Do you think that of all adoptees, society expects the highest level of gratitude to come from children...?

who were adopted from foster care?

I am aware that many adoptees, whether they be domestic, foster care or international feel that they are expected to be grateful simply for being adopted into a family. But I am just thinking about adult adoptees I know in real life. The 2 infant domestic adoptees had both admitted they got the better adopted than aborted speech, but they also admitted that they have received genuine empathy from people too. The 1 adult international adoptee I know IRL remembers being told that she was lucky to be living in Canada, but that was when she was a child.

When it comes to my daughter (China), people have said that she is so lucky to be with us and out of an orphanage, but this is few and far between.

Now, my son, is something completely different. He was adopted through CAS and we are told on an almost daily basis how lucky he is to have been "saved"; how horrible his life would have been; the kind of adult he would have become without us (meaning gang banger or all-around criminal) and my personal favourites: "Kids like him are lucky to have people take them on". And: "Well, Kazi, better you than me." And "Remember you get what you pay for."

Kids like him? Foster kids, which of course to many means defective.

I am no longer polite or diplomatic when these things are said to me. But my son is 2 and they say these things to me and my husband. I wonder how long it will be until they say them to him.

I guess my Q is does the negative connotation attached to foster care mean that society thinks they owe the greatest debt of gratitide?

cantstopLinnyG

You go, Kazi. You are correct, it is only a matter of time before they say it to him. Seeing you and your husband's reactions will definitely show him the way. Its such bs that people say this, but in their defense, it's been drummed in their heads forever. Unfortunately, it's up to us to make it stop.

I do know that many IA's have the added, "Well, just be glad you're an American now", or "You're so lucky you now live in a free country". It's just ridiculous.

I think society has different levels of gratitude expected from every group in society, and it's uncalled for, and unfair. I do think that foster kids get the worst of it, though....and it breaks my heart as well.

Laurel J

Yes, I think it does. And I can't believe people actually talk to you that way. You have no obligation to be diplomatic in the face of such thoughtless, rude behavior.

Adoptees were thought for a long time to be "blank slates" that a'parents could draw personalities and values on. (At least that was the story; as a kid I still heard stuff I wasn't supposed to hear about "bad blood.")

But foster kids? Tainted for life. I guess we assume they somehow "inherit" whatever it is that made their parents have to give them up.

Jennifer L

I get a lot of those same comments (thankfully out of the earshot of my children), too. In our case, I think it's because we adopted older children from overseas and all anyone ever hears about are the cases of major emotional issues, mental health issues, etc.

I've gotten the "better you than me" statements also.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Have you had any... you know... *problems*." And "My cousin's friend's hairdresser adopted from overseas and these kids killed the dog and burned down the house."

Maybe you could group children adopted older than the infant/toddler age right along with kids that were in foster care.

Yes, we've also had the "lucky to be here" statements as well.

Mom2-3boys

My only answer is that those people sound like idiots. You should "politely" explain to them that people are who they are no matter where they come from or how they were adopted. "For instance some people are ignorant and have no manners and make rude comments about other people that hurt their feelings." I bet that would shut them up. It doesn't matter how they feel about your family. It matters how your family feels about itself and how your child feels about himself. Don't let them hurt his little feelings. Show him how to stand up to those "bullies"!

Don't Trickle on Me

This seems like a weird attitude to me. Every family has its quirks, when a child is adopted they are going to have conflicts with the parents, just like any other child. It seems weird that a parent would be expecting their child to be down on their knees thanking them 24/7 for just "taking them in."
I've never known anyone with this kind of attitude, either people who adopt, people who were adopted, or people making comments about adoption.
A family is a family.

Casey Renea

I don't think that people are asking these things to be rude. However they probably just don't understand everything about it. It is a great thing when children are adopted but not because you "save" them from being horrible human beings but because you are able to show them love. Every child needs that and there are a select few that never get that or know what its like. So yes your children are lucky or maybe LOVED in that aspect but guess what so are mine and they are not adopted. People only know what they see on T.V. and that is the case in some situations but not all and they are missing that part. I can completely understand when you get defensive about someone saying some of those things if I were in your shoes I would be too but remember people just don't understand and may need to be corrected every once in a great while.

cla ro

no one needs to be grateful for being loved.

i have a bio child who i love dearly, but i do, and have always planned, to adopt (a medical problem had meant that i would not be able to have children - bio daughter was somewhat of a miricale)

to love someone is the best feeling in the world, and to have that child love you back is overwhelming.

i personally don't think that a foster child or an adopted child owes anything at all to anyone. they did not ask to be in that situation, they were wanted very desperately by the people who care about them now, if anything their new parents owe them for giving them a chance to be thier parents.

but that's a personal view, and i have met people who do think that adopted children should be grateful, most of these people do not have children in thier lives, which probably explains alot.

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