Do your views on adoption surprise people you know?

Jennifer L

Sometimes.

Some people are very surprised that we keep ongoing communication with our children's first family.

More often though, I get the most "surprise" from people still in process of adopting internationally. The big one comes from increased regulations that end up adding more wait time. I'm active on a couple forums that deal specifically in Liberian or African adoptions and I always remind people that those regulations are there to protect the children. Yes, the wait is hard. But running down to Africa, guns blazing (figuartively) and *demanding* that a foreign government drops whatever its doing to meet with you and work on *your* case is arrogant and presumptuous in the extreme.

Oh, I'm also fond of pointing out that additional processes put in place to prevent child trafficking is NOT the devil working to try and keep your children away from you.

I oppose putting advertisments on the internet for adoption disruption (14 year old Liberian boy needs re-homing) and I don't apologize for saying that the internet is not the place for that, or that crap like this doesn't exactly assure a foreign government that the children entrusted to us are safe and cared for. Even when the family has been through hell, there are legitimate avenues for help and support. Ads on the 'net isn't one of them.

I'm also pretty vocal in my criticism of agencies and "facilitators" that are not licensed and if you just send them $5K and "pray about it" that they'll find you that perfect baby. Had several posts removed on one forum.

I continue to be current on the news of my children's home country and frequently post stories of interest for other parents of Liberian children. Things like, asking for a boycott of Firestone tires because of the conditions of the Firestone plant in Liberia.

Once in awhile, I actually get a response.

BOTZ

Sometimes...

I am quite sure that some people I haven't had contact with for several years would likely be among those who say, "I know someone who is adopted and is perfectly happy." ME BEING that "someone" they know who they believe is "perfectly happy". UGH!

I can't believe what kind of 'authority' people believe they have when they know me -- and know that I am adopted -- to say that I am "happy with my adoption".

I am HAPPY -- that is true -- but with my adoption is an entirely different story.

Cambria

People are usually surprised that I have a view on adoption at all! For most people it is not something they ever think about beyond the basic fact of it existing. People also don't really react well when you suddenly are going against the happy-happy story society has been told for so long.

cantstopLinnyG

Good on you, Heather!! It's parents who realize what it is all about who will help change society's perceptions about adoption.

Yeah...people who don't know me well are surprised when they hear I would like to see adoption become a rare thing. But if they take the time to find out WHY, they pause and say, "Wow. I had no idea."

That's what life is about, though. Learning...

Lori A

Some times. Some think that because my daughter got a good home that i should be more pro adoption, others think that because of my position, it only makes sense that i feel the way I do.

But as far as loving homes, I want all adoptee's to get loving homes with great parents. I also want them to have full access to their information.

I have to chuckle at the nice non-profit agency comment though. Babies cost tooo much money for an agency to be not profiting. SOMEONE is profiting, and that you can bank on.

snowwillow20

People assume because I used the adoption option that I would encourage other women in the same situation to choose adoption.

Of course since I know how it feels to give a child up I can not and willconsciencehat. In reunion since 2001

DevonChaos

I try not to talk about it unless someone else brings it up, but yeah. The few times it has, it has shocked people. I guess they think since I'm adopted, that I would think adoption was the bees knees. I'm quite the opposite.

Nurse Autumn Intactivist NFP

Good for you!

And yes, you should see the looks people give me when I suggest that adoption isn't all sunshine and fairy tales!

MamaKate

Dear Heather,

Most people who know me well aren't shocked by my feelings - most of them agree. (Pro-reform) If it comes up in a random conversation, most people who I talk to and never really thought about it usually agree with me after we've talked about it for a few minutes. Some have even commented that they felt a little silly that they had never thought about it from the other points of view and some comment abut how they never realized how "Disney-ized" their view was.

The biggest problem I see with most people's attitudes about adoption is usually because a lack of real knowledge and understanding. Once they learn about the truth of adoption they usually tend to agree with "reformist" ideas about it. Most people are able to see how complicated it can be and are empathetic enough to be concerned once they become aware of the issues.

Of course there will always be "die hard pro-adoption" people but I generally feel that majority of them have a personal agenda. Most folks are a little more open-minded and I think are really not shocked by my attitude per se, but more about what THEY didn't know.

I'm glad you spoke up! (Oh, and tell your co-worker he's awesome too!)
I am a firm believer that the more people speak up and the more people who get "educated" the more likely we are to see real changes in the way adoption is handled. I would love to see adoption returned to the social service it was, with the emphasis on the needs of the CHILD instead of the BUSINESS of finding children for families that it has become. Voices like yours and mine and the other people who speak up are what will make the biggest difference. Thank you, and I really mean that.

kateiskate

Oh yes. My friends, family, and coworkers are all very surprised by my opinions on things when the subject of adoption comes up.

