Does anyone think it would be worthwhile to pursue my biological grandmother?

Lori A

Everyone is entitled to their opinion including your adoptive grandma, but that should not give her the power or the right to keep family members who are clearly old enough to decide for themselves who they want in their lives from meeting them. I'm sure you can find some who do not like the control freaks lifestyle either, like maybe the first mother.

Her selfish agenda is causing detriment to your father's health and to your own. He may be willing to sit back and let her have her way, but his health is not the only one at risk here. You have rights too, and those rights should be acknowledged. Why should you, your children and your childrens children have to suffer because she feels everything is fine, and doesn't like someones life style? I'd pursue it for yourself. If your father doesn't want to know, that is his decision. It does not have to be yours.

rachael

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!!!!!

if your father does not want contact, then so be it. but i would absolutely contact her. liberal.....pffffttttt.....oh well. i love my little bio grandma. she is awesome!

cantstopLinnyG

I just laughed out loud at your grandmother's reasoning...being a liberal! Hahaha! Sounds like my adoptive Mom.

Do you think he is saying he's not interested because of how your grandmother is? So many adoptees are like that.

As an adoptee, though, I have to say that is really your dad's decision. He may indeed want to meet her, but is not ready.

I think you should discuss your concerns to him and tell him you want to find her, and see what he says.
BTW, I think it is total BS your grandmother has this information and will not give it to her son...a grown man with children of his own...a man who also has medical issues. This is an adoptive parent with serious control issues.

kitta

Okay, are we talking about the "liberal lifestyle" of a 60s "hippie"?

Seriously...it could be that your father's adoptive mother has firmly placed your dad's natural mother in the past. Lots of 60s "liberals" were nothing more than teens of their times. Or college students.

Today, she is probably a person in her late 50s or 60s.

She is your grandmother, too.

Just my opinion here, but I think you do have the right to search for her. She is your relative and I don't think that anyone has the right to tell you that you cannot search for her, especially someone who is not related to her(your adoptive grandmother, who is standing in your way)

It also might help your dad to get some information about himself.

Heather B

If it's worth it to you then yes, absolutely. People forget that adoption affects future generations too. Your history, your heritage - go for it. It's nobody's business but your own and don't let anyone tell you it's not your place to know your family history, they're spouting dangerous nonsense.

Good luck

HappyMomAnna

When my children were 17 and 18 they urged their father to get his original birth certificate... because he could in Oregon.
He lagged and delayed because he wanted to protect his adoptive mother...

My children didn't pressure too much but talked with their father about the issue often enough.

Eventually, decided to take the steps... He was adopted in 1962. One suggestion I might make is that Sticking with the Health History doesn't always get too far... My son started with the same line on his father... sincerely right down to thinking he had heart problems!

It was far more effective when his children talked about the REAL desires they had, interest, curiosity and need to know was pretty real to the grandchildren.

There is (last I checked) no real research done about the effects of adoption on the next generation--hopefully someone might get around to it one day!

SJM

She's your grandmother, and in your own words, it IS worth it to you. Of course it would be worthwhile. Don't let adoptive grandma's political opinion slow you down. Hey, as far as I'm concerned, adoption is part of the liberal agenda. Maybe you should stay away from your a-grandma because of her liberal lifestyle? ; ) Of course I'm not serious about ditching a-grandma, but her opinion is nothing more than just that--an opinion. You have the right to form your own based on first-hand knowledge.

You also have the right to know your blood relatives. You have the right to know them just for the sake of curiosity and/or peace of mind, and you owe no one an explanation. Yes, I think it would be worthwhile. Good luck.

gypsywinter

You have every right to know your family of origin. I say go for it. Your adoptive grandmother needs to butt out. Your father is a fully grown adult and can decide for himself. Neither of you (Dad and you) need the adoptive mother's (grandmother) permission to know from whence you came. Just remember though that your natural grandmother is not a walking, talking medical chart...she also is a human being with human feelings. Good Luck!!!

durdenslabs

Not only does your dad harbor these genetic problems but YOU may also be prone to them. For your health and your dads I would suggest finding your grandmother, telling her what's going on, and seeing if she could at least give you some family medical information.
If she won't, then at least you tried.

Valentine_Logar

I was adopted in the 50's so had all my records sealed at the time the adoption was finalized. Like your father I had some health issues that were genetic and potentially tied to ethnic/racial descent; these all started manifesting in my 20's. My mother had some information but not a great deal. I had to wrench it from her over the course of about 3 years, despite the issues of health and not having any information about ethnicity which had always been an open question.

I ultimately got what I needed and got the files opened. I had information from my teen years that my mother had let slip. Then the information she finally shared with me in my 20's. I went to an Adoptees Rights Group to act on my behalf in court and as the intermediary with my parents in the initial meeting. I got my questions answered which was great and helpful.

snowwillow20

Yes, I think you should pursue it, but be up front with your dad and grandma. No good comes from secrets and lies.

WSMA

I would, just so you can have any questions you have answered and get information on your medical history. You'll need that type of history if God forbid something were to happen to you and your adoptive parents' history wouldn't help you if you have an incurable form of cancer or AIDS for example.

MamaKate

Dear Joey,

You will never really know unless you try.

I wish you the very best no matter what you decide to do.

Peace.

David Corpus

I would absolutely do it. I would suggest getting a doctor involved so he can explain the details and purpose of doing so.

I can understand why your grandmother might want to shelter your family from the birth mother, but I believe the reasons outweigh the consequences.

You may want to offer your grandmother and his biological mother confidentiality where she would go to (or otherwise have contact with) the doctor without direct contact with you, and you would have anonymous access to her health records without knowing her identity. (Doctor / patient confidentiality.)

twinsmama06

While this issue obviously affects you - it is not your decision to find her. As old fashioned/ridiculous as your grandmother may sound to you - she is an adult and may have a very good reason for not involving the birth mother in your lives. It could just be fear or stubbornness on her part, but maybe since she knows the birthmother she has an actual valid reason. The term "too liberal" could mean a lot of things that she doesn't want to tell you - like mentally ill, drug addict or maybe she knows the birth mother wants to keep it a closed adoption and she doesn't want your father to know that to save him those hurt feelings.

This is also your father's decision and not yours. If he is not ready or not wanting to meet his bio mom than maybe need to respect that.

Are you expecting that she will show up and make things better or different for your father? Are your expectations realistic?

I don't mean to sound negative, but I think you should talk more with your grandmother and your father and let this be their decision. You are obviously a loving daughter and your father is lucky to have such a wonderful daughter.

BrewerB

I don't know that you would want a long lasting loving relationship with her and to get your hopes up for something like that could hurt you pretty bad but a few letters phone calls or emails won't hurt anything and you could use the medical history for yourself some time down the line.

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