure people make all their important life's decisions based on what answers they get on Yahoo.

*cuckoo* *cuckoo*

tink

This has always really bothered me as well. Why should someone be a parent if they really don't want to be? The child should be in a home with someone who wants her and will love and care for her. Sure, some people who were adopted have bad experiences, but so do people who grow up with their biological parents. It doesn't make adopting a bad thing!

Michelle

Well, I've considered adopting before, because I know there are many children that would love to have a home, but I never considered this..

Now that I think about it though, that's horrible. That innocent little child could have had a good, stable home, and now look..

Thanks for opening up my eyes and making me more broad-minded. :D

Sophie

I believe 100% that coercion goes BOTH ways and that situation can CERTAINLY happen.

Suzy Sunshine

OK I read it and have revised my answer.

There is incredible pressure on women to keep their babies, particularly when it's a really bad idea. That is one reason why I hold birth mothers in such high esteem.

Until we are ready as a society to start honoring people who make adoption plans we'll see this sort of thing.

The general public has been told that adoption is awful and shameful. Normally within the adoption community we don't deal with that sort of horrible misinformation.

Personally I suspect that some of the Angry Adoptees here are straight up trolls who think it is funny to rant about adoption and how horrible it is. But I also think that some of them are quite sincere.

Do you they care if their anti adoption rants promote the idea that every woman should keep her baby no matter what?

Well, no they obviously don't.

Some of them wish they had died so that they wouldn't have been adopted. When you're that unreasonable I guess you think that Kaylee is probably better off now than she would be in a stable adoptive home.

P.S. Infanticide is committed almost exclusively by biological parents

Mei Ling, you are in serious denial here. There are plenty of women who do not want to parent. Some of them are mothers. Some abort. Some are birth mothers.

There is nothing inherently awful in not wanting to be a mother and at any particular point in time. It is very common.

You cannot read my answer because of the lunatics using and misuing this site, so why would I post my IM info here?

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