Does anyone regret giving thier kid up for adoption?

PhilM

My mom does.

Here are some books about the effects of adoption on children:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

magic pointe shoes

Yes. At first I wouldn't admit that it was regret for relinquishment, it was regret that my life ever got to that low point. But more time passed I realized that it always has been regret for everything. The relinquishment of my son had far more severe consequences than ever intended... on my son, on my kept children, the relationships I hold with my family members. Not one person has made it through still the same person they were before the relinquishment, and that is seriously unfortunate.

Whatever your reasons are that you think you aren't good enough for your child, solve them now. Rise up and don't live with this kind of regret.

Possum

Yes - my mother does.

Please make sure you read lots by those that have lost children to adoption.
Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.
Google blogs written by first mothers/birth mothers.
Know ALL the facts - and be very aware that most adoption agencies and most prospective parents will tell you you're doing a wonderful and loving thing - but will drop you once they have your precious child.
They want a child - they don't care about you.
Here's some links to articles and websites that contain information that mainstream won't tell you.

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?pageId=51995
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/
http://familypreservation.blogspot.com/
http://www.singlepregnancy.com/

Babies do best when they're raised by the mother they are born to (unless you intend to harm your child - which I think you wouldn't be asking these questions if that were the case).
This baby wants the best mother YOU can be.
It's hard to grow up in a family of genetic strangers - and be very very aware that in most states open adoption is not enforceable - even though it is the best for the child.

I wish you and your babe the best the world can offer.

Felicita1

I don't know one single mother who has lost a child to adoption (and yes, that's what it usually feels like, because you usually end up feeling you had no choice) who did not want to keep her baby and who does not want her child back.

Financial problems are temporary. Your baby will have a father as it takes two to tango, and very often fathers step into that role when their child is born, as parenting as a role for a man begins with the birth. Plus you have the right to child support from him, many couples co-parent from different houses, and you may get married to a new man in the future. Nevermind that you cannot get the adoptive parents to sign a guarantee that they will never divorce or one of them won't die. In a sense, your child already has a two-parent family.

There are resources out there such that any mother can provide her child with a stable home. These resource exist and you are paying for them with your current and future tax money.

The grief, loss, and pain from losing a child to adoption has a 50% chance of not decreasing over years and even decades. And it has been measured using psychological tests as being as bad as having a child die. That's how painful it is. Plus baby's grandparents face similar pain.

If you give birth and find you do not want or love your child, then that is what adoption is for. It is not created to find homes for babies who are loved and wanted -- but adoption agencies can make $25,000 from every healthy white baby so they will try to convince you that it is "the loving option."

cantstopLinnyG

Your family is amazing. To have their support is something you and your baby will cherish. Please visit the links Possum and Myst posted. You deserve to raise and love your baby, and your baby deserves you. Your family will be there. Open adoption is VERY difficult, almost impossible to enforce. Don't believe any agency who encourages them. That's what they say to get your baby.

myst1998

So very funny why an adoptive parent would feel the need to answer this unless they have relinquished themselves...

Anyways, yes, it will affect you for the rest of your life. I hav met only ONE mother who really didn't want to parent and was happy to place and yet she had to battle with guilt her entire life and it gave her a whole new set of issues to deal with. No one walks away from adoption the same person. It changes you even if you are unaware of the change at the time.

As I didn't 'give' my child up, I can't regret it but I am devastated that I LOST my child to adoption.

I think you need more information on what adoption can do to you and your child before you go any further and you also need to just experience being pregnant and what it means to be a mother. Your issues are temporary now, adoption is forever and ever and ever.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/mothers.html
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/adoption_damage_to_children.html
http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_facts/Why_Birthmother_Means_Breeder.html
http://www.exiledmothers.com/open_adoption/index.html
http://www.keepyourbaby.com/

All the best.

sunny

The 'differing opinions' on here are usually these: adoptees and mothers who relinquish regret adoption. Adoptive parents are glad--why? because they gained.

My mother is 67, and gave me up over 40 years ago. It was her biggest regret, and she had far fewer choices than you have.

Go sign up for benefits, please!

jessica300

Here are some quotes from articles written on the subject of relinquishment.

(2001) Karen Lynn, York University. Adoption Speech: Mothers without their children.â€ â€œLosing a child to adoption is a trauma unlike any other. It is a sentence â€¨of endless unresolvable loss and grief for most. The consequences of this loss play themselves out it ways too vast to adequately explain here. For the â€¨mother, she may become infertile herself. Some 30-50% do. She may find â€¨herself practicing destructive behaviours, which ensure that she never has to trust anyone again, or she may become ill and/or suicidal.â€

(1999) Relinquishment and abjection: A semanalysis of the meaning of losing a baby to adoption. Patricia Doreen Farrar, RN, DNE, BA, MA. University of Technology, Sydney. â€œFor mothers who lost babies to adoption, their loss finds meaning in the ultimate horror: it is abjection.â€ (Abjection: the act of humiliating or degrading.)

