Do you think this website is insulting to adoptive parents, potential adoptive parents and adoptees?

sunny

No. I find it refreshing actually. But after being fed adoption pablum for over 20 years, I like me some unvarnished reality.

You sure are protesting an awful lot for a gal who has her mind made up. You seem too strong willed to allow your kid to be raised by strangers.

Oh, has anyone told you what a load of crap "open" adoption is? It's not enforced, so it's likely that you'll not see your child again until s/he is an adult, if ever.

And you're just the sort of spirited woman that most adopters would love to remove from your child's life--too passionate and threatening for all the pretending involved in adoption.

Justice

Well I assume the reason you were checking it out is because... "I'm pregnant, broke and in college and I know I cannot raise a child, "

As someone in a similar situation 35 years ago, I know about hard. Giving up my baby was the hardest thing I've ever done. School is not nearly that hard. You're lucky to have more information from women that have lived through relinquishment, and information about the repercussions on the babies that grew up in adoptive families.

There are a lot worse things in life than feeling insulted. Babies are a hot commodity. At least wait until you actually are a mother to choose to terminate your parental rights. You can't understand it until you live it. Keep learning

aloha.girl59

I'm an AP and I think this site is fantastic! Thanks for pointing it out to me.

I adopted my child from foster care. He truly NEEDED a family and a home. The vast majority of infants who are adopted through agencies don't. Their mothers are often young, scared, and don't have much money so they think they have no other option. Agencies prey on these women like frogs on flies.

If your choice is to relinquish your child and wonder forever what s/he looks like, if s/he is happy, what s/he chooses for a career, etc., then that's your business. I feel badly for you because you have no idea what you're missing out on and I feel badly for your child because s/he will always wonder why s/he wasn't "good enough" for you to parent yourself. So you're in college and it's tough. No kidding! So is parenting. But your situation is temporary. Someday you will graduate. You won't be as young or as broke and you'll wish you'd done the "hard" thing and kept your child. By then it will be too late.

Good luck to you.

SJM

As an adoptee, I thought the website was wonderful. I did find the contents of one of the pro-adoption websites that it linked (not linked in a favorable manner) to be extremely insulting, however:

http://www.adoptionattorneys.org./information/children_rights.htm

"The American Academy of Adoption Attorneys believes that children should be recognized as individuals possessed of their own interests and rights, including the right to be part of a stable and permanent family, and the right to remain part of that family once it is established with an expectation that the status will be permanent. Indeed, the Academy believes that these rights are constitutionally founded and are at the core of all liberties...."

It then explains how blood means nothing.

Not only as an adoptee, but also as the blood descendant of Patriots, as well as the mother and daughter of service members, I'm insulted that a band of lawyers would dishonor the Constitution by mocking it with their Hegelian fantasies.

Carol c

I don't find it insulting. Anyway, it's for women who are trying to make a decision as to whether to give up their babies - not necessarily women who have already made the choice. And it's certainly not to be considered a resource of information for adoptive parents, PAPs and adoptees who you claim should be insulted by this website.

I'm a first mother. I'm not insulted that there are websites and groups just for adopted people. Nor is it my business if PAPs have their own websites giving instructions as to how to more easily find children to adopt. I just don't read there because it's none of my business and painful.

If you want to give up your kid - give it up.! We've got to be adult enough to accept that when we ask people about their experience or ask for advice - we're going to get answers we don't always like. It's just plain silly to then lambast them for having a different point of view.

Until you've actually given up your child, you don't really know if all of us mothers who share our experience are correct, do you?

MamaKate

Dear Jen,

No one is going to disagree that children who are removed from abusive or neglectful parents who can't put their child first should not be adopted. Most of us would consider these "necessary adoptions".

The website you are referring to is meant for women who are considering adoption because they feel or have been told that adoption is "better" than parenting. It is there to show the issues that can arise and give support to women who WANT to keep their children but do not know how they will manage. I dopn't understand what is so insulting about family preservation in situations where adoption is not necessary?

The people who run that site are well educated about the issues that adoption can bring to mothers and adoptees. It points out the coercion that is often used to get women to relinquish WANTED children and tries to EDUCATE people about the issues in US infant adoptions and the alternatives that are out there.

I can only imagine that people who are offended by this site are very "pro-adoption" and would PREFER that women be pressured to relinquish rather than encourage them to parent their WANTED child.

Certainly there are good APs and PAPs out there but there are also MANY ethical issues in infant adoption that women need to be aware of before making this choice.

You seem to be so sure that you know what you are doing and yet you choose to be offended by the advice of people who have LIVED it. How can you be so sure it will be different for you?

Most of us who HAVE experienced adoption are just trying to look out for others. Most of us AGREE as to what the issues are. Why does that offend you?

Here is a list of blogs by other first mothers:
http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2004/03/more-blogs-from-other-mothers-like-me.html

Check them out. Maybe you are different and maybe you will end up just like us. How big of a chance are you willing to take with yourself and your child? Adoption IS a risk. There are NO guarantees.

http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2004/03/more-blogs-from-other-mothers-like-me.html

ETA: "I'm pregnant, broke and in college and I know I cannot raise a child, yet people here are telling me to go on all sorts of welfare and government programs to raise the child. Like it will be that easy. School is already hard enough!"

Being a parent is NOT easy but young people do it all the time. It depends on how much YOU are willing to do to keep your child.

kitta

Adoption itself is a government social program, with all sorts of subsidies, tax credits, and legislation behind it, to bring about "forever families." Taxpayers are paying for the grants, subsidies, entitlements, that agencies get from the government to operate these non-profits. Public agencies are run directly by the government. Quad-A attorneys make a tidy living from adoption.

Many of these families end up in divorce court or in the therapist's office. They are no better than anyone else.That is not being hateful. It is just being realistic.

Adoption has a long history in the USA, long enough to show that there are many problems associated with placing children in non-relative families.
Biological families have always existed..that is where life comes from, here on planet earth. There are no guarantees in a biological family, either, but if a mother wants to raise her own child, she shouldn't be convinced that 2 un-related people are better than she is.

myst1998

No. If people are offended by truths and information then it says more about themselves than the website.

tish_part deux

of course that website is horrible. after all, you are loving and wonderful to breed and birth for people who can't...

you will be loved and respected...

until the ink dries...

i wish you a healthy pregnancy and baby.

BLW_KAM

I'm an "evil child -hungry monster baby-stealer".

I was shocked when I first came here and saw the accusatory and cruel messages often aimed at adoptive parents. I recoiled from the monitor a few times. But then I noticed the same people saying the same things again and again and in time I responded by ignoring them.

But there are others who are worthy of attention and respect. There are several people here who are honestly trying to enlighten based on their own experiences. There are deep thinkers and compassionate people who don't want another human being to suffer what they have suffered.

So my suggestion would be to ignore the rude, accusatory, heartless, or disrespectful answers and concentrate on those who teach with compassion.

... and then follow your heart. You know what's best for you and your baby. No one else. Just you.

ETA: I forgot to answer the question. No, I really don't find it insulting. It's their viewpoint and they don't know me from Eve. Now if they knew me and still slammed me, then I would be insulted.

kateiskate

Not offended at all. In fact, I support women keeping their babies so I pretty much agree with the content of that site.

But I AM offended by the idea that women keeping their babies has anything to do with other couples that are infertile.

And I think it is offensive to the thousands of women who work hard to make a life for their children and accept help from government agencies to do so for you to take such a negative attitude towards receiving help to parent your child.

BOO HOO....I don't wanna go on welfare....So I'll give my baby to strangers.

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

I'm all for encouraging women to keep their baby when at all possible, however, I do agree it is EXTREMELY hurtful, inappropriate, etc, to infer in ANY way that a majority of us "infertile" are infertile because we're too old or have STDs.. that is completely unacceptable. I didn't look over the whole website, and it may have lots of good information, but that part is unacceptable. But there are those, such as those with names very similar to "Pish" that CONSTANTLY spew the same stuff about "infertiles" here on this forum.

I was a 16 year old virgin when I found out I never had or would ovulate, PERIOD, due to a chromosome "mess up" that happened when I was conceived.. yeah.. that's my fault alright.. I don't think I'm more "worthy" of being a parent than anyone else, but as long as there are children who need homes, I won't give up my dream of being a parent, having a family.

As for you... I DO believe adoption is always better than abortion.. but please do look into the MULTITUDE of programs and assistance available to help you keep your baby. You won't regret it. You very well may regret surrendering your baby. Remember.. being young, unemployed, and in college are all TEMPORARY things. Why solve them with a permanent solution?

If you really feel adoption is the best option for you and your baby, please be careful and don't make any promises that you may not want to keep. Remember it's YOUR baby...until AFTER the birth and you decide differently. You don't owe anyone a baby. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or back you into a corner. Know your rights.. Give yourself time after the birth to change your mind and decide whether adoption is really what you want to do.

Heather B

No, not at all.

I'm sorry you can't find the time or the energy to raise your own child.

blairnative

Mixed feelings:

1- As an adoptee and adoptive parent, yeah, it annoys me.

2- I regrettably believe in free speech.

Lori A

Sorry not really offended.

