Do you really believe open adoption is confusing and abnormal?

Freckle Face

Dear LadyBMW1,

I do think adoption itself is confusing and abnormal, totally agree with Lillie.

Open adoption is a way to help deal with this confusion and hopefully help the child feel less abnormal. There is a tangible set of biological parents that love and adore the child too. When all four parents of an adoptee come together and work together for the best interests of the child, how could it be wrong?

more family to love........i still see more good than bad in open adoptions.

I applaud you for honoring an open adoption. Best wishes.

curious_mrs.J

I will be blunt and real......as a potential adoptive mother i consider closed adoption mostly for my benefit of not having to "deal" witht hte real paretns....and also b/c adoption is usually to start your "Own" family....not to gain another family.....sorry i know how this sounds and thats why i am considerring both open and closed adoptions....after reading some posts from actual adoptees.....i realize i want the best option for my child not for me.

tish

sharla...thank you for your honesty...

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closed adoption (absent of abuse or neglect) only benefits those who want to deny that their child is due to another woman, who endured what they could not. also, it's an attempt to erase the first family...in a word, it's selfish.

it is no more confusing then any other blended family.

Sofiakat

I wish that we could have had an open adoption. It is hard to heal a relationship when one person is absent. I do think that my son would have been better off keeping his mum in his life.
However, the courts deemed it dangerous, as his father is a violent man and mum would not give up her relationship with her abuser in order to keep her kids (he was also her drug connection).
If I found out today that she was no longer doing drugs and that dad was now out of the picture, I would consider opening the adoption.
Even now we live with the threat that dad might find out where the kids are and hurt us (yes he is that violent) especially now that he is no longer incarcerated. However, I have been assured that mom will give no info about us to him as she wants us all to be safe.

Mei-Ling

I'm tempted to say no, but there have been cases where the child gets confused. I myself couldn't have been in an open adoption as I was adopted overseas.

So... possibly?

Depends on the child's emotional maturity and how well the concept of "adoption" is explained to them as they grow up.

Jackie B

Like kateiskate said - "normal" is subjective. My "normal" was closed too.

If you have an open adoption and have known your bio family and your adoptive family and known what role everyone plays since day one, that is your "normal".

I can see where it would be confusing to a child who has already spent some time being brought up in one family and then moved into another. With time and cooperation from all parties involved, I think children can grasp the concept. It just has to be at the child's pace, not everyone else's.

Lillie

No, I think adoption itself is confusing and abnormal.

You can't switch families willy-nilly and think that biological ties can just be erased by the signing of a document. People, human beings, are hard-wired to want to be with their kin. We look for similarities in physical structure, we want to have those same talents and abilities and likes and dislikes as our family members, we want to "fit in" as only relation can.

It's the reason why millions of adopted people grow up to seek out their mothers and fathers and family. It's not just simple "curiosity", it's human nature...and try as hard as you want to, you can never, ever erase that need to know and be accepted by one's biological kin.

Bouvier

I think what would be more confusing would be to live a life of secrets, only to find out that the people you trusted, hid something HUGE from you. Talk about confused!

Open adoption may be awkward, but if it is handled in the correct manner, may be better for everyone involved. Notice, I say "may". I understand that open adoption is not always possible, however, I do feel communication is key, and if there is any information to offer to adoptees, it should be forwarded to them (at an age appropriate time of course).

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

We are quite a blended family. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage, we have 2 adopted daughters, and 1 biological child together. We are also in an open adoption with our oldest daughter's family. It's not confusing to her, it is just what she knows. I am so thankful that she will never have to wonder about her heritage, her looks, her likes/dislikes, and especially her medical history. Her adoption didn't scar one family to help another, it joined two families together forever. We are blessed.

Heather Leigh

I kind of think of open adoption alon the same lines of divorced parents. Just because I am divorced from my ex does not mean he does not have a right to have a relationship with our children. Actually the judge mandated it when he ordered that we have joint legal and physical custody. It is only abnormal to the kids if we as parents make it that way. Kids are pretty resilient and adjust alot better than adults do.

The same can be said about open adoption. If this is all the child knows it becomes a normal part of life. And I just don't see how a child can be harmed by having two sets of parents that love them.

opedial

Our adoption is open and closed. It is closed to the children. They were adopted as older children, and knew their parents, but due to abuse and neglect the parents are NOT allowed to see them for a very long time; however, I offered to meet with them myself annually to share pictures, see how they are doing, and keep that contact and a journal for when my children are older and want to initiate contact.

But my kids were older so that maybe is different, but if I had adopted a child from birth, I could not imagine hvaing it closed where I shared no info with my child, or tried to keep things "normal", when in fact being adopted is a different way to form a family than birth, and some things will be different. If done right, I think we can avoild harm to the children if we keep informaiton open, and let them be who they are and feel how they feel and support them in any way we can.

maryalice

I personally think open adoption is a good idea- to an extent. Ultimately, I think that it should be the adoptees choice on whether or not they want to meet their biologicals. I had an open adoption have known my bmom my whole life. I only saw her at christmas and my birthdays, but it was healthy for both of us to meet up every once and a while. My bdad came in contact with my mom about two years ago, and it was my choice on whether or not i wanted to meet him. At the time, i didnt want to for personal reasons, but eventually i did, and since the optioin was there, i took it. Now i know both my bparents, but I only contact them when I want to.

Also, its relieving for me to know where I got some of my traits from and have access to family medical history.

Open adoption works best when the adoptee gets to decide who and when they meet.

Katherine B

I think it is way abnormal to have an open adoption, Mine was closed, (so I guess that's why I cant fully grasp this idea). I knew that when I was older I could meet my BM if I wanted to. I was never forced to grow up with my BM always around. I believe that if that was the case I would have been asking why my BM didn't just take care of me her self? If a birth mom can talk with the child everyday and see the child when she wants to then what was the point of the adoption? I wonder if any one else sees it as the adoptive parents just paying and raising the kid while the birth mother or father gets to stand by and still be a parent but with out any expectations and responsibility's of acting as one?

gibberish

Yes. Children need to bond with the real parents who raise them. I can't see how this is healthy.

Just me

My Adoption was a closed one! I agree with the open and closed adoptions. When an adoption is closed it is so much harder to get any information about who you are. You get told things about you bio parents from your parents. No medical information is given. My history on who i am. Really what if i have health issues? What if my kids have health problems? Or even my grand-babies? It isn't fair to have my records locked up and sealed up so tight that you have to fight to get them open. Not all parents are understanding. Years of counseling i have learned that a person does need to know who they are. They need to have the answer to as why in order to heal. With all history being kept locked up and keeping birth parents in hiding doesn't help one to heal to put closer on the adoption. I agree with open cause i have 2 kids who's father jumped out on them. They were adopted by my husband and since i did an open adoption with them. They were able to tell me they wanted to meet him and i didn't have to keep it from them. They could call him and get answers. One of my kids had a chronic illness of getting massive migraines keeping him down for 3 to 4 days at a time. 1 year ago when he asked if he could meet his father and see who he was. We set up the meeting and the migraines stopped he hasn't had one since the day he meet his father. He knows now why he was adopted and loves his step dad more today than he did a year ago. There are good things that take place with open adoption. With closed so many left unanswered questions and we start living a life a make believe. I loved my parents who raised me yet i do as any other person need to know truly who i am so i can heal

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