Do you think it is painful or hurtful?

To your birth mother to contact her when you know it wasn't her choice to give you up? This is one of the reasons I have never searched for my mother. I know the pain she went through when the courts took me and my brothers from her. My grandma and grandpa said that shortly afterwards she left and they haven't had contact with her since. She has to my knowledge never tried to find any of us kids either. And she knew grams knew where we were. I know my father did but I never wanted contact with him because of the type of person he was. Do you think it is fair to contact them and bring up such painful memories? Mothers if this happened to you and you were contacted what were your thoughts and feelings? This is a very serious matter to me, something I have always thought about.
Additional Details
My grandparents were my fathers parents and they are both gone. She use to take us there so they could see us and grams said about 2 months after it happened she left and never contacted anyone again. My Aunt was her best friend and she never contacted her either. My mom said she heard she had remarried and moved to Indianoplis and had had a set of twins. She also got my youngest brother back.

Andraya

As someone who lives in your fmoms shoes I can honestly say that yes it would be painful, painful but worth it. Pain comes in many forms and most often the road to healing and fulfillment also has some painful bumps.

Sounds to me like she couldn't handle the pain of loosing you and your brothers so she ran. I ran too. Someday we all have to stop running and make peace with our past, maybe she needs to see you for the wonderful woman you have become before she can stop seeing you as the little girl she left behind. Ok so now I am sitting at work bawling like a child... TG for corner offices where nobody can see you.

I also think it is very fair for you to contact them. like it or not your situation is due to bad choices made by adults and it is time for those adults to step up and give you what you want and need, your own history.

LaurieDB

The thing is that you cannot know how she will feel. The only way you'll ever know is by hearing her say how she feels. I realize this doesn't fix the dilemma. But, imagine if she's just been waiting and hoping like so many other first mothers, believing that she has no right to search?

My first father was a mess after relinquishment. The whole family said that he carried the pain and guilt for years. He wanted so much to reunite. Of course, I had no way of knowing if he wanted it or not. The only way I could know was to ask him.

He cried a lot when we reunited, but the tears quickly turned to smiles -- and lots of them. After we reunited, everyone noted the change in him. They've all stated numerous times how much happier and at peace R is since Laurie is in his life. We now enjoy a fine relationship and have for the past 7 years.

What I'm trying to say is that you don't know how she'll feel, but you may want to at least consider giving her the opportunity to let you know.

ETA:
Andraya posted while I was posting. She made me all emotional, too.

Emily

She probably is just ashamed and sad. But I would never think it would hurt her for you to call her. She loves you, and she would love for you to call her.

princessgenevieve0511

She will always be your mother, No matter what happened. And the love you have for your children are unforgettable.. It might be hard at first and she probably blamed herself, but if she sees that you grew up fine and your healthy then it might put her at ease, she probably so depressed because she had no idea how you where.. I would contact her.. Maybe there is a reason she has not tried to contact you, might as well try and see if its worth it and get some closure good or bad.. At least you will know..

JennaBear

contacting her might not take away the pain of losing you for x amount of years, but it will prevent the further pain of losing you for the rest of her/your life. and my belief is that it's necessary to embrace the painful parts of our life and transform them into something wonderful.

*East Coast Mama*

All I can tell you is my mother in law's experience. She got pregnant when she was 16...and this was 50 years ago..but her parents completely freaked out and basically forced her to give it up for adoption because for 1, she was only 16, and for two, the father was black. I know she thinks about that little girl every single day. But I also know that it'd be more painful for her to meet her as a grown women. She already feels guilty and terrible about the whole situation and has so much regret. She said she'd feel like she missed out on a lifetime and she'd have too much shame to meet her. But everyone is different. I can't offer you any real advice or tell you what you should do, I can only share my mother in law's story. I think you should just do whatever you feel is right.

Darlene

She may feel ashamed that you guys had gotten taken away from her and that is why she hasn't contacted anyone. Its hard to say. The only person that would know how she feels is her. You cold always try to contact her and if she doesn't respond, you know she just wants to be left alone.

daisy-jane

just call her. she is probably waiting for you.

dontknow86

Trust me she thinks about you all everyday !

Heather B

No. I think it would have been more painful, hurtful and very unfair NOT to let the woman who gave me life know what became of her precious baby.

Dan B.

she probably was in a bad way but would love to know you.

Nurse JC

She might not have not contacted you before she thinks that you might not want to talk to her. I can't believe that she hasn't had any contact with her parents either.

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