Do you sometimes feel like it is all pointless?

Looney Tunes

Hey.

First, you are so great for working with this. Many people would have given up, "bounced him" ALONG time ago. Many people never would have "taken him."

Second, ----time. I wish I could say more, but it will come in time.
Someday, you will wake up and notice that the anger, the yelling, the hittting, the spitting, etc will be slowly disappearing. And then the next thing you notice, it will be gone.

He may ALWAYS feel loss, but that does not reflect on you. It is hard to remove from the heart. But, as he get older and with time and your consistantacy he will learn to deal with his feelings in better ways.

He will be happy and he will feel attached. He just has alot of hurdles to jump that someone else put there. Its not fair, but time, love, good therapy, consistancy, will pay off.

Hang in there.

Freckle Face

Dear Sofiakat,

First, (((((((((hugs)))))))))

Second, My belief is that "adoption" is where the hatred and anger is directed at. If you listen to the adoptees here.....they are smart, witty, resilient, forgiving, kind, caring, compassionate and resourceful. There are of course, many more wonderful qualities in the regular adoptees here. That gives me confidence that our kids will be okay.

Its hard to heard all the negative here sometimes, i agree. I try to remember that many adoptees are upset with the "adoption industry" or "adoption" in general. The wunnerful adoption propaganda is so powerful that the negative has to be said over and over again. I do NOT believe that the regular adoptees here are angry and bitter people in real life.

Lastly, I can not imagine what you must be going thru as a parent to a child with RADs. I do look up to you and admire you. Your strength astounds me. You have my support and best wishes always:)

sunny

I'm sorry your son is sad/mad.

I've often thought of this when you talk about him...have you ever considered getting him into Martial arts?

Ask around your area for the BEST Karate or Tae Kwon Do instructor, and get him in the classes.

It could change his life, and yours.

Minnimouse

As an adoptee I have always felt lost.

His adoption would have happened regardless of whether you were there or not. He would have gone through the trauma.

Your role is to be his mom and that doesn't mean fixing him it means being there, being that foundation that holds him up. You are doing your best to be that support for him and that's all you can do.

From when I was about 9 when my foster brother was kicked out of the house which traumatised me hugely until I was 15 I would have uncrontrollable rages about every three months or so that lasted about 1/2 an hour to an hour, I would scream and run around and throw things (books, china even chairs), pulling out my hair and threatening to kill myself. My parents did not really understand it and thought I was just being naughty. I didn't understand it myself really. However, when I met my biological grandfather for the first time and then my aunt when I was 16 the rages stopped. I have never had one since. I also just recently talked to my foster brother and he told me something that has actually healed me. He said "don't feel guilty in any way, you were only a child," suddenly I realised what had been hurting me all those years and I cried for about four hours straight. After that I felt so much lighter and I no longer have such horrible feelings anymore. Even though adoption is my life I feel quite at peace really.

What I'm getting at is that sometimes it's the very people who hurt you (directly or not directly) who will heal you in the end. So if there is anyway that your son could speak to someone in his past that could really help, It might also help him to join an adoption group where he can speak with people who can fully understand where he is coming from. I also like the idea of martial arts.

I think you are doing a fantastic job, and even though he might not have a perfect life, he will have benifitted hugely from your support.

Adoption is pointless, but you have him now, when you are adopted you experience a lot of confusion and pain but at the same time you experience something that not many people do. Adoptees have such a connection to their own emotions, they are intuative, sensitive, sympathetic and passionate individuals that appreciate more than ever the importance of the connection between (natural) mother and child.

cruzgirlz3

The fact that your son experiences pain does not mean he won't experience happiness or joy. It doesn't mean that he won't feel your love. It just means that he needs you, that you have great purpose for being there with him. You may not be able to cure his pain, but you can be with him through it, and that is a powerful thing.

Not Adopted

You appear to be doing the best you can....and that's the most anyone can be expected to do.

You're also miles ahead of other adoptive mothers because you recognize the source of his pain and you are not afraid to deal with it. That will make a world of difference for your son!

Lillie

Freckle Face has hit the nail squarely on the head.

I don't have any experience with RAD, so I don't really know what it is that you go through with your son, but what Freckles said, at least for me, is absolutely true. I don't go around 24-7 in a blind rage, spouting angry hateful spew and feeling sorry for myself. When I speak out against adoption, it is against the INDUSTRY that treats children like commodities and ignores their basic rights. I speak out against an INDUSTRY that seals records, treats adults like children or criminals for no reason, that does very little to keep mothers and children together because there might be a profit in separating them.

But 95% of the time, I am an average, normal person, indistinguishable from anybody else; I work, I have a family, I go shopping, I go out with friends, I have to watch my favorite shows on Wednesday nights and I work out at the gym a few nights a week. I have my passions (outside of adoption), I laugh, I love, I cry, I dream, I sing along to the radio when I'm driving, I scrub the toilet, I swap recipes and make my own lip balm.

To put it simply: I am just a person, just like you, just like anyone else. When I come on here to bytch about adoption, it's the only time I ever talk about adoption. But like it was said above, there is SO MUCH happy-clappy yay adoption propaganda out there, that somebody has to expose the darker side of adoption, and it has to be talked about again and again, if people are going to ever understand the full truth about what adoption really is.

Because if people, ESPECIALLY adoptive parents or those considering adoption, do NOT get a full view of it, then who is going to get the disservice? The CHILDREN. I do this for the children. Children are so overlooked, their needs are so overlooked outside of just giving them a home and some love, well, that's all well and good but when it comes to adoption they need SOOOOOO much more than just love and a roof and a warm bed and a Wii.

But I'm getting off track here.

No, it's not hopeless. Don't ever lose hope, for your son's sake, please don't ever lose hope.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

wow....i think the important thing to remember is that his anger is not about you personally.

yes, i hate adoption. yes, i hate that i was given away. but i absolutely 100% adore my afamily. in fact, i like them more than i like my first mother.

i think a lot of my issues with her go back to the fact that she never recovered from being seperated from me.

please don't think this is about you, per se. it's very hard to be given away. it's intensely painful to know that your own mother didn't want you.

it's infuriating, i think your son doesn't know how to articulate it yet. so it just comes out in any way he can figure out.

it's not about you.....it's about his loss.

xoxoxo

jessica300

Oh yeah, as a mother who lost her only child to adoption, I think it's all pretty pointless. Thanks for pointing that out. I fight against the pointlessness of adoption every single day. I feel the futility. I embody the loss.

Sophie

Sometimes it takes time.

no i don't k death is me

yes right now im sick of it im not worth it anyways !!!
!!!
!!!!
!!!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: