Do you think you idealize your first mother?

cruzgirlz3

No. The fact that I may find a "messed up" first mom at the end of a search does not mean I don't want to search. I'm very aware that there are all kinds of people out there. In answer to your question, if I find the type of mother you describe at the end of my search it would NOT change the way I feel about my adopted mother, not at all. The reason is because the search is not about my feelings toward my adoptive mother. I love her. She was a wonderful, supportive, nurturing mother. I am not trying to replace her.

I wish people could get this. Searching is NOT about replacing. I accept my adoption as part of who I am. I am searching for completion, for the rest of my story. My search actually comes from a place of security. I like my life. I have accepted the good and the bad, and I'm ready to handle the rest whatever that is. It is not a matter of "would you rather," because what you don't get is that both are my truth. My natural mother and my adoptive mother are both realities of my life. I'm just wanting information about the part of me that is unknown. I'm not trying or seeking to choose between the two.

tish

it's never advisable to take an extreme case and attempt to generalize it to all...

hey...i got one for YOU

http://www.amfor.net/KillerAdopters/

DevonChaos

When I was little I would fantasize about my first mother. I used to imagine that she was a movie star who was shooting up the ranks of Hollywood when she was pregnant with me, and gave me up to save her career. She would later come back to find me, and would let me stay at her house in the summers, and it would be so WONDERFUL. As I got older, I stopped thinking of it like that and realized that she was probably just a young (I've heard she was somewhere between 14 and 17 when she had me) girl who was confused and didn't know where to go. I now know that if I were to find her, she'd probably just be an average Jill making her way in the world. She could be very nice, or very evil. Who knows? I can't fathom what her life would be like now. Having a baby can be a very polarizing event in such a young life. She could have been so traumatized that she turned to drugs or drinking. She could have stayed on the straight and narrow after being scared straight with an unwanted pregnancy. Or she could have just carried on the best she could, grew up, married, and had more kids. Who really knows? Her situation is alien to me. If I ever do find her, all I hope is that she is as curious about me as I am of her.
I do think the person who wrote that question you wrote of is a bad mother. Bad things happen, but you carry on. Your children are the one thing in your life that are truely your own. That really makes me sad. With all the help that the government can give, these women giving up their older children and continuing to have more just sickens me.

ETA: You do sound rather judgemental. Who knows how different one decision can change someones life? We don't get a chance to go back and do things again, so we will never find out. There are things that I wish my a-parents put me through that I wish I hadn't gone thorugh, but you know... my first mother might have been worse. Who knows? Idealist? No. Realist? Yes.

Independ"ant"

I find it odd that she would post a question asking if she was a good mom. Sounds a bit fishy.

I would say have compassion for this woman and give her support. Having a child die on you isn't a walk in the park. It sounds like she wasn't able to cope with it. Everyone deals with trauma differently.
Did anyone ask her if the adoption agency or social worker offered support and encouraged her to get into therapy to prevent her from continuing her downward spiral.

I think that its superficial/petty to assume that a child should be grateful for an adoptive parent. Only insecure parents would want an achild to feel that way. I'd suggest therapy for those Aps as well. Whatever the natural parents actions are..it should never be used to against a child.
In essence that's what you're doing by correlating or dictating the feelings an achild should have for A because of the actions of B . Kids do not have control over what any adults do or say.

Aparents should keep their feelings/opinions of Natural parents away from their adopted children....thats their own issue and should NEVER be projected at any child.

Linny G

why would we look at our a parents any differently? I dont care if my N mom was an aids infected crack ho. She is my N Mom.

If I found y N Mom to be like that, I would say, "I am sorry you did not have help. I am sorry society did not care about you and did not help you to keep me."

You do NOT know what women go through- this one, or any other n mom. You did NOT know if she "wanted" her baby or not. Sounds like another eager p a p perpetuating the adoption lie.

Flying Monkey #073177

Are you suggesting that the majority of first parents fit with this woman's description of herself? FAR FROM. And who are you to judge her or anyone else anyhow? Have you walked in her shoes, suffered her losses or had to make the choices she has? No, you haven't and to sit here and judge her is totally without compassion or reason. Live your life how you see fit and let others do the same. You obviously have no idea what frame of mind this poor woman is in, nor do you know what other forces are at work in her life.

I do not idealize my Mother, I accept her for what she is... a damn good mother and person.

Anha S

Theres likely a lot more to the story. Grief can do horrible things to a person, and maybe the woman felt overwhelmed. Maybe she didn't have enough support while she was going through it. Maybe she is as rotten as you say. Either way.

Judging her, (and yes, you are judging her, right after saying you don't) and deciding she has messed up priorities for being on a computer is just a little bit out there. Who says she wasn't at a friends place, etc. Somehow we all find time for Y!A despite being parents, having other engagements, jobs, etc, are all our priorities messed up too?

Money IS a common thread in the reasoning behind relinquishing a child! Ive read numerous threads here since I came to this site about women wanting to relinquish for that child to have that "better life" with people who could better provide for them. I dont agree with giving a child up because of the lack of financial resources, but it seems to be the biggest selling point of adoption advocates everywhere. Can't afford a baby? Give them to someone who can! Why is it only wicked in this woman's case?

To answer the question, yes, I idealized my first mother. When I was 5. As I grew up, my perception of who she might be changed, and when I met her, I expected the unexpected, and frankly, I got it. However, that did not change the way I see my aparents. At all. Didn't make me more or less greatful, and it didn't paint them in a better light.

Mei-Ling

Absolutely not.

As a CHILD, if I had to be told "She loved you so much that she had to give you up" - which to me implied she lacked the resources to take care of me, then how would it have been possible to idealize her as being rich or famous?

Seems to me if she had been rich/famous to begin with, she would have kept me. Right?

So that fantasy issue never came into play for me.

As a transracial adoptee in reunion, it has never come into play for me at all. She was my mother and she lost me. That's a heartbreaking fact and does not need to be idealized.

ETA: Okay, apparently I misinterpreted the context.

"The only difference is if you're adopted in infancy, you wouldn't know how the natural parent really was."

That's SO not true and has been proven false. An infant is not a blank slate. An infant is not "unintelligent", either at birth or even in the womb from 26 weeks gestation and onwards.

To answer your initial question... you know what? Can you just leave your IM option on so I can go in-depth without broadcasting my personal story? : Please? It would be much appreciated.

Heather Leigh

Loosing a child can wreck havoc on a persons life. I can't even begin to imagine what someone goes through. But I think it plays a big part in the decisions this person made.

Lillie

I don't think I do, I know I do.

She is a kind, decent, generous, loving, successful person and a positive role model for any person to look up to. Why wouldn't I idealize her? I'd be proud to turn out like her.

Happy?

maybe

Obviously all adoptees should have read that question and been ever more grateful to their adoptive parents.

cathrl69

A huge proportion of kids imagine at some stage or another, usually when they've fallen out with their parents over some minor issue of discipline or homework, that they are adopted and one day their "real" parents will show up to carry them away on a wave of love, perfection and understanding. They're idealising a parent they don't even have - because hey, no REAL parent who REALLY loved you would make you do homework or ban you from going out with your boyfriend...

Indian-vision

Although i feel your question does sound judgemental and unfair.
I want to add to those users who have been the first to judge a Prospective adoptive parent and over here are angry about this question being too judgemental. Yes, its wrong to be judgemental of people and their situation. You aren't their facing it and don't know the complete stort. So before you bash PAP's plz pause and think.

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