Do you think its fair?

Possum

My a-parents had 2 bio kids - then adopted me 14 yrs later.
None of them treated me differently - and we are stilll very close to this day.
I did though have many insecure feelings when growing up - simply because I didn't know the 'why's' behind my adoption - and being given away by your mother (if you don't know the full reasons) can be a bit of a head-spin & a heart-ache - and I had very low opinions of my self worth. I therefore just figured that my a-parents loved their own children more.
I think this also came from the fact that I was biologically different from their own children - they knew instinctively how to handle their bio kids - I was completely different in so many ways - so it proved to sometimes be a challenge for them - and a challenge for me.
Sadly - when I was adopted - adoptive parents just didn't have the info they do today - and they were ill prepared - and ill informed. There was no internet to find answers to questions etc.
For adoptees today - the best you can be - is be totally open and honest - no lies and secrets - let them know the why's and who's - and try to have some contact with the bio family from day 1 - all this really helps with the adoptee's sense of self worth and self concept.
As a parent - you must try your hardest to never show favour - one way or the other - you lay down the law - that everyone is equal - everyone has the same rights etc.
Do not bring stories of being 'special' & 'chosen' into the adoptees story-line - as this could also bring animosity into sibling relationships. The adoptees just come to the family by a different means - and that's it. No need for fairy dust!!!
Love all your children for their individuality - and allow them to grow into who they are - not who you want them to be.
I do hope that you'll look into adopting from Foster care - as there are thousands of children waiting for loving homes - and many have already had parental rights relinquished.
My view - have bio children first - then adopt later. Others may dissagree - but I think an adoptee can feel very put out if they were in an adoptive family - and then the a-parents had bio kids. Not good for the head-space really.
Whereas - when an adoptee comes to a family that already has kids - the parents already have parenting skills under their belts!!
Just my 2 cents worth.

Romany

I'm the oldest and the only adopted one. Of course, I didn't know I was adopted until much later (age 31). I didn't feel that I was treated differently because of it. I did better in school than my siblings - but now we all know that's genetics. My baby brother was, and still is, "the prince". It was my sister, the middle child, who felt left out and thought I got all the attention until my brother came along.

Lillie

My aparents adopted my oldest brother, then had one son naturally, then adopted me.

I never felt left out; in fact I was probably spoiled, being the youngest and the only girl ;) My brothers did beat me up a lot, but that's more must normal big brother stuff and not in any way related to my adoptee status. I was just an easy target.

I think it really does just make a difference in how you parent...don't differentiate in how you treat them, give them equal love and attention, (but be aware that the adopted kids might have different emotional needs from their adoption...so you might have a careful balancing act to follow!)

Heather B

Whether they are 'left out' would depend on how they are treated by the parent

I was adopted and raised with my parents two natural born boys. I was treated the same and loved equally.

Always felt different though - because I was of a different gene pool, so that's only natural

Freckle Face

I can't say if its fair or not. I have both. I think it is important if you are to adopt to adopt two children.(possibly siblings) It was a big deal to my oldest daughter who was adopted into our family. She was adopted into a white family and wanted someone who "looked" like her, meaning brown skin.

I can say it doesn't help that 2 birth children are spitting images of me and 1 is the spitting image of my husband. There is no in between. People comment on it constantly and our oldest did feel left out.

Now people say to the oldest, "oh, and your baby sister looks just like you". Grins ear to ear. (oddly the do look alike!)

*Charli* Mamma Di Gemini's

I lived in foster care from the age of 4 to 18. My last family had 5 children of their own, who are like my own blood. I love them so much, more than I do my own biological half brothers.
I have never felt left out by their parents. Some parents just have enough love to go round

Peaness

This is a tough question for me. I think it's dependant on the afamily & if they have the ability to love more than just their biological children. It's not to say that the love wouldn't be different as it is with each child, even if they're all biological but if they could provide the love to raise a child well.

My aparents don't know the love from having a child of your own as they adopted all three of us. However, now that I've had a daughter of my own I really believe that they have never felt the kind of love I have for my own...

So do I think it's fair...it can be. Do I think it always is, not at all.

Jennifer L

I have a biological teenage son and later adopted two children (bio-siblings). It was an adjustment for everyone, to put it simply. My bio son went from Spoiled Only Child to instant Big Brother. My daughter went from the Eldest to the Middle Child. My younger son (who probably had the least adjustment issues) went from having no male role models to having an older brother and a father, so he was delighted!

My husband and I have worked hard to keep things fair in our house, though we certainly don't have the disposable income that we used to. All three children do sports and other activities. If we go shopping, we don't buy something for one and not the other two, etc. Priviliges and responsibilities in the house are based upon age and individual readiness. My younger two children came from a foreign country, so they are still learning things like using the telephone, how to microwave popcorn, etc. So even though my oldest was able to do some things independently at a younger age, I hold off on letting the younger two do those things until I am sure they can do them safely.

We have never gotten statements or the impression from our children that we are favoring one over the others due to how they joined our family. Generally, complaints of fairness is due to who gets to do what, which is more often than not decided by age.

My daughter doesn't get a cellphone until she is the same age her brother was when he got his. That issued a chorus of "Not fair!" until she realized that she would get a cellphone before her younger brother does.

Normal sibling stuff, really. I'm sure there are adoptive parents that favor bio-children over adopted children, but we aren't one. And I think that most adoptive parents feel the same way.

sparki777

My husband and both his siblings were adopted. But his brother happens to look like their dad and his sister happens to look like their mom. So everybody used to say, "So this one is adopted and the other two are your real children?

My husband eventually got mad and started saying, "I'm a real child, too -- I'm not a figment of your imagination."

I think it's actually the other people around the family -- friends and extended family -- that can make adoptees feel different. I mean, there ARE differences, and it's better to own up to what those differences are. But there ought not be difference in the love, support, guidance and all that other stuff that parents give to their kids.

spud

the only thing thats fair is in giving a child a home love honesty security and confidence it would not matter if you had a child of your own concieved naturally so long as you give all the same love no differences what so ever.. good luck

Maria M

they wont feel left out if you treat them the same i was adopted and they had 3 boys and they didnt have a girl so they adopted me and i didnt felt left out i mean the life we adopted kids have spent makes even a little bit ofhappiness seem like heaven i mean i felt so much better and also they treated me like there owm i felt like part a familey

anyway gud luck n hope i helped

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