Most of those people who have no real connection to adoption (other than knowing me) do not realize the pain and emotions attached to adoption and relinquishment. A lot of them are under the impression that adoption is "wonderful" and I should be "grateful" and other agency driven things like that. They are very surprised to learn about some of the reasons that I am against adoption.

My nail tech is a first mom and even she was confused when I said I hoped to attend an adoptee rights protest later this year. When I explained to her that our records are sealed and that we deserve civil rights equality, she was surprised because she did not know the records were sealed.

I think part of the vast misconception of the public (thinking that adoption is the best option) is partly due in part to the adoption agencies and their strategic marketing ploys.

Jackie B

My in-laws all think that Nadya Suleman should give her kids up for adoption too because she can't afford them. When I say that's not a valid reason they look at me crazy and go on about taxpayers' dollars (why I don't know, we live in VA). It's kinda weird because my in-laws have adopted 3 children (their parents were killed in a car accident -- they knew them).

My brother-in-law completely thought we were crazy when he found out we were going to foster care classes. He asked 'Why?' And I said 'Why not?'. He didn't say anything more after that. My in-laws are willing to pay for IVF (we don't object to IVF, we just want to pay for it ourselves if we have to) and I guess they all think that will be our ultimate choice.

Independ"ant"

All the time......and they usually agree and/or look at IA in a new light.

Its seems that everyone seems to know 1 or 2 people that have bought children.....but they don't say anything because they feel it wouldn't do any good.

I actually met this christian guy advertising that he's trying to get into the baby selling business recently and called him on greed (he and his wife lost their jobs and was looking for a way to make money).

I was surprised that everyone around us told him he should listen up.

monkeykitty83

Not usually, but this is probably due to the fact that I don't live in the United States, and where I live almost all adoptions are either kinship or from government care, and we have open records already. So here, foster care adoption IS adoption, and agency/private adoption (or international adoption, for some reason) are things that happen somewhere else, and no one thinks about much. There isn't really a likelihood of people being surprised by anything I might say to them.

The one time I did surprise someone, I actually totally offended her, and it was completely my fault, because I was treating her like "generic adoptee" rather than considering her personal situation, which isn't cool. Sort of out of the blue, at one point she said, "I'm thinking of trying to find my birthmother. What do you think?" ("Birthmother" here being her word, not mine.) I responded positively, but for some reason she felt she needed to clarify, "I don't want a relationship with her or anything, but I'm just curious, and I'd like medical information." Rather than considering why she might have felt the need to specify that so emphatically, IdiotMonkeyKitty replied, "You know, if you wanted to have a relationship with her, that would be OK." At which point the friend got angry and said very firmly that she didn't want to have a relationship with the person who abandoned her because of her disability. Which I knew, and realized was raw, and was being totally insensitive to, and I feel bad about.

I'm not sure how much of that was personal situation and how much of that was generic views about contact with biological parents-- I suspect more of the personal. So I'm not sure if I surprised her with my views or my ability to stick my foot in my mouth.

But in general, I think where I live I'd be preaching to the choir about foster care adoption, and I'm not likely to surprise people with my views about things that don't exist here.

Anha S

Sometimes, yes. I recently had conversations about adoption with 2 separate friends, both knew I was adopted, but we didn't talk much about it. When I started talking about the negatives, they were dumbfounded, one said "but you ARE adopted" like it was supposed to mean I would automatically be happy about it. The other, we had a very engaging discussion about the whole thing.

Laurel J

Yes, they do. As an adoptee, I am expected to universally champion all forms of adoption. I swear I've had co-workers who would have expected me to react with gushing praise to, "Guess what? We kidnapped a child and now we're going to adopt it!"

I've found that most people don't know about sealed records. It's always gratifying to see them react very logically--with shock and a small amount of horror at the Orwellian nature of having one's identity blotted out. In my experience, only those who think they benefit from sealed records find them anything but bizarrely wrong.

Lucy da cat

Yeah when I try to talk to other cats about adoption, they get confused. Seeing as I speak people and they don't.

yeahright

People are surprised that even though we have engaged in the adoption process--it is because of that experience that we are NOT for adoption in its current practice.

Sarah

Honestly, I'm a bit torn by the whole Octo-Mother situation.

Part of me says, it's not fair on the children. The children didn't ask to be in this sort of situation they are in now.

I think that the reason why your supervisor would have said to she should put some of the children up for adoption is because currently the mother is relying on her own mother's retirement cheques to get through. And the fact that these retirement cheques aren't going to last her a lifetime, then it really bogs down to what would happen then? And I think in your supervisor's mind she's probably thinking more along the lines of - what will they eat? what will they wear? where would they sleep at night? how would they even take a shower? etc.

Other part of me would think, it would be cruel to tear the children apart. However, the sad reality is, IF, I'm not saying it WILL happen, children services felt she was not deem fit to raise that many children, it's generally hard to keep multiple siblings together.

