Do you think that APs should meet with Abusive First Parents?

Sofiakat

I did get to meet my children's mom. It was a pretty intense experience. What I saw in her was not an abuser, but a scared girl, brought up in the foster care system herself, rejected and never adopted. I saw a woman who desperately wanted to parent her children, but knew she couldn't because of her addiction and because of their father. When I looked into her eyes I saw the reflection of pain I see in our son. I asked her if I could give her a hug. She said yes. She held on, tightly. Part of me wanted to take her home with me.
Today, I still sometimes search her out on the internet. That is how I discovered she had a child last year that died and how I found out she went to jail for a while too. I can not personally understand how she could have done and allowed the things to happen to the kids that happened. But I was never in her position. I never grew up lost and alone. I wish I could speak to her today, to tell her that that her kids are healing, and that we are all waiting for the day they turn 18. I wish I could give her hope to get clean and kick her addiction. I wish I could wave the proverbial magic wand and make it all better for all of them.

Emily Dew

No. If I were the adoptive mother, I would not give an abusive birthmother a second shot at hurting my child, either physically or emotionally. Weigh your curiousity against your child's best interest. There is no contest.

Randy B

This may seem cold but they had their chance to do right the first time and I wouldn't give them a second chance to hurt my child. The birth parents of my youngest never had a chance to parent her. We picked her up from the hospital and brought her home after she was apprehended. Thats not to say that they may not have done harm prior to that. Alcohol and drugs were big factors in why she was apprehended and placed for adoption. To be fair, the father did attend every visit prior to his being returned to jail so I would be more open to meeting with him (I may meet him professionally the way things are going for him. lol) but I'd be very leary of meeting with the mother. If my daughter chooses to when she is old enough then more power to her but that can be her choice.

Jennifer L

Honestly, I don't know if I could, or at least not until I have gone through the reaction and processed the anger. If you would be meeting her in order to try to prove to yourself that she is some horrible monster, that's not going to be productive at all. If you're able to meet her with reasonable expectations and have your own emotions in check, maybe.

Of course, all this is moot if you have even the slightest reason to suspect that you or your children would be in danger from this individual. That's the first priority.

And since she's ordered no contact with your son, obviously doing a reunion isn't possible (or a good idea, by the sounds of things).

Heather B

I guess you guys don't have family centers there. There are places where you can meet on neutral ground in a staffed and secure environment.

Serenity71

It would be hard for you do it knowing what she did to him. I would find it hard to look into the face of someone who abused my child and not glare and wan justice. (An abuser should pay some price, not just get a slap on wrist and told not to do it again. It happens to much.)

Put your child's safety first, and your own. If you don't feel you can do it at this point and not say something you will regret to her face then wait a while longer.

One day your son may want to meet her anyway, and he'll need you're love and strength and support then, but I'm sure you'll be there all the way for your son. Let him decide if he wants a relationship with her when he's old enough to emotional handle it more.

All the best Kazi, Good luck!

vmarie84

They probably shouldn't have a relationship with them, but I think meeting them once or speaking to them at least once will give the adoptee a lot of closure.

Also, don't force your child to meet with them for your curiosity. It has to be his or her choice.

Gaia Raain

I'd have a tough time not being curious. I think I'd want to see if I could find some good in her, too. Usually, if I am able to actually meet a person who I think is a horrid SOB, I end up walking away with a new understanding and compassion at the very least, even if I still can't stand them. It's easy to read about a person, or listen to others talk about them, and think, "my god, she's got no soul". It's much harder to think that when you're looking the person in the eye and seeing the obvious pain that causes the horrid behavior. I've never met anyone and walked away from it thinking, "oh, that behavior is ok then"...but I usually walk away thinking, "I get it now. Still not ok, but at least I know where it comes from."

Rowan

No, if i ever adopt a child, and the first mother is abusive, no way am i letting her near my child.
I would definetly say your childs healthy attitude is probably due to his good care after leaving his mother.

sizesmith

I would pray that she gets the help she needs to recover from what was probably an abusive life that she had. Most women who abuse their children, and even those that are so scared to do anything when their spouses abuse the children, suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder from former abusive relationships, either from their own parents, siblings, spouses, boyfriends, etc.

Most of the time, they have very little self esteem, have few resources, and many times, have been exposed to drug and alcohol use, even if they don't use.

I have wanted a relationship more with our son's first mom. He was born meth addicted (use the day he was born-very little before that she says), and premature. Overall she is a good person, except for the drug use, and loved him enough to make sure he didn't stay in that situation. We'd met her several times before, and after our son was born she got pregnant again, and with the emotional help we tried to give her, and the access to resources, she got the courage to leave the 1st dad, go on her own, and keep the 2nd child. Of course this type of abuse is different in many ways, especially since he never suffered at her fist.

In the listed cases, I'd meet them, if they had gotten the proper help they needed, were stable working at a job, even if it's cleaning toilets at McDonalds, if they were drug and alcohol free, and if their present partner were also working, d/a free, and non abusive.

Sonshine

This is a very interesting question. I am the bio parent of a teenaged daughter whom I haven't seen in 15 years. I was told the adoption was going to be open and it closed after 1 year. I was devastated to say the least.

The pain in relinquishing a child for many women is traumatic. It is very difficult to forget the child to whom you have carried for 9 months. Unless a women is an addict or heartless - releasing a child is very painful. I know by experience. It has taught me never to do it again.

Perhaps the bio mother of your son is quite troubled. She probably has so much pain and feels totally powerless to be with her child. If she gets proper counselling and is no threat to him or you - it might be a good idea to meet. Many children have come from abusive homes and have forgiven their parents because of addiction or illness.

ahlee123@verizon.net

It definitely depends on the situation. There's always those movie moments when a child meets his/her birth parents, but in the case of abusive...yeah. In the case of threats, violence, etc., try to reach some kind of peace at least before you take any other steps with the birth parents

Independ"ant"

She can't be all bad considering she carried him for months, gave birth and he's perfectly healthy, right?. Where's the credit for that.

Without that horrible mother you wouldn't have a gorgeous charming toddler..it her genes, remember. He gets it from his natural parents not foster parents.

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