Do you think adoptive parents are the controlling type?

SagaSue

It's not that we are controlling. It's just that we are desparately trying not to get it wrong. When you adopt, there is so much emphasis on 'being a good parent' and 'doing the right thing'. We feel that we owe our children so much because of the bad start they had in life. We're not perfect, and we do get it wrong! ;o)

monkeykitty83

Some are, sure. Not every adoptive parent is, but some are. Some biological parents are pretty darn controlling too, but again not all.

Also, not all adoptive parents are infertile.

People are individuals, not one big giant stereotype.

BLW_KAM

Absolutely! I control the menu, cleaning, bill paying, vacation planning, pet care, homework help, teeth brushing, bath time, laundry, first aid care, repairman scheduling, technology upgrades, decorating, and positions during you know what ;-)

Am I controlling? I must be, I'm an AP!

Blah blah blah

Good pop psychology. Way to make generalizations. I know lots of people who can have their own children and chose to adopt too. How would your broad statement explain that?

Opedial

Well yes, I have been a controller since before I was even consdiering parenthood, actually adopting has made me loosen my control significantly!

Can't control having their own kids, now that is just below the belt and does not dignify an answer.

How would feel if I said: Hey, do you think all black people are such and such as way, because I know a few who are like that? Hey, do you think all women are hormonal because I know a few like that?

I rarely am offended as an adoptive parent, but congratulations on your success.

Serenity71

Your questions are great for earning points...

I know some very controlling domineering parents and NONE of them have adopted children, blows that theory outta the water big time don't you think.

BTW- are you the manipulative type, because the way you ask questions is very much that way. So it would seem you could be considered controlling in the way you generalize.

Flying Monkey #073177

I have noticed that some tend to be more lets say... hyper vigilant. Control issues can come from many places but I think that the amount of time and effort that goes into an adoption can make some people more likely to exercise extreme caution when raising their children. This works in other ways too though, I am extremely hyper vigilant with my children out of an irrational fear that they too will be taken from me. Some of us just can't seem to get past our issues.

Anha S

My adad was pretty laissez faire. My amom on the other hand, extremely controlling. My husband jokes that I must have grown up under a rock. I had very few experiences with much of anything.

But I dont think that she was controlling because she was an aparent, I think she was controlling because that's who she was. She had very little control over her own life growing up, and once she was able to control her world, everything in her world was subject to it.

mom to be

HUH? There are controlling people all over the world. I do not think it has anything to do with "having their own kids". That is a very broad and odd statement.

DevonChaos

I don't know about others. Mine sure is. Even to this day, and I'm 30. I know she waited years and years to get a baby, so I think she over compensated by being around me constantly and keeping me on a short leash while she could.

Rowan

no i don't. my parents were never the controling type. AND thy had two biological children before they adopted me and my twin brother.

not all APs are infertile.

Angela R

Adoptive parents as a group are just as diverse as parents as a whole- some are controlling, some aren't, some are great parents and some aren't.

Also, not all adoptive parents are infertile, and even those who are don't always feel like they've lost control. Many adoptive parents have always wanted to adopt whether or not they were able to have biological children.

BTW, my parents were major control freaks when I was growing up, and they were not adoptive parents.

kims

I want to do something about your avatar's hairstyle. That's controlling.
But I *am* fertile, so the controlling thing has nothing to do with my ovaries or uterus.

Mei-Ling

Some can be. But it's really only based on their own insecurities.

But not all adoptive parents are like that, nor does the label "adoptive parent" indicate anything of that sort automatically.

I'd like to think that kids who were adopted as toddlers are far more likely to want to control absolutely everything, considering the basis for their lives is the one crucial point where they lacked any control whatsoever.

brlk925

i am adopted and my adopted parents are not controlling at all they just really care and want the best for me

I Love A Child With Autism!!!

Nope, has nothing to do with my reproductive organs, I have a bio kid so I work just fine. I cannot blame that, but I can say that I am a take charge person...that does not mean I feel the need to control all people and situations...just MY life. If more people were in total control of their own lives, there would be so much less chaos to go around.

It takes a very sad and pathetic person to have to judge people by groups instead of individuals to make themselves feel better. Do you need a hug? I really have a great deal of pity for you because there really must be something lacking in your life. I hope one day you find it. Until then, I can handle the verbal assaults you need to release to get through the day. Be well, or as well as you can get!

Proud

I've never known any adoptive parent to be any more or less controlling than a biological parent. Not in my circle anyway. A parent is a parent. It doesn't matter by what means they became one.

