Does it ever make you wonder why people sit on adoption waiting lists for seven years plus?

julie j

Hi Kit-E-Kat,

Thank you for parenting through the foster care system. That is where my own parents adopted me, and that is where the need is the greatest. There might be a horror story going on, but in my opinion it is not that prospective parents have to wait that long, it is that there are children available that they are rejecting.

If somebody is still waiting on a list to adopt after 7 years, then the problem must be with them because there are plenty of children out there who need homes. I would guess that if they have met the requirements, then they are being too picky about what child they will accept.

They probably want a healthy, white, newborn baby. Last statistics I heard there were about 90 couples waiting for every one baby fitting that description. Whatever their reasons are, no babies come with any guarantees, not even biological ones.

If they really want to parent, then I would suggest that they widen their range of children that they feel capable of loving.

Thanks for asking our thoughts. Congrats on your new family.

julie j
reunited adoptee

Edit to add after your edit: I don't see why they cannot foster parent and still adopt a child if one should become available and they meet that child's needs. You're right - they would still get the parenting experience. It might even help them to become better parents. And it might show them that all children are lovable - not just infants. In the U.S, we have a foster-to-adopt program. Why have an empty house and complain about no children when they don't do something about that!

Torrejon

I agree that it is a shame that there are so many older children rejected simply because they are not babies. I also agree that it is a shame that people who claim to want to parent, only want to parent babies.

I think we need much, MUCH more public awareness. I hate to use this word, but...advertising. People need to know the truth of the situation.

Laurel J

Amen, Kit! If people want to hold out that long because they "have to have" an infant, it's their choice and their problem. I salute you for fostering instead.

Lillie

You mentioned that you are in Australia.

Now I don't claim to be an expert on the adoption situation down there, but as I understand it, fewer adoptions are taking place because fewer mothers are putting their children up for adoption...because they don't feel the need to (better assistance programs, housing, etc.).

The fact that more mothers are able to keep their babies should be a good thing, shouldn't it? Any family that doesn't have to be separated due to poverty or lack of housing is a good thing, right?

As far as the Australian foster system, I don't know about that, but perhaps many of the kids currently in the system aren't available for adoption? I don't know. Sometimes kids are taken from their homes while their parents are given an opportunity to clean up, get off drugs, get counseling, etc.

I'm sorry for the people who are waiting to become parents, but when it comes down to it, shouldn't we be more focused on seeing family units kept together and adoption used as a last resort when they simply can't?

Edit after your edit: Oops I guess I did read your question wrong; sorry! lol

Maybe there's a (totally WRONG) stigma against foster kids...you know, they are "trouble", they have "problems", they are "difficult", etc.... IDK I'm just guessing.

tish

it's not surprising at all, to me.

with the exception of some wonderful people who will adopt kids in the system; most paps want bouncing gerber-babies fresh out the oven.

so quite honestly, i'm not too torn up about a 7-year wait. primarily, because that's their choice. i just get annoyed when those who overlook existing children come on the board whining and bashing women who have abortions, as the reason for their long wait.

it's called preference and choice.

ETA: and i must repectfully disagree that babies give you more time for error. babies, IMO are MORE demanding than any other age group, hence, one needs to bring their "A-game." any parent who wants a baby because they perceive it's easier, needs to talk to a couple of parents with infants. besides, "margin of error" only works well with stats, not human beings.

Snickette

I totally agree Kit. Hubby and I adopted from foster care, and that's the only type of adoption we would ever consider. I agree 110% with what you're saying, they want a baby because they can't have one naturally, which is very sad, but there are so many children who would give their eye teeth for a forever home, constantly being overlooked. It's terrible. I say Amen to you hon!

ljsmum

I am in the process of becoming a foster carer and i agree with you totally. I guess that the parents who are waiting for a baby would not have chosen adoption had they been able to have one themselves. While i understand their need for a baby i do think that they should consider adopting older children as i am sure when they do they realise they can bring so much joy to them. Ideally those who adopt would be people who want to help any child and give them a loving home. But the reality is that there are many people who will be wonderful parents who adopt because they cannot have their own and of course it is right they adopt. I hope to adopt myself one day, when my own children are older and i will adopt children who need to be, whatever age they are.

Heather B

Australia has it all right, in my opinion.

Children in foster care should always be considered for adoption first. If you want to hand=pick your perfect baby, then you shouldn't complain about waiting (not you personally, but you know what I mean)

Adoption should be about the child first, not the adopters list of pre-requisites.