It's kind of already a lost battle IMO. I mean I think the reality that hits a lot of people on this is the question on whether she IS able to raise the children financially, etc. I mean I'm sure she loves her children. But reflecting off today's financial crisis - it seems bleak I suppose for her to be able to raise all these children based on her Mother's retirement cheque. And then, when her Mother either stops receiving these cheques or passes away, will she, herself be able to cope working and raising so many children alone. It's a tough one that's for sure.

almy92604

i used to think adoption was better than abortion but now i am not sure anymore. adoption would save a life but imagine when the child grows up knowing that his parents didnt want him and he/she will always have that feeling of rejection

Shelly P. Tofu, E.M.T.

Yes, absolutely. I've learned so much here.. (thanks to RESPECTFUL and open-minded firstmoms and adoptees.. NOT thanks to the anti-AP/PAP ranters) that family members and a few friends who know I am infertile are often surprised at my views of adoption. They automatically assume I'd be 100% for adopting a newborn, and assume it's a win-win-win and easy to do.. They're VERY surprised when I share some information about adoption, because they simply don't know.

I DO plan to adopt, through whichever doors open when the time comes, providing the method is ethical and above board and the child's needs are first and foremost.

* from the Great White North*

3 of my children are adopted and none of their records are sealed, we made sure of that. My kids were older so they do remember their life before hand, so far none of them even desire to talk to their birth Moms but it is their choice to make.
So yes you can have true open adoptions but as for octo Mom I do not believe adoption is her answer. Splitting up her family would only cause more harm than good to those kids.

HappyMomAnna

My views about adoption do not surprise very many people.

My decision to adopt a 1 and 5 year old when my biological children were 17 and 18 years old was FAR more surprising to the people who know me.

*

chris_cat

People always point out the rejection factor - as in, how rejected kids will feel when they find out they're adopted. How about how loved they feel when they realize how much their adoptive parents cherish them?

My thoughts on adoption do not surprise the people I know, but they seem to have surprised some others answering on a related topic yesterday. I maintain that a legal, well-handled adoption allows a qualified couple to share their hearts and lives with a child who might otherwise not have loving parents.

What surprises me is how cynical a lot of people are. I never realized that a lot of people (the majority of whom are not even adoptees or adoptive parents) criticize childless couples for "desperately wanting a child." The same people primarily see the profit-making aspect of adoption. What about wonderful nonprofit organizations that work hard to place children with parents who can give them what their biological parents desperately wish for them?

allchildrenareangels

Well I guess I would have to say that most of my friends think I am crazy when I tell them how I feel about adoption. When I tell them I would like to adopt a child and give him or her a loving and stable home that otherwise would not have one. If you look at their faces they think that is crazy and you can tell not a one of my friends one adopt :0(
I would really blow their mind if I told them once the children we have now are all in college we plan on adopting a sibling group. A lot of times you see a teen that also has a younger sibling. I would love to adopt a sibling group like that. I am also excited for the day we can do that. If I told my friends that they would probably fall out. I don't understand why more people don't want to help.
At the same time of course at the same time people automatically assume I would be okay with agencies. People ask me why we don't go through an agency. They don't realize to coersion ( however you spell that) that happens.

I find a lot of people on the internet with the same views as me but, not with people I live around.

As far as the octuplets go wow thats a toughy because, I have mixed feelings. I don't think anyone should have the right to force her to put her babies up for adoption. At the same time I don't think it is possible for one person to take care of 14 children all the time. Having one infant is hard. I think eight will not be possible. I guess it is a job for CPS to watch over her and make sure the children are being well taken care of. If they are not being properly taken care of then I think they should put them up for adoption.

I hope this has been a lesson to the world. I hope they make laws only allowing infertility doctors to put in a certain amount of embryos. Also they should probably do a screening and if a patient is already receiving government assistance they should not be aloud to have infertility treatment. Oh well thats my view.

Love,
Michelle

Love,
Michelle

X-Gunner Hero 360

Sometimes, but my very good friends always agree on my standing with abortion. I am not saying that I like abortion, though.

where is everybody?

i don't know where your from but we don't automatically seal our records or keep the kids from their family once adopted. when adopted you treat them as your own. they see who you let them. i think he's using the adoption as an excuse. like he would be financially responsible if he adopted. wow

Prison officer

I donÂ´t believe so. I have adopted three children from Colombia all from one family. Two work in the United States and one attends school in Colombia. My natural family never objected. I have 6 Natural born children and three adopted. Your supervisor is a brainwashed liberal who supports abortion, and other left wing philosophies. I donÂ´t blame her/him for their views, since it is the fault of our educational system, the decline in morality, the belief in God and the sanctity of life.

sarah_venice

no
i dont believe in abortion, but i dont push my views on anyone else, thats my business.

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