Do you think PAPs and APs' opinions would be revered here if they talked about adoption as a 'negative' only?

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

There are people here that are not gonna like a PAP/AP no matter what we say. It's pointless to try, so save you breathe for the vast majority here that enjoy a good debate or an enlightening conversation with any side of the "triad".

sunny

Hats off to your originality.

"Only negative"? I don't think the majority of adoptees speak about adoption in 100% negative verbage.

However, if PAPs and APs (especially APs) were to admit some negatives about adoption--THEIR adoption--I would applaud their honesty and bravery.

It does happen, but not often. I think maybe the difference is that adoptees are removed from 'adoptionland' (since we're adults) and can see it more clearly. Hindsight IS 20/20.

Lori A

Yes, because they would be being honest enough to admit negatives exist. If they could talk about the negatives maybe we could pinpoint some areas where we could work together from ALL sides of adoption to make some really needed changes.

If all you can talk about is how wonderful it is WHAT would needs to be changed? Is this the opinion you have? That there is nothing about adoption that needs to be changed?

Who do you think these people fight for? Do you want to be scrambling for your childs first parents identities when your child is lying in a hospital needing family history or worse?

Negatives exist, wrongs have been done, and the only way to get them changed is to bring them to light.

So yeah, I do.

My usual disclaimer, to those of you who are excellent adoptive parents and understand that change needs to be made.

Freckle Face

Honestly, I don't know any ap here that is "negative" only about adoption.

I mean come on, we adopted children right? There is an obvious positive, I just don't feel the need to rub that in the face of others. Especially those who are in pain because of adoption.

Flying Monkey #073177

I just don't even know what to say to your questions or answers to be honest.

What negatives would the average AP have to talk about? They got what they wanted.

As for PAPs I see plenty of negatives on that side. Why does it cost so much? Why does it have to take so long? Why can't it be easier for us? How dare that evil little wench decide to parent! We are better for ANY baby than you. Not likely I am going to revere anyone on that side of the camp. -snort-

If you are talking about PAPs and APs who are sympathetic to adoption loss and adoptee rights then sure, if they are sincere, I would listen to them more carefully and be more open to dialogue. Why don't you ask the PAPs and APs I am friendly with what they think of how I appear to view them?

cantstopLinnyG

You mean they aren't???

I think people would take the pap's and ap's who chose to deny facts a little more seriously if they were less degrading to the adoptees who are giving them a glimpse into their futures.

Not ALL the pap's and ap's here a like that, but we all know who they are....

Vikki Dreams

I do find it interesting that most Adoptees on here have a negative view of being adopted.
Not that they do not greatly love their adopted parents., just that they feel negative about adoption.
Myself included.

I also think they everyone should be able to express their feelings, negative or positive.

monkeykitty83

Actually, I think being ONLY negative would come off as either absurdly hypocritical, disturbingly self-loathing and/or loathing about the child, or as outright lies.

I mean, adoptive parents DID adopt. Prospective adoptive parents are hoping to adopt. So clearly, they saw positives.

I do think adoptive parents get a better response when they take a balanced view-- as in most of life, where extremists aren't loved. I think adoptive parents will be seen as more thoughtful and realistic if they take a nuanced stance rather than saying everything about adoption is wonderful. Because you know, it's not. There's a lot to criticize, a lot to reform, and a lot that's just plain loss and can't really be fixed.

So I think what is needed from adoptive parents is balance and realism, not just pure negativity for negativity's sake. I think someone who adopted a child or wanted to adopt a child then talking about adoption as only negative would come off as either extremely fake or extremely emotionally confused.

Ta-Da

i notice the ones who do talk negative are revered

Serenity71

There are both positives and negatives to adoption and its close minded to ignore or dismiss either good or bad experiences from people who are simply using their experience to answer a question.

I probably get more thumbs down if i share the positives that I know exist not just for us but for some adoptee's. Like we LOVE our kids and accept them for themselves, and we overjoyed to have them in our lives and it was the happiest moment for us to become parents.Or even our adoption experience when we first met our daughters in the foster home. No one here is stealing those moments from us or our kids.(Quite frankly if were sad about it what good would that do for our kids. Its still part of THEIR story too that they spent their first 6 months in foster care. and we were excited about the phone call one day to ask if we would be their parents.)

Tell the truth even if its not what people want to hear. Isn't that whats encouraged these days with adoptive parents.

Philippa

I've noticed that paps and aps are revered no matter what their opinions. Sadly adoptees and natural parents aren't unless they are positive about adoption. I refuse to pretend adoption is only positive as my personal experience is only negative.

Jennifer L

Do you mean negative about adoption in general or negative about experiences in our own families?

I was recently talking to someone about this. If I ever had a serious adoption-related concern with my children, I wouldn't post it on this forum. I may PM specific people for advice, but with the antagonstic attitude toward APs that is prevelent here, I wouldn't feel comfortable asking the general group.

It really feels like saying *anything* positive about adoption, even something as simple as "I love my children" is met with derision. I don't know whether it's a personal matter and I'll be TD'd for saying anything, or whether it's from someone with so much personal pain that they either cannot bear to hear something positive, or refuse to believe it's possible. Or maybe that someone is so focused on the "adoption is about the children" that to admit any personal joy as an adoptive parent is self-centered. I've given up trying to guess motives.

grapesgum

Revere? Too strong. Respect? Yes, I respect any prospective adoptive parent or adoptive parent who is able to share his/her perspective within his/her role in adoption and is able to refrain from speaking for adoptees and first parents. Unfortunately, the majority seem to be compulsive about assuming that their adoptive parenthood makes them experts on feelings that they have never experienced.

I absolutely crack up at adoptive parents who exert their authority on the feelings of adoptees based on their pre-schoolers or even younger. I do revere their stupidity.

kateiskate

Your question doesn't make sense.

But to answer it, no I do not think that PAPs and APs opinions would be revered if they talked about adoption only in a negative light. They might become a little more respected if they were a little more respectful to those of us who have lived adoption first hand. I think adoptive parents should be interested in our perspectives since we were once adopted children also and can provide a unique perspective.

Being open minded is the key to learning. If you're here to be snotty, you aren't going to learn anything.

People hear what is convenient to them and what makes them feel comfortable.

Daisey Duck

It really wouldn't matter to quite a few on here who just view pap's and ap's as evil. Even when they do say that there are problems with the system they are still put down. The thing is there are both positives and negatives with adoption, as with everything else in life. Some only choose to see the bad in everything.

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