Randy B

I don't think we are controlling at all. We still let you post these questions don't we?

And just what do you mean by "can't control having their own kids"? Do you mean:

a) we can't control having them...as in we have too many and just keep having more?

b) we can't control them in general...as in they get away with anything or they do what they want without restriction?

c) we can't control the fact that we can't have any of our own....which is not the case in many instances since many adoptive parents can and do give birth to their own children AND adopt as well.

Regardless, thanks for the points. At least your senseless questions are good for something. Keep it up and I just may make level 7 by the end of the year yet.

cmc

I think there are all types of adoptive parents - we are just people. Also adoption is a way of having your own kids. I guess what you meant is that we can't get pregnant - but even that isn't universally true. People choose to adopt for many reasons, but once we adopt they are ours.

Jennifer L

No more than I think that some adoptees are the manipulative, cowardly type. Maybe it's because they keep using being adopted as an excuse to be nasty to people.

But I have to hand it to you. At least you haven't blocked me.

The adoptees who start a negative email campaign, then block me so I can't respond... THAT is the new low of cowardly behavior.

Gunna be a bright, bright Sunny day.

Dayle

Not everyone that adopts is, infertile. I had two children and could have had more, but chose to adopt.
I am not sure about the controlling issue, my mom was very controlling and I was not adopted.

Rachel B

how many adoptive parents do you really know?

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

wow..judge much

I'm adopted and my parents aren't any more controlling than any other parent I've seen...or even as i am as a parent.

BOTZ

Generally, yes.

Mine certainly are. My best friend, also-adopted, has two of the most controlling parents I've ever met. They are FAR more controlling than mine, but not abusive...at least not physically.

The couple across the street with an adopted son two years younger than me? Yep! Crazy controlling.

Two of my three aunt/uncle combos? Insane!

Now, on to the third aunt/uncle combo...they are the sweetest, kindest, most genuinely loving people I have ever known. They have 8 children -- one adopted. In my OWN, personal, real-life experience...they are the ONLY adoptive parents I know who are NOT controlling (at all). They're no pushovers...they just do everything they do from a position of love. It's amazing!

Strangely, the mother, my aunt, is the natural sister of my own crazy, controlling, abusive and toxic a-mother. I'll never be able to figure THAT one out.

myst1998

Sadly, many that I have known are, not all though.

My daughter's are... she isn't allowed to think for herself and I hate them for that. Who doesn't let a child think for themselves and be who they are meant to be ?

Possum

Mine were. Especially when it came to information sharing.
It upset THEM too much for me to know my truth - so they forbade me to even talk about it.
PFFFTTTT.

icehockeymom7

I have both biological and adopted children. So I actually can "control having my 'own' kids" (and btw, I never, ever refer to my bio kids as my 'own' kids....my adopted kids are also my 'own' kids) So, I guess that blows your theory in regards to me personally. I actually think the reverse is true. From what I have been reading here, it seems there are alot of adoptees who had so much control taken from their lives at such young ages, they are the ones who are over-controlling. Just my opinion, of course, and it will be thumbed down, but I'm still saying it. ;)

kateiskate

A lot of them are. Mine are. Devon said hers were. And there are a quite a few of them on this site that are. They don't really admit to it (of course) but you can tell by their inability to recognize that adoption is not all about them. In reality adoption is all about the children...aka the adoptees.

Anyone who is not an international adoptee who tries to speak for said international adoptees has got to be either delusional, controlling, or a combination of the two. Why is it that some adoptive parents feel they should control how their adopted kids feel?

There are all different types of controlling individuals. It just happens that a good amount of adoptive parents fall within that category.

School Nurse

Not anymore than parents of biological kids.
How about Adoptees that DEMAND that everyone agree with their opinions. When we don't agree, the name calling and insults fly. More than a little controlling, don't ya think? Not to mention childish.

Yeah, at least you haven't block me. either.

Have a SUNNY day.

Hermione

They are probably not but I can see why they might come across as that . I imagine its a certain personality type that does consider adopting, a lot of people wouldn't dream of it, that might come across as controlling and there are often a lot of tensions between adoptees and their a-parents which might lead to that kind of dynamic. Also adoptees often have various issues with attachment, self-esteem etc that might lead to either controlling behaviour in the a-parents or a projection of that onto them. It impossible to generalise but I can see why you would draw that conclusion. It would be sad to think it was true though for all parties concerned.

Whatever is the truth of it though it isn't about not controlling having their own kids, most of the a-parents I know have their own kids. Its having kids that makes you controlling whether they are yours biologically or not.

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