Do you think adoption is an awful thing?

jm1970

Hi Carrie,

NO! I don't think adoption is a horrible thing at all. I think it can be a loving and mature decision, if that is what is best for your child.

Looking at your resources though, it seems like you have a lot of options for your baby.

You are 27, not a child by any means, and you have stated that you have the help and support of your parents.

You are also moving 5 states away from this man.

I know lots of loving and mature adults who were raised by a single parent. There are many kinds of loving families, not just a mom and a dad.

The fact that you are considering these options, along with the help of your parents (who could serve as role models as well) shows me that you might have what it takes to raise this child as a single parent. A single parent can show love and stability.

Please stay away from your exboyfriend...you did the smart thing, if he hit you once, he'll do it again. He should pay support and if he's willing to, make him.

Only you can make the decision for what is best for you and this child, but you obviously love the baby very much, and you have a lot of support.

I think you should get some counseling from a battered women's place. Just because he only hit you the one time does not mean you are suffering from some abusive behaviors long before the physical violence.

Women in your situation often feel weak and disempowered.....that is what batterers do. I think when you get some of your self esteem back, you will see that you have more to offer your child than you believe right now.

Please try and get some counseling (NOT from an adoption agency) to sort out how you feel.

I'm not saying it is ideal to have a father come and go....it is hurtful, but a consistent mom can make all the difference. Please don't give up your child based soley on being a single mom.

You cannot imagine this now, but someday, the woman in you will heal and you may find a man ( a real man) to share your life with. One who will love you, honor and respect you, and your child to....and if not, lots of single parents raise wonderful people!

I'm not trying to pressure into keeping your child if you honestly feel you cannot raise the child, but 2 parents does not automatically equal better, more money doesn't mean better......

You speak of what your child deserves....and you're right for doing this, but you also deserve to be a mother if that is what you choose.

God Bless you. I leave you with the words of Christopher Robin....(Winnie the Pooh)...I have this in my children's bathroom...

You are stronger than you seem. You are braver than you know. You are smarter than you think!

?amanda?

your right it is a lot of hard work for one person to raise a child, but my mom raised my two sisters and i, by herself i don't hate her less or think of her less i believe she is a strong woman... my dad on the other hand is lazy and was never there...

when i got pregnant i fought with the partner never in my mind thought about abortion either i told myself i could do it... no matter what, i ended up working things out with the father and he is the best father for my child... i wouldn't just give up or stress about it yet...

good luck.

Dwayne' s mommy!

I understand that you want what is best for your baby, But what i think is best is if you keep it and raise it yourself i am pretty sure your family and friends will help you out. I am positive that you will find someone one of these days that loves you and your baby and will take the baby has his own. There are a lot of single women out there that are in the same position that you are in and they raise the baby themselves. You sound like a pretty strong women. You will be a wonderful mom! All babies do need there mothers. There are programs out there that you can turn to if you need help. I hope that you make the right decision, You will be a great mom just remember that! And if you have to get child support he does not have to give it to you if you go through state they will take it from his check if he is working and they will mail it to you. Good luck and congrats on your baby. And please don't stress your not only hurting yourself your hurting the baby.

Isabel A

Your baby needs you first and foremost. Babies need their mothers.

If you have family support and help, please consider keeping and raising your child yourself.

And do some research on what adoption really means to women who relinquish their babies.

http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com/writing_my_wrongs/2008/04/white-flag-real.html
Adoption truly is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Sophie

You say, "I am wiling to give my life to this child & love and protect it with ALL I have." That sounds like a good mother to me... and you also said that you're getting support from your parents. That's so good to hear. I think you may be under estimating yourself.

Your child may always have to be involved with his natural father, even if adopted. Wouldn't you want to be there for him yourself to handle all of the struggles you know about?

KWilbanks

I urge you to keep this child. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. My daughter's father & I broke up when she was 5 days old. I felt absolutely horrible that I had brought this child into the world & now she would grow up without a father just like I did. Then, I looked back at all the pain I suffered growing up just wondering what was wrong with me & why my dad wasn't around. My situation is still the same. My daughter hasn't seen her dad in 4 years(she is 6 now). All I can do is love her, let her know that I understand the pain she is going through and do my best to help her overcome it.
I think even if the dad never comes around, at least your child will still have one parent. It is hard and painful, but you can do it. Dont do something you'll regret and wonder about the rest of your life. At least sit & think on it awhile before making any decisions.