(1998) Postadoptive Reactions of the Relinquishing Mother: A Review
Holli Ann Askren, MSN, CNM, Kathaleen C. Bloom, PhD, CNM
â€œConclusions: The relinquishing mother is at risk for long-term physical, psychologic, and social repercussions.â€

(1996) Birth mother loss: contributing factors to unresolved grief. Michael De Simone, Ph.D. Clinical Social Work Journal. Vol. 24, No. 1, Spring. One mother who participated in the study said, â€œnothing could have ever preparedme for the shock and pain I endured after I met my son. To see him for the first time grown, to realize how senseless and needless the separation was.., to really experience the real reality of the loss is something I cant even find the words to express. The reunion was ecstasy. The pain comes after when things hit you in phases, the loss that can never be filled in no matter what we do together.... I have come to terms with the fact that the loss will always be there, that the pain will always be there.â€

(1995). Donna Portuesi, MSW. Silent Voices Heard Impact of the Birth Mother Experience:â€¨Then and Now. http://www.americanadoptioncongress.org/grief_portuesi_article.php
â€œThe following list of â€œbirth mother lossesâ€ was compiled by the participants of a two-day workshop and retreat that I facilitate for birth mothers: infant/baby, continuity, baby image, innocence, acceptance, self/self-worth, confidence, spontaneity, ability to grieve, memory, feelings, feeling loved, courage, education, â€œgood girlâ€ status, virginity, control, right to mother hood, pride, choices, excitement surround pregnancy and birth.â€

There are also many articles written on the negative effects on the child from being separated from his/her mother. Feel free to email me if you want more, or would like a copy of any of the articles.

MamaKate

I do.

I highly suggest you carefully research your other options (have you considered granting temporary custody to someone you know and trust until you can get on your feet?) and that you learn about ALL sides of adoption before you make a final decision - there are lots of things that you will not be told otherwise (Like "open" adoption is NOT enforceable). It would also be wise to wait until AFTER you have given birth - your feelings may change when you see your child.

Several other posters have given you good advice, links and other resources to help you get started educating yourself about your choices!) You can also call 1-866-418-7884 - it is a 24/7 hotline for expectant parents considering adoption - IT IS NOT AN ADOPTION AGENCY. You can speak to people who are either adult adoptees or first parents who will give you the information that agencies won't.

Good luck to you and your baby!

Dan B.

My Mom does ALOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

salaam

Have you considered open adoption? In an open adoption, you can communicate with your child and his/her adoptive family.

I'm sure there are people who have regretted adoption. But think, if they were able to see their child after birth, I doubt they would have wished they had chosen an abortion.

I don't know why your family and friends are against it, but ask them why they have these opinions. They might not have any.

I know several families with adopted children, and their parents made a wonderful decision. Some of the adoptive parents could not have children of their own.

Ultimately, you will have to decide what is right.

T R

Of course. People regret adoption. They regret abortion. And they regret keeping their children. All three options will cause regret.

I am an adoptee. I am also in the process of adopting two children. And I have assisted numerous young women in terminating their pregnancies. I have been involved with dozens of women required to exercise their choice and I don't begrudge any of them any choice they have made because no one is ideal or obvious.

So, please, beware of the people -- whether family, friends, or strangers here-- who tell you what the right and wrong thing to do is. It is not that simple and only you can decide what is going to be right for you.

I suspect that my biological mother regrets -- at times -- surrendering me at birth. But her choice to do so gave me a tremendous gift: A life with opportunities I would not have had if I was raised by a poor, uneducated, single teenager.

The children I am adopting were taken away from the parents at ages 4 and 6. They are emotionally scarred, not only from being taken away but also from the years of neglect at the hands of parents not at all equipped to be parents. The failure of the biological parents to surrender their children years earlier has caused real harm to these kids that will be with them for the rest of their lives.

I recommend seeing a family planning counselor who can help you realistically see what you are getting into and how that fits, could fit, or won't fit, with your own plans. When you are educated about your choices and what each one will mean for you, then you can make a reasoned decision. You aren't going to find much reason on here.

hbait61

Only you can make that choice. Can you carry a baby for nine months and turn it over? If you decide to do this I would definitely see a counselor to get through this. After baby is born you could have post partum depression and giving your child away can hit you even harder. But, if you go into this pregnancy knowing you are giving it away then it is easier to separate those feelings. I see you mentioned your family and friends are discouraging you.... Will they be there to take care of the child when youâ€™re at school or work? Will they be there to feed baby when he/she gets up twice a night, change its diapers, it's a huge financial responsibility.... I noticed you mentioned that dad is out of the picture... Does that mean you will be able to get child support? It wasn't you alone... Also, if you know who the father is before you can put the child up for adoption you'd have to get his ok... Then you have to deal with the what if's... What if he wants custody of the child can you deal with him raising the baby... B/C then you could possibly see this child every day.... If you know that you are not ready to be a mother, you are making a GREAT choice for someone that cannot have their own child. You will bless a family. I am 100% for adoption NOT abortion! Life happens; I think you are very smart for looking at all your opportunities!!! It will be extremely difficult for you to give up your child, but, if you know that you cannot raise it and give it the love, nourishment, financial support etc... Then you are making the right choice.... If finances are what are turning you away always remember there are programs to assist families, WIC is a great program for new mommies, which are not quite ready... Perhaps if you have not finished your goals of the work force and you are still getting your feet wet, perhaps the family and friends that are discouraging you will help you... If you think at all you can do this ask them.... If they are not willing to assist you then look at adoption... It's a blessing for another family!!!

I know a lot of families that have adopted and they have provided a wonderful home for the children. If you find a family that wants to adopt your child, they can pick up the costs of the pregnancy, medical, maternity clothes, food, etc... I don't know what your situation is. Babies get adopted quickly. Find a family and if you are not ready then you are making a good decision.

Good Luck to you!!!

lilacbaby14

If your baby cant be supported then your baby has no reason to live. I am very happy that you thought of adoption instead of abortion. THere are many people out there who can not have children and have the ability to raise a healthy and happy child. i am completely for it. But be careful because most of the time when a women sees her baby she falls in love at first sight. avoid watching the ultra sound or listening to the heartbeat if you can. because that will make you melt. have the doctor do it but keep it all to him/herself just to be safe. good luck.

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