Do you think its normal that I am jealous of sisters relationship with bio family?

My sister and I are both adopted. She is in reunion with her biological family, her mother,father and siblings and they are all close and have get together more often then she does with our mom and dad. I tagged along with her to her bio nieces birthday party and felt so jealous watching them all interact, they were all so nice to me to so I feel bad for getting so jealous. She just seems so at home with all of them and she was never like that with our family growing up. I know it hurts my mom and dad that she doesnt spend hardly any time with them but spends so much time with her natural family. I just feel like I want to know my biological family but at the same time I know the hurt it caused my parents when she found her natural family and I dont want to cause them any more hurt. My mom is happy that my sister is "fianlly" happy (her words not mine) but she seems kind of bitter about it to. Do you think its wrong of me to feel jealous, because I hate that I am jealous of her.

SLY

I think that, as Linny said, there is nothing normal about adoption, and there is no wrong or right about feelings. You feel what you feel. I think that being a little jealous of something that someone else has that you don't and you wish you did is ENTIRELY normal! That doesn't mean that you don't wish all the best for your sister, or that you would deny her the pleasure she gets from her reunion. Simply that you wish YOU had that, too.

Now, about your aparents....neither your sister nor you are responsible for their feelings. They own theirs just as you own yours. Don't take on responsiblity for your parent's feelings.

I cannot understand people who are so threatened by the reunions of the children that they raised. No matter what, the mothers cannot regain their babies. We can become part of their lives, but we cannot ever go back to the first step, the first tooth, the first date, the first report card, etc. WE can never recapture those moments, and knowing us takes nothing away from them. We simply add to their children's lives, taking nothing away.

At the risk of sounding as if I am blaming the adopter, please consider that by allowing your aparents to determine your reunion, you are allowing their insecurities to rule your life, and is that really fair to you, to them or to your natural mother and family? What kind of behavior is that modeling for the children you will have? Insecurity is not the kind of model that we wish future generations will follow.

The only way to overcome these insecurities is to go ahead with your reunion, and let them see that no matter what you will still love them, they will still be your parents, the memories and experiences you share with them will always be special to you and will always be between you, and that love and affection you feel for your natural mother, different but no less legitimate, is totally outside your relationship with them. It is just between you and your mother and has nothing whatsoever to do with them and it won't change your feelings about them in any way.

LinnyG

I dont think there is anything "normal" when it comes to adoption. I dont think it is right or wrong, it just "is".

I do think it is sad that you are putting your adoptive parents' insecurities before your desire to know and love your first family. Your want to know your first family has nothing to do with the love you have for your adoptive family.

Maybe explain it to your parents like this: They have more than one child and have no problems loving them both, why is it painful to them that their kids love more than one set of parents?

It makes me so sad for ap's like this. They missed the boat when it comes to unconditional love.

Ktwman

I think that its natural to want to know and feel like you belong with your BF. I have a stepson who is adopted. Its an open adoption so we get to see him a lot. With his AF he seems so out of control. But when he stays with us, he's so calm and sweet. He adores his sister but shares the traditional let me beat on her kid of attitude. He seems to just want nothing to do with his adoptive brother. Our son is also only 5. We have been in his life for the past 2 years. He doesnt yet "know" he's adopted but something in my gut says he can sense the difference. Some people go their whole life and never feel the need to meet their BF while others feel empty and incomplete without that connection no matter how much they love their AF.

Explain to your parents how grateful you are of them and that your search and need for your BF has nothing to do with their inadequacies. You love them but you have a need to know and a right. Adoptive parents know this is a risk when adopting. Even the best AF cant change that need to know for some kids.

Your feelings are yours and you have a right to them. Being jealous fo someone for having something that you wish you had is okay. Sounds like her reunion work out for her and that's great. But remember that it doesn't work for everyone. And that bio children sometimes don't feel close to their parents that they may be raise with but yet have a close relationship with an aunt or uncle or maybe someone from their church. Keep things in prospective

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