Warrior Mom

If you are able to take care of your child, then your child shouldn't have to "go through" adoption. Adoption is not the answer. You will feel a terrible loss that will never go away. Your child will feel abandoned no matter how loving the adoptive family is. You are his/her mother. If you don't love him/her enough to keep him/her, it will feel like abandonment. That's how it feels from an adoptee's viewpoint. No amount of logic can reason that away. Many people will tell you that you are being very unselfish to give your child up for adoption. And they would be correct, because in your heart you would be doing it out of love for the child. The problem is that by the time you figure out that it wasn't necessary. That it wasn't the only way to give your child a good life, it will be too late. You will live with the pain all your life. And your child will live with the pain of adoption all his/her life. Adoption is necessary when it is to save a child's life--literally, because the mother is incapable of keeping the child safe. Even then, it is traumatic for the adoptee. So, don't put your child through that if you don't have to. I am an adoptive mom. I am also a Child Support Worker for 14 years now. You made a mistake by staying in an abusive relationship, but we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you are doing the right thing now. You are getting far, far away from the abuse. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can do this. You can give your child a good life in spite of the challenges that lie ahead.

Jenni

Adoption is a great thing, however, it sounds like you are committed to your baby, which is wonderful. Just cause you and your babies dad aren't together anymore, doesn't mean you won't find another man who is more supportive and loving toward you and your baby. It is great that you have family that is willing to help you out. Don't rush out trying to find a daddy for your baby. It is great that the daddy wants to see the baby, but it also seems he is not supportive emotionally or physically. Cling to your family and talk to them about how you feel also.

Good luck.

Gershom

Your child needs you. Just because his/her dad is rude, doesn't mean he should have to suffer life without you either. In my opinion, you should keep your child. The best for a baby = mama. Go with your family, leave the father, separate yourself from him and raise your child with your family. You are my age, I know you can do it, i'm raising two and they are my complete sun, every wish, every breath is for them. I have never laughed more in my life, than I have since my children have been born. I was so depressed, and I have no reason to be anymore, they make every day worth it.

good luck, whatever you decide.

magic pointe shoes

Here is a booklet by Concerned United Birthparents about what every woman considering adoption for her child should know.
http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf

Also, a study was done on adoption in America right now and how we should be protecting the rights and wellbeing of birthparents. I think it gives some food for thought on what you would be in for when considering adoption so that you aren't taken advantage of.
http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2007_01_Birthparent_Study_All.pdf

Just so you know the difference between parenting in a situation you describe above on wanting to do anything for your child, but it's just not the ideal picture of what family should be, versus relinquishing your baby for adoption and having the child struggle with the idea of she loved me so much she abandoned me... well it's a flip of the coin really isn't it? Sure people present adoption as this really decent act you could do for your child, but at the same time there is very little respect given for mothers like me who have relinquished children for adoption. We are presumed to be unfit and definitely not worthy enough to parent children. Those accusations seep in to your being and affect how you parent future children, how you relate to those who remain around you.

Relinquishment isn't something you can do and then pick up your life like pregnancy and birth didn't just happen. If by carrying this child to term you have the opportunity to make dramatic changes, then by all means necessary, rise to the challenge of raising your child. Your baby deserves *you*

Kelsy

what it comes down to is what you feel is best for your baby. adoption is a great resource and they have open adoptions now, however, just cause the bio dad is not so dependable doesn't mean that your child will go with out a father figure. Listen to your heart.

turingschild

Definitely not crazy. Adoption is a blessing for both the adoptive parents and the baby who gets to LIVE. I don't see a downside at all. Adults who were adopted love their adoptive parents, and often love their bio parents too, if they know the facts.

*Momma and wifey*

adoption is not a bad thing, but he has to also sign over his rights for it to happen. But i do have to say this- it is not necessarily a bad thing for you to raise a child on your own. I have many friends (most of them) who were raised by their mother only, and they turned out to be very well educated, loving and nurturing mothers. Not to mention they are also very happy to say that their mom did raise them on their own. If you feel the best thing for the baby is to give the baby up for adoption, do not beat your self up for that. You do what you feel is right...

Momof7

I have adopted twice. The second time, the birth mom already had 4 children and had her 5th when she was 22. So, she decided to put him up for adoption. I feel so blessed to have him and so amazed by her courage. I really feel like children need a two parent home, but don't know how hard it would be to give up a child. Good luck either way. You are strong to even think about it. We consider both of our birth moms our heroes.

Canadian,Eh?

im sure youll make the desion thats right for you...good luck

AdoreHim

I am answering this from an adoptee's viewpoint and also the mother of 2 adopted children- and I will say this- if you can raise your child with the help of your parents and feel like that would be the best for your child, then by all means do it- however, the way you talk it seems that it may not be. I love it that you are actually asking this question. It seems like adoption is getting a bad rap these days (ok, no emails about this please, I have gotten enough of them already)- if you feel 100% that raising your child would not be in the best interest of your child, then by all means place for adoption. If you want to talk to someone who has had a great adoption experience email me.