I will admit that not all Adoptive Parents or Perspective Adoptive Parents become infertile in the same way, and not ALL first parents are always the better choice. I wish someone had even half this info to share with me when I was pregnant and scared. You are focusing on the well meaning parents who would love to have a child. They exist, there are some right here in this section, but so do the ones who feel they are better than ANY young teen mother.

It is an indescribable feeling, living with empty arms. Which brings me to my question about this question.

If you are so sure and set on your decision, why are you looking at a site like that? Could it be that even though you have made up your mind you still want to know what to expect in the way of ramifications? There's noting wrong with that, it's why the site is posted.

I wish i could put you in contact with a young woman who knew exactly what she was doing a few months ago when she surrendered.

Imagine being a CD stuck in the skip spot, her words not mine. Grades tanked, couldn't focus and almost dropped out of college on a full ride. You can be offended if you choose, but you need to be ready too. She has since stopped her anti-depressants, and is slowly getting back on track. So please don't use school as an example of why to surrender because in the near future you may not care about school at all.

Mom to Foster Children

Nope - not offended at all - just for the simple statement that I copied and pasted -

Who is the best parent for your child? YOU PROBABLY ARE!

kelly

As an adoptee, I find this site to be ridiculous on all levels.
I've met my bio. family and I am much, much, MUCH better off because I was adopted and I'm am very grateful that my mother felt I would be better off in another family. If I hadn't been adopted, I wouldn't be in medical school now. I probably wouldn't have even finished high school.

Independ"ant"

Briefly looked at it.

Nope...not at all.

Why are you so offended?....Truth hurt.

Jennifer L

Some of it, yeah.

"Older infertile couples who may have waited too long to have babies or may have had STD's want children. They feel that they "have earned it."

Well, it's always refreshing to be told what my feelings and motivations (as well as my age and physical health status) is by a pamphlet. After all, I'm sure the authors of this pamphlet interviewed EVERY SINGLE adoptive parent. Because otherwise, how could they make the broad general assumption about what Adoptive parents want, or feel? There is no "some may feel this way" or "some may be infertile due to age or STDs".

I believe the intent of that statement alone is to generalize and villify adoptive parents.

PhilM

Not offended at all.

Adoption is horrible.

yeahright

There are high horses and there are higher horses. And the view is always better when you think the other guys are the "bad guys"....the only person on the planet that can make the right decision that needs to be made is you. I've run into quite a few insulting and heartless people on their high horses who have no problems generalizing to make their own point...many times at the severe detriment of others. Sad.

I do not have an STD, never went into this taking advantage of anyone and am tired of the accusations...whatever. I know where I am going when this ride is over.

Philippa

I don't find it insulting to anybody. The point is that adoption is made out to be so wonderful these days and that open adoption is made out to be a good thing to go through. The reality of adoption isn't always wonderful even for mothers who choose adoption as even they have their bad days. I have friends who chose adoption for a variety of reasons. In all cases they were capable of raising their children but chose adoption for reasons ranging from they felt they weren't ready to raise a child (too young, not enough money etc) through to fear for their child's safety from violent ex partners. AS for open adoptions they're not legally binding so either side can stop contact - it's not just adoptive parents who sever contact.

On the other hand I'm not saying all children should stay with their natural parents as some aren't fit to raise their children and yes I do know parents like that.

From my own personally experience I was 19 when I had my son. I wanted to raise my son so abortion was obiously not an option but nor did I think about adoption. My sister had been forced to have an abortion a few years previously by my parents despite wanting to parent and having a boyfriend who could and wanted to support her and her baby. For this reason I kept quiet long enough so I couldn't be forced to have an abortion by my parents. I was working so in a position I could raise my child but when my parents found out they were adamant my son was to be adopted. They arranged everything and his adoption was actually illegal as I never gave my consent, I was lied to, wasn't told my rights and I wasn't shown any paperwork. However I'm not completely anti adoption despite what happened to me.

I found my son in 2004 and he has been living with me since Dec 2006 but only had contact with his aparents since April last year. I have never had any negative feelings towards them and I have found out that they were lied to as well which includes them being given a letter supposedly from me but I never wrote them a letter.

I find newborn adoption an uncomfortable subject for me because I know not all are ethical yet I know there are mothers who choose adoption. I don't demonise adoptive parents as most adopt for the right reasons but there are a few who adopt for the wrong reasons.

At the end of the day mothers have three choices - abortion, parenting or adoption so why reduce it two options? Parenting should be publizised as well as the other two for mothers to be who are scared and not sure what to do.

Gaia Raain II

My best friend had a baby about 7 weeks ago. His birth was pretty traumatic for him (he had to be resuscitated), and for the first 24 hours after his birth, the only thing that would comfort him was his mother. He already knew her because he had grown inside her. He knew her scent, her walk, her sounds, her voice, her mannerisms. He also knew his sister (the first time he heard her voice after birth, he turned his head toward her...didn't care about the midwives or me, but he knew HER voice), and his father.

