Do you think people who grew up in abusive or neglectful homes can relate?

Gaia Raain

I don't know. There are some things that I understand more easily than others. And there are times when something just hits me in the face, and I can't believe I didn't get it before. Something occurred to me today and I emailed a close adoptee friend of mine to ask her if what I said made any sense...and she said it was spot on. But then there are other times I'll email her for clarification, and she'll say that I'm way off, or she'll point out that this is such a non-adoptee way to see things.

I think that anyone who has been hurt and has empathy can identify with anyone else who has been hurt, if they choose to, and if they are open minded enough and willing to see the others' point of view. Unfortunately, those same people are also more likely (at least in my experience) to shut out anything that is frightening to them. This is partly why I was so resistant to what I was hearing at first. As a kid, I WISHED that I was adopted - just so that I could say that I wasn't related to these horrid people who hurt me so much. So, when I first heard adoptees complaining, it sounded like they were just being ungrateful...after all, they didn't have to grow up with my abusive parents! I'd have given ANYTHING to be in their shoes. But then I realized that not all adoptees are removed from their homes due to abuse...and in fact, the ones who are aren't even getting adopted (too old, too damaged, too black or mexican or whatever...in other words, not good enough for the entitled PAP who wants to take home a baby to raise).

Wow...that was a lightbulb moment. The first of many. To realize that not all adoptees have it good...to realize that they are not all the "me" I wish I could have been when I was a kid - in a happy home with people who wanted me...to realize that sometimes that happy home where people want you can be abusive or the people still don't want YOU because all they really wanted was their OWN baby, and settled for you instead...to realize that maybe I wouldn't have been in a better place if I had been adopted...to realize that an adoptee's feelings, regardless of what they are, are valid, and that they have the right to speak without being corrected (just like me when I need to discuss how I feel about MY childhood...in other words, if I expect people to listen to me just out of respect for the fact that I'm human and I have a right to speak...why shouldn't adoptees be afforded that SAME respect? They don't need to be told they should be grateful for (fill in the blank) because guess what...you could say the same exact thing to me about a million situations in my life, but that kind of language is usually reserved JUST for adoptees. That kind of dismissive attitude is thrown at adoptees more than any other group of people I've ever seen. I was told as a kid that I should be glad my mother didn't kill me. But guess what...she TRIED to kill me. So, should I still be grateful? And what about an adoptee who is told they should be grateful they weren't aborted. If their mother never considered abortion, should they still be grateful? We could all quit dismissing people automatically because their pain is too much for us to bear...that would be nice. I know it sure is nice when people become aware of how much my past hurt me, and stop dismissing MY pain.

Freckle Face

Hi Lara,

I have often wondered that myself. I would say yes, we may have more insight than others.

~The loss of my mother is overwhelming at times.
~I do feel abandoned at times....my mother chose my child molesting, alcoholic father over me (and her granddaughters).
~No one wants to hear about the abuse.
~People try to make me feel shame for what my father did to me.
~People use my pain against me and make me feel like less of a person.
~I have not only lost my mother, it has divided my whole family. I have lost cousins, aunts, uncles, a brother and sister. The rift will be there for generations to come.
~People still try to force me to keep their damn secrets!
~The shame of abuse is often thrown back on me, which i don't get and won't accept. I was a child, i did nothing wrong but be born into my screwed up family.

I in no way assume that i will ever fully understand the depth of what it means to be an adoptee. For those that feel pain and loss, i get that, and there does seem to be a connection, imho.

Looney Tunes

Hm.

Yes and No.
No, in the sense that adoptees could not relate to the level of fear that a child feels in an abusive home. Never knowing what is going to happen, waiting for the shoe to drop, etc. That feeling of fear is so overwhelming. And if the abuse was disguised by "love," feelings of confusion are so powerful. Why if you love me are you hurting the hell out of me. That I think is unique to abused children.

Yes in the sense of being able to relate to a feeling of sadness for not having the "perfect" family. And also, for being able to understand the feeling of loss. I feel the loss for my bio-mother so much even though she was cruel and uncaring...similar to many adoptees longing for their birthmothers. I think all children that lose a connection with their mom, feel that loss. It is natural and no matter how terrible the relationship was or if the relationship was replaced, their is natural connection. (I don't necessarily mean love, but connection)

Santa's Lil' Helper

I am not adopted but I was abused by my two drug addict parents.
This is something I have been wondering about.

I feel a certain loss for the family I SHOULD have had.
I feel shame, humiliation and responsibility for their actions.
I feel silenced for not being to discuss "our secret".

Possum

I think so.
No child wants to be rejected by their mother.
No child.

It hurts no matter which way you slice it.

Proud

It depends on what you are referring to exactly. I grew up in an abusive home and I have no idea how that could translate into me relating to the "loss" an adoptee feels.

If you are an adoptee, then tell me how you feel about your "loss" and I, as an abused child, will tell you if I can relate. :)

To be honest with you, I WISH I had been taken from my home and put with a family that could have provided me a home without the anger and abuse. My father was able to slip through the cracks of the system though. We lived in a house where we were beat for any reason that he saw fit (the worst was when I was choked, slapped, punched and dragged by my hair just because I made a snack without his permission). So I find it hard to relate to someone who never had to go through any of that. I find it hard to be sympathetic to someone who was given to a loving and caring home at birth and never had to go through some of the things I went through. Just as I'm sure they don't think I can ever understand what it feels like to not know where I came from or feel like I was unwanted (although I do feel like I was unwanted). I think its impossible to ever really relate to each other in regards to something that deep.

sunny

I do, Lara.

Early childhood pain tends to make people very empathetic.

Rowan

I'm adopted and theres no way i can relate to the things an abuseed child goes through. two totally different situations, in my opinion.
i've went to school with children who were, and trust me, its far worse then being adopted, no matter who you are.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

i just had this same discussion with another person here.

i think adoption in itself is a form of abuse. so i think adoptees can relate.

however, i don't know for sure that abuse victims feel the same loss that comes from being taken from your mother and having to wait years trying to find her again.

Randy B

I did not grow up in an abusive home although I may have if I wasn't adopted. I don't know. As to any feelings of loss, I didn't really have any to speak of due to my adoption so I'm interested in seeing views from both sides on this one.

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