Do you think it is harder for a first mom who never saw her baby than one who at least got to look ...?

Do you think it is harder for a first mom who never saw her baby than one who at least got to look at him or her?
I know a couple that adopted privately. The first mom picked their names days before delivering and she was in another state. The AP were called while she was in labor they flew out that day and actually made it by the time before the delivery. She did not want them in the delivery room never met them only saw their profile. They were told that she never held her son as soon as she delivered she asked for him to be taken to the nursery. They could not go see him until after she was discharged.
I know all first moms feel sadness but I think hers is going to be so much more profound then the two first moms i know. both of which held looked at their son's etc.
FYI
Mom wanted it completely closed and never wanted to meet the AP
They did meet bio grandma in the waiting room. Bio grand ma gave them a complete family medical history for their side but even though she knows the bio dad she does not know his info
First mom was in her 20's college grad in graduate school who felt she was not ready to parent. Just some background info.
She worked and had her own medical insurance and the only fees they paid was to the agency
Which in my opinion was still so much it was like 15,000

Flying Monkey #073177

I don't think one is harder than the other. I think they are equally nasty. My mom was drugged and totally unconcious when I was born. She wasn't allowed to see or touch me and I was kept in a separate nursery so she couldn't try to sneak a peek. I parented my son for almost two years. Our pain and loss is very similar and I would never try to compete with others in the "I hurt more than you" arena.

SJM

I was BSE. The hospital staff did not allow my mother to see me when I was born. We saw each other for the first time 21 years later. The scars run pretty deep. I've only talked to her about it once, and that was more than two decades ago. She was so visibly shaken by the conversation that I don't want to talk to her about it again. I don't want to see her in that frame of mind. I don't want to think about what she experienced that day, and I don't want her to think about it, either.

Independ"ant"

Too funny... some of the posters that answered are adopters and/or are people that are not capable of even giving birth. Yeah....they know what its like.

Most Aps that get fresh from the womb babies want the kid out of there ASAP to prevent bonding....God forbid a mother changes her mind.

Only a mother that has relinquished can answer this for you and nobody else.

Corn is not dog food! No wheat!

I think adoption is excruciating no matter what happens.

There's no "good" way to give up your baby.

Ainsley

Yes. I do think it would be much harder. I use to work in social services. I know that a mother who is giving her baby up for adoption can benefit from holding the baby. Often, a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety can surface for not acknowledging the life they just brought into the world.

They also say that parents who are given a chance to hold their stillborn child feel a sense of closure and are given a chance to meet the baby and say goodbye. I hate the word closure, but for lack of a better word, that is what it can be described as.

As for the case of open vs closed adoptions, that has to be a mutual agreement between the birth mother and the adoptive parents. It's a complicated issue as is but I do believe a child would be much more structured in life knowing both sets of parents.

I hope this helps a little. Best wishes~~

M J

I think open adoptions are easier on the birth parents and the kids. I have a friend that did an open adoption and she still gets updates on her kid and gets to see her once a month. I think its more like a Aunt-niece or cousin-cousin relationship for them and they are both well adjusted people. The little girl doesn't feel like her momma abandoned her and the momma get to know her baby girl is safe healthy and happy.

I think thats the best way to do it.

Tilden J.

You have to say hello, before you can say goodbye. I firmly believe that.

Serenity71

Sadly this happens more than people would like to admit.... In the cases I know about not even extended family know the child exists, and I'm not talking 40 years ago. I'm talking about today.

I guess its her choice. I do know hospitals encourge a woman who says she wants to place a child for adoption to hold her baby before leaving the hospital. And stay to think about it. Some do, some don't...Its heartbreaking and don't you even think for a minute she loves her child any less because of it.

Independant- How do you know what a persons personal history is to know whether they can empathise with another person or not. Beside nothing in the question indicated she wasn't allowed to hold her baby or meet the parents she chose. Sad that she chose not to.

romeochewy

The answer is as individual as the person themselves.
Mine was private, and I actually brought the baby to the AP's home myself after she was born.
I know people who did not want to see the child at all, and have a completely closed adoption.
There is no right or wrong here--the mother just needs to go with her feelings.

red-haired gypsy

Well for me ,when i held my son and dressed him and tol him good-bye it was like holding my life and having to let go...I was 16,and have been searching since Augustand 3 days ago on myspace a searcher found him.No money was exchanged that i knew of.

naughty girl

When I put my twin girls up for adoption when I was 17, 24 now, I saw one of the girls but didn't see the other one. didn't really want to and it was still difficult.

Gabby_Gabby_Purrsalot

I don't know that I'd want a child that was voluntarily relinquished by someone who could've raised him or her. I'm not sure I could explain "well they just didn't want you" or "you were an inconvenience, so they gave you away." Nor would I want to tell my child that I spent thousands of dollars to adopt him/her.

â™¥ Hunter's Mommy â™¥ is TTC

OMG to think that someone would actually pull out the balls and decide to give up their child isnt alright. IT breaks my heart to know people give birth to babies and never ever give that child a chance to meet them. They are bringing them into a cold world. I understand that adoption is a great thing for those children who dont end up being abused or live a life in extreem poverty. It just makes me sad as a mother to see my son love me SO MUCH and to see the expression on his face that mommy and daddy are everything and knowing some child got skipped otu on that. I dont doubt The mother would have phycological problems for carring soemthing for 10 months and then never seeing it. You bond with your child from conception. I know I did. It had to of hurt her deeply and she prob. Thnks about it often. Life goes on and people forgive eachother and themselfs.

Cadillacman

maybe. maybe not.

Singinganddancing

I think it's highly individual. I'm glad the bio mom was an adult woman who had made her own decision about it.

Birthers are NOT mothers

Who cares? Abandoners have given up their soul so why should we care how they feel? They are inhumane, even animals tend to their own young!!!

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