A couple weeks ago, my friend left her baby with his father for a few minutes so that she could get some things done. He screamed the whole time she was gone. She thought maybe she wasn't producing enough milk for him, so while she was up, she made him a bottle of formula. When she came back, he stopped crying immediately. He didn't want formula. He didn't want breast milk. He didn't want his diaper changed. He didn't want his daddy or his sister. He wanted the woman he grew inside of, the woman who gave birth to him, the woman who comforted him after his first breath, the woman who nourishes him, the woman who he has known more intimately than any other human being since his conception.

I don't care what AP's or PAP's think. If you don't think it will be traumatic for a child to lose his mother, you've got some studying to do. I don't care why someone's infertile, because infertility has nothing to do with the baby you have in your belly. That baby needs YOU, and babies are plenty smart enough to know when their own mother isn't there. I don't think infertility and adoption should have anything to do with each other, so I could care less if some web site is saying that women are infertile because of poor choices. It happens. People have heart attacks and die because of poor choices, too. People lose money, houses, jobs, their family, etc. because of poor choices. And people lose their fertility because of poor choices. None of these things have a damn thing to do with your baby, who needs YOU.

Who cares if that site is insulting strangers? Write to the owner of the website if it's bothering you. Whether or not people who want other women's children are fertile does not change the fact that your baby needs you, and no one else BUT you.

â™¥Love my dogzâ™¥

All I have to say is that I live in Australia, and so many children SHOULD have been adopted. I laughed when they held up our Australian standards as being so noble and wonderful....here you see young girls and women getting pregnant just to get the money that's thrown at them...at it's quite a bit, believe me. They have no idea or intention of parenting well.
The saddest thing that ever happened to our country was the national embracing of it being ok to abuse kids and living of the state while you do it.

Not everybody deserves to raise a child just because they made them. I am one of those kids, my parents would never have dreamt of giving me up for adoption, I made them over $600 a month in benefits, that they got to drink. It makes me so angry that people think throwing money at people to have kids is the answer...they should go live that child's life.

If people will be good parents, great. If not they don't deserve their kids. They certainly don't deserve to have them as a paycheck.

I wish you all the best with your baby, and whatever choice you decide to make.

AdoreHim

Websites like this make abortion seem like a better option then adoption. I am adopted, and I know that my birth mom was not forced to place me. I also have 2 adopted children- and we have met both birth moms, and they both said "this was the best for their children". I am so tired of hearing how terrible it is to adopt a child. Why should people who cannot have children have to not be parents? Wouldn't it be better for someone who is pregnant to place, then to abort, if they themselves could not raise their child for whatever reason. I love my birth mom and the birth moms of my kids for loving us enough to place us. I know that it was not easy for our children's birth moms to place us- I saw their faces when we picked the babies up at the hospital. However, they told us they were not forced to place- the wanted too. I am SO SO tired of being pegged as abandoned, or as a child stealer. To be adopted and and adoptee is very interesting sometimes- but I am thankful on both counts- and no I am not a "evil child hungry monster". Thanks for understanding!!

Randy B

Some of it sounds like it was written by a few people I have seen around here. You may even be able to pick out who just by their answers to your inquiry.

Baby Ayden in Belly! 40+weeks...

That website is a bunch of B*S! My twin sister and I were adopted when we were 5 days old and couldn't have been luckier to have been raised by the parents who adopted us. I met my biological mother a few years ago, and although she is a wonderful woman - she gave us up to give us a better life, a life that she couldn't imagine possible. That website is very insulting and it makes it sound like adoption is not supposed to be an option, and that any child adopted would be better off dead! That website should be banned. It doesn't matter if you are adopted, or raised by the very parents who gave birth to you - anyone can come from a broken home, anyone can be molested, anyone can have fears and doubts in their family. It doesn't matter if this is family you share the same blood with or not. Bad things happen to good people everyday, and Thankfully adoption is a very wonderful option for those who can't deal with being parents, or who can't provide a better life for their kids. Giving up your legal rights as a parent is probably the hardest things a parent will EVER have to do. Now, there are adoptions where things don't go the right way, and the adoption is more like a kidnapping where one parent gives up the children without the other parents consent. I have seen those cases, but if you are a loving person, and can't have children you should have every right to adopt!!

Lisa A

I find it sick actually. They have the attitude that welfare exists. Therefore you should use it to raise a child "on your own". Sorry, that's not raising your child yourself. That is forcing ME to raise your child.

Why not just use adoption, and let someone who WANTS to raise a child raise them?

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