Santa's Lil' Helper

Why I think every child deserves two parents.....sounds like this one will have three. :-) I would not count on the baby's father.....but look to mom and dad for support.
Go with your heart and do not make a decision to you hold your baby.

Pregnant with my 2nd!

I have to tell you that I think even exploring the option is so very brave of you! I'm 28 and had my daughter at 17. It was a huge struggle, but it sounds like you really have some support. Don't worry about the dad, you can do this "alone" should you decide you want to.

Should you decide that adoption is best, there are so many amazing families that would welcome your little one with open arms. You could even choose open adoption...

I wish you the best and want you to know that I think you're a very strong person, not to mention that you're brave for leaving a relationship that's abusive. Good luck in whatever you choose. I know you'll be ok and so will your baby :)

Cameron S

If in your heart u know u cant give it the best life. I think that u are a wonderful person and i dont care what any one says. Any one who puts their child before them is a angle to me. Yes adoption would be good.

Jennifer L

The best piece of advice I can give you is to get all of the information you can, both about adopting and about being a single parent. Know your resources, your rights and responsibilities and make an informed decision. Ask yourself if you are ready to be a parent. I prefer this phrase to "keeping the baby" because you'll be a parent long after the child ceases to be a baby. Being a single parent does NOT mean automatically being a bad parent. And it sounds like moving closer to your parents will mean more support for both of you.

Questions like yours come up on this forum every so often and I more or less have the same response. Nobody can, or should, be telling you to parent your child or to place your child for adoption. This is your decision and only yours.

But you don't have to make a decision right now. You sound like you are still reeling from the breakup with your boyfriend and what sounds like a stormy relationship. Your decision can be, in fact, to not make a decision right now. There's time to truly consider your options.

Good luck.

Proud

Its completely up to you. If you feel that you can provide for, care for and love the child, then by all means, KEEP IT. If you feel like you can't offer it a good life, then adoption is the next best thing. Do not base your decision off of what you think the father will or won't do. Its not about him. Its about you and that baby. LOTS of wonderful families are single parent families. Don't sell yourself short hun. It sounds like you could be a really great mom to this child.

If you keep it, yes, you may have to deal with his/her father not being around, but at least he/she will have you. If you give him/her up for adoption, he/she will have to deal with both biological parents not being in the picture. Which would be harder to deal with?

awesome

What you should do is MAKE SURE your child has a good home. Put it up for adoption through one of the programs that allows you to have annual visits with your child, because i think you are really going to care for and have a hard time giving up your child. It'll make the adoption a lot easier.
Adoption is a wonderful thing as long as the baby goes to a good home.
I'm very grateful that you're not having an abortion. Good Choice.
Congratulations on bringing a new baby into the world.

å¤Summer

Not at all.

Lori A

Okay your crazy.
Adoption isn't always a bad thing and it isn't alwyas a good thing. There is no law that says adoptive parents can't get divorced. If you have the support to keep your baby do it. It's what you want to do. Fathers have been known to come around in their feelings. Pregnant women have been known to get hormonal and act goofy. There was no guarantee that you and your boyfriend wouldn't have separated later in life. You have to always be ready to be without the other parent. Anything can happen. I think you will be fine on your own. You have your parents and who knows maybe the dad will come around once he sees his child.

granny

you will have a few months left before the child is born many changes will happen to you. you are upset right now many thoughts coming and going in your head wait and figure out what is right say in a month. you are undecided about this child many many times we change our minds about giving up a little one in the end its your choice do what is right for both of you

sk8ermom

A child does not need a father to have a good life. Please don't let that be the only reason should you choose to place your child. Money doesn't buy happiness. If you have support from your parents that is wonderful. That can help so much with stability. Make a go at it on your own. If, after parenting for 6 months or so and you still think your child will do better somewhere else, than you can still place him/her. But don't count yourself out as the best parent just for these reasons.

snowwillow20

It sounds good now, but wait until your babies first birthday or when you see another baby and cry your eyes out or you have dreams of your baby or you are unable to "get on with life". I'm a fmom. I know what you will go through.
If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don't keep the secret, don't live a lie, it will only be worse on you. I wish you good luck.

immer2loves

adoption is a great idea especially if you feel you are not ready yet and that you wont be able to give this child the love it will need, but be aware feelings change make a choice but make sure you wont regret it. my sister gave her daughter 14 years ago i heard her daughter is very happy and very smart, her family adores her however my sister married and she could has never conceinved even though she try she had four miscarriage it is really sad but life works in strange ways for many reasons. she regrets not given her daughter a chance but i believe her daughter is happier where she is.
you are a very kind girl abortion is never an option.

Adopted Jane

YOUR Child deserved the Best absolutely I couldnt agree more
and at 27 years old you are not a child
and your child DESERVES YOIU

DO NOT GIVE THIS BABY UP

Raise this child, love this child, you will not regret it

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