Does any good come from a bad reunion?

kitta

I have never been sure how to define "reunion" let alone a 'bad' reunion.

this is a relationship, so it is going to have its ups and downs. In "regular relationships" people have bad times and good times in life. Sometimes they may not be talking to each other.

With reunions, after the initial excitement dies down, people have to relate to each other in in at least a reasonably normal way if it is to be successful.

Of course, some never get to that point.

With the outright rejections, at least some questions are answered. Identities are known. Some basic knowledge may be exchanged. many people do feel that makes it worth it.

Personally, I believe that knowing is better than not knowing.

My child was adopted by abusers, and I testify about that so that the truth of that issue will be known.

Heather B

If the person concerned discovered the truth, good bad or ugly; I think it's worth it.

Yes.

It beats being stuck in the dark

cantstopLinnyG

Absolutely.
There are stories of good reunions, and bad reunions. Knowing one's truth is better than making it up in your head.

DevonChaos

I would think that at least then, even with a bad reunion, you would be able to change a question mark into a period. It would hurt to have a bad reunion, but at the very least, you would know. I would risk it in a heartbeat. I would try not to have any expectations, good or bad. It would be hard though.

Sly

From my own experience, it is always better to know than to not know. I now know that my son is alive and able to make choices for himself. The fact that I often believe that the choices he makes are poor ones does not change the fact of my knowing that he is able to do so. There is a peace that comes from knowing that seems unattainable otherwise.

Laurel J

Yes, it is. I never had a face-to-face relationship with my mother, and she doesn't want further contact from me. However, having the photographs she sent, knowing what my last name would have been, and knowing more about my origins have made me feel much, much better. Empowered, even.

It also helped my relationship with my adoptive parents--a lot.

Lori A

I'm having trouble with calling a reunion that is not accepted by one party a bad reunion. To me a bad reunion is one that turns into stalking, harassing, mooching, bestowing guilt trips, playing the martyr. If someone does not accept reunion then there is no reunion. But I wouldn't begrudge a person for trying. There's closure in that all in itself.

The opposite can also be said. What would one miss out on if not for trying? Again nothing ventured nothing gained.

I guess you would have to decide if you were willing to sacrifice the chance at one of the most intimate relationships you could possibly have because you couldn't for tell how it would turn out. Whether it turns into a friendship or a one time meeting its still intimate because of the relation between the parent and child. I don't want to use the word bond here because some do not feel a bond right away or ever. But to me it is still intimate and I would think on some level positive and giving closure.

Am I the only one this makes sense to?

Rowan

yes. Even if the reunion goes sour, you still know who you are, and where you came from. You might even get some medical history, which to be honest, was all that i really got out of knowing who my bio parents really are. Questions are answered that maybe noone else can answer.

I had a wonderful childhood, but that doesn't take away a need and desire to know who gave birth to me. Even though my a mom will always be the one and only person i ever call Mom, i know she would have wanted me to find out, for my own peace of mind.She was sad that i didnt really like my bio mom, but she understood. i was HER daughter, i told her.

kateiskate

Personally, the not knowing kills me. I wonder if she misses me, if she ever did, if she loved me, if we look alike, if we have similar traits etc. And to be honest, I am deeply jealous of anybody that has the chance to have a reunion, (even if the reunion may not have been good) to get to meet people that share their dna, that share the same blood as them since I deeply crave a biological connection.

The hurt that I would face should a potential reunion not turn out well is small potatoes in my mind compared to the fact that I may never know someone who shares the same biology as me, and that I might never have any idea where I came from.

That's just me though.

snowwillow20

Yes, they are worth it, but reunions are very fragile and can go from bad to good in a heartbeat.

Carol c

Of course it's worth it. It's psychologically healthier to just know the truth, deal with it and then get on about your life. No more wondering or guessing where our family member is.

And as I always say, intelligent people don't live well with mystery in their lives. LOL

gypsywinter

YES! it is absolutely worth it!

It is only upon reunion...that both mother and now adult child, can get many answers to the questions that many mothers and their separated children have had for decades. The knowing is always better than the not-knowing. And the garbage that the adoption agencies spit out...is just that most times, contrived garbage!

Former unwed, surrendering mother...circa 1964

sizesmith

My brother-in-law was placed for adoption 48 years ago, and although the reunion with his bio mom (my MIL) wasn't great, it was just kind of neutral, because as they both say, they just don't know each other. The great part of it though, is that my partner and he were reunited as brothers, and now are working on a great relationship, both as brothers, and as friends. In the initial part of the reunion, with it still being a little stressful, and the siblings not making an effort at the time, the BIL was relieved to have his medical history,

Looking at all those involved, and having been the neutral party that everyone talked to, I think they all went into the reunion with some unrealistic goals, of thinking there might be an instant bond, which there was a little bit of, but just as getting to know a friend, it takes some give and take on both sides of the fence, which all did, and after a few years time, and understanding how the others felt, it's working out a lot better.

At least in a bad reunion, an adoptee might know that it's the parent's fault, and not ever blame themselves again. It can also be role-reversal, or just quite the opposite all over.

There's a saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" that applies here in one way. No one will ever have a joyful reunion if people don't keep trying. The sad fact is, some just won't be, but the feelings can eat people up if they don't try.

My best friend placed a child 42 years ago, and has been sent a letter through the adopion agency. It's ironic her daughter heads over seeing others being reunited, and her own mother is afraid to face the truth and tell her own children, because of her own fears.

*7 Inch Heels*

My mother was adopted and she went looked for her father last year. She is very close to her adopted family but always just wanted to know whom her real parents were. She found out through a private detective that her mother had passed away and her father was living a few states away. She was able to get in contact with him and he was VERY rude to her and said he never had any kids an to F*** off. He said he hated kids and didnt want anything to do with her even if she was his kid. She was upset by how rude and angry he was towards her but she doesnt care, she said she was happy she found out where they were but now she doesnt care and is still happy with her adopted family.

Rivkah

Closure.

chickenfarmer

I'm not adopted so I have no personal experience but experience is just that, taking part in life without knowing how it's going to turn out. I don't think you can break down any experience anyone has in life and suggest whether or not it's a good or bad thing, it just is. If you feel any kind of completion by having done something, that experience has helped you.

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