Does anyone feel they have a " primal wound"?

PhilM

I did relate to much of what that book said. It was not the first book I read to help me understand some things about how adoption affected me, but it was a helpful presentation.

I don't live in the past, or play the victim. Reading about other adoptees' experiences has been empowering, rather than keeping me a victim. (Those who tell you to "move on" or to "get over it" are actually trying to keep you a victim. They diminish your experience, invalidate it, and don't allow you to process it properly.) It has been incredibly helpful for me to find out that I am not alone. Being able to acknowledge my feelings allows me to deal with them. The only way to find some healing is to deal with those feelings.

Another book you might be interested in is "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig.

Good luck to you.

Gershom

I haven't read it in years, but yes, I did relate to it when I originally read it, alot!

Possum

'Primal Wound' is one of the first adoptee-reunion-type books I read when I seriously started searching.
I was so blown away by it. I couldn't believe that someone else was writing about me!!
It was a relief to finally find out why I am the way I am - and that I'm not alone - and not a freak!!
Soon after reading it, Nancy Verrier was in Australia, and I got to listen to her speak. GREAT!
Very empowering stuff.

snow flake

I read The Primal Wound recently and related to all of it. Much of what it says, I have or could have said myself.
As far as "dwelling on pain" and "moving on", I tried for the majority of my life up to very recently to just go through my life as if there was nothing about my adoption that affected me. I spent years and years being treated for depression with psychotherapy, self-help books, medications, etc, with no results. Never was adoption addressed and I would sit with yet another doctor saying, "I just don't understand what's wrong with me." Finally this year, I came to understand that until I deal with the issues that come from being an adoptee, I will never be able to be a whole person.
Our society does not like to acknowledge that we need to deal with painful experiences. This is a society that encourages Independence at all cost. If you talk at all about having a difficult issue to overcome, you are seen as weak, labeled a "victim", and told to "move on". This society rewards strength and punishes weakness. People bury their emotions and don't deal with things in order not to appear vulnerable.
Self-help gurus talk about it's all a matter of "attitude", if you just make up your mind to be happy and positive, you can be. Well imo and experience, that's a load of crap. I can pretend for awhile that I'm fine, fine, fine...really, I'm fine...but, that primal wound is deep inside, festering and eating away at my soul. Eventually, I had to face that the reason why I'm so depressed, and that I can't make friends, and that I trust no one, and that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, is because I have been hurt and damaged by being adopted.
So, to answer your question, YES, I really identified with the book. You're definitely not alone, there are a lot of us and we're finally finding our voices.

Phoenix

I really need to re-read it. But yes, its a good book. It explained a lot about myself.

Heather B

Absolutely. That book explained alot to me about why I was the way I was. With that knowledge I am better able to identify, recognise and deal with those issues.

These are issues that should have been dealt with and losses that should have been grieved in childhood. Unfortunately, as society does not allow us to grieve our losses early on, we are often adults before the grieving and healing process can even start. Joslins answer is disgusting, but hers is a common attitude.

Isn't it strange that early childhood experieces that affect our lives seem acceptable to people EXCEPT if you were adopted - then you are expected to just 'get over it' funny that, isn't it. Man, I'm proud of adoptees. We are strong people to put up with the dumb stuff that comes our way from ignorant judgemental people

No matter, only YOU know YOU and I'm glad you are learning about yourself and your behaviors and why and where they come from. Have you read the second book - the Adopted Child Grows up. I found that quite difficult (because it is a bit of a gently kick up the backside), but helpful nonetheless

I'm reading 'The Secret Life of the Unborn Child' which is fascinating

Adopted Jane

taxgurl you are just in denial hun..

ALL Adoptees are the walking wounded !!!! unless they are DEAD !

beegirlny

The short version of the Primal Wound online was the first adoption related thing that I read and it opened the floodgates! I printed it and carried it around with me for weeks, like a safety blanket. I felt like someone finally understood how I felt and I finally had a WHY! My whole life I asked myself "Why do I feel this way? Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just get over feeling like this?" Now I know why, because I am adopted.

I am not saying that non-adopted people don't have issues but it is usually easier to find out why? Heredity, childhood trauma, etc. I didn't know my medical history so I blamed it on that because my adopted family is great and never abused me. The Primal Wound taught me that I had experienced trauma, I was taken from my mother when I was a baby, when I needed to feel the comfort of the only person that I knew because I had just spend 9 months inside of her. I lost her and never got to grieve that loss. Reading the Primal Wound made me feel "normal" for the first time in a long time. I had a "diagnosis" so to speak for the feelings and behaviors that I couldn't previously explain. I had something to work on and improve because I now knew that the source of the pain was.

I have since read the whole book version and I am now reading "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig. I have a stack of other books to read when I am done with that one. I am learning things about myself from every book and hopefully by the end of it I will feel a little better about myself and learn to trust the people in my life who care about me.

For those of you that don't relate to it, don't judge others because they do. It may not have hit you yet and maybe it never will but we need to respect and support each other. Many adoptees feel the need to pretend that they are undamaged and are "perfect" to they don't get rejected again. I was always subconciously afraid that my family would send me back if I didn't make them proud or I messed up. Maybe you are undamaged. If you are, I am jealous and I wish you the best. If only we were all so lucky.

TaxGurl

I read it recently and didn't feel that I identified with it at all. I may be adopted but I am not the walking wounded. I do not feel a sense of loss or that I was ripped from my "real" family. You can choose to dwell on painful topics and feel like a victim or you can choose to move on and live a full life.

Still Me

Yes, I have felt that way in the past, and work at keeping that feeling at bay. I think that no matter what our experiences in life, especially as children, when we become adults, we must try to make a conscious choice to stop blaming, stop living our lives as a victim, and embrace that in which we can find strength and joy and let go, let god and live life!

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