mscrawdad

I waited seven years right here in the good old USA. I was signed up for the fost-adopt program and agreed to take any child/children available. It just happened to be the county I was in was desparately understaffed. I didn't just sit around waiting either. I called about every six months or so to see what the newest holdup was. I got answers like, it got filed away in the wrong section, it got lost, it's been sitting on the desk of someone who retired last year. No one in my county was getting children. I had two birth children so I didn't have that need that some folks do to go through a private agency or attorney and it never crossed my mind to look overseas - too many homeless children right here in the US. Plus, this was 20 years ago and things were a little different back then. They were where I lived anyway. Five of the seven years was waiting to get my name to the top of the list for a group of 12 prospective adoptive parents (some couples, some singles). The group study and home study took one year to complete to get our foster care license, then it took another year to match us. We were put up to be matched with a sibling group of 3 (soon to be 4 - birth mom pregnant). Only one other couple was interested and they were matched with the kids because they had no children and we already had two. The panel felt going from two to six would be more difficult than just having four children permanently. We were offered a sib pair, but parents were fighting to get them back and were so far following court orders to do so, we said no to being matched for those children. We were put up for an infant because the mother pulled our packet of potential adoptive parents, but chose another couple. We were then told about two sisters in another county they were having difficulty placing due to some real problems with the birth parents (whose rights had already been terminated) and the children, but they weren't sure what all the problems were. We told them we'd be interested in learning more. Months of phone calls and letter writing and 100 mile trips one way later they told us we could have the older child, but not the younger one because she was "unadoptable". Anyone hear that term before? Used on a two year old? She would be institutionalized for life. My maternal instincts kicked in big time and I lowered my horns and went into battle. Four months later we brought both girls home. Seven years from start to finish. And just so you know, there is never a finish line with any child adopted or birth. You are their Mom forever. She's 22 now and schizophrenic and mostly lives on the streets. We had 10 very good years before her mental health and physical problems (brain damage) made it impossible to educate her in a regular setting. She went to a residential treatment facility where we visited regularly even after the state asked us repeatedly to relinquish her to them so we were "spared" the financial and emotional drain she was placing on us. Does the system need reforms? Yes. These social workers actually thought we would give up our child to them because she was a problem! They didn't have a clue that we could never give her away - ever! Now, she calls regularly and lets us know she's OK. I beg her to come home and go to treatment and I'll go with her and she can help me take care of my disabled nephew and all of my cats. She tells me she can't. That maybe one day she will be able to, but she loves us and the one thing that keeps her sane is that she knows she has a home to go to and a family that loves her. Now what if I had released her back to the state? She would probably be dead by now. Her sister is fine and married and has given me two beautiful grandsons and gets so angry at her sister. She doesn't understand why she won't come home and let us help her. She just doesn't understand how horrible a disease schizophrenia is. On the lighter side of that story - we apparently adopted three children and didn't even know it. Her one hallucination (she has audio and visual) that never goes away is the guy in the hat and trenchcoat. He's been a part of our lives since she was 14 years old when she was first diagnosed with early onset schizophrenia. We've all had conversations with him using her as an interpreter, she never takes on his persona, he's just there talking to her. She said when he visits she knows her meds aren't working. But he is not always a benign presence reminding her to take her meds. He very often tells her to kill herself and others (most often - us). That is when she self-mutilates. She does it to keep from hurting others. Most of the extended family is terrified of her. But I know in my heart she would never hurt any of us. She would step in front of a train first.

Sorry about the book. It's just that seven years must be a long time to wait if you don't have a child and if the laws in your country won't let you adopt your foster children, I understand why they wait. They would have had to pry that child out of my cold dead hands to get her away from me and still would. They don't foster because they are already grieving for a child of their own and to have to give up children would be too much for them. Seven years seems like nothing when you finally get that child or children you've been waiting for and know that it is forever. Thanks for your question.

LaurieDB

Being both adopted out of foster care and infertile, I'm just going to say exactly how I feel on this one. Just because I couldn't have a baby doesn't give me the right to whine about how not enough people are giving up their babies so the all important "I" can have the baby of my heart's desire. I mean really. Cut me a break.

My parents adopted me out of foster care. I'm very glad they were willing to take a child who was a bit older. Now, I also know that if I hadn't been fair haired and blue eyed, I'd have been hanging out in that foster home longer, because those were my father's requirements.

There are so many kids in foster care. If adoption is the loving option, then why are folks more interested in waiting for a baby than in loving a child who needs a family? Remember, I'm an infertile woman speaking here, so I'm not insensitive to wanting a child very much and having to face my inability to produce one.

It's just very selfish in my opinion to put an adult's personal "desired specifications" above the needs of children in foster care, when the adult wants to be a parent, after all.

Faith M

My husband and I have an approved home study to adopt from foster care but we do not feel able to be foster parents. In our case, we have two young biological children and it would be very hard on them if we were to foster. They are so eager to have new brothers and/or sisters and it would break their hearts when the children had to leave. To be honest, after dealing with the system, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable having the state constantly involved in my personal affairs. I'm not sure how things are in Australia but here in the US one of the reasons it takes so long to adopt is simply red tape. It took almost a year from the time we requested an application to adopt until our home study was approved. We had to ask for an application three or four times before actually receiving one. We promptly did whatever was required of us but social services seemed to drag their feet at every turn. After we turned in all our paperwork, our home study was lost for a while and we had to call every few weeks to see if they had found it. Each time our social worker acted very nonchalant and would tell us she would check somewhere---sometimes the very place she had already told us she would check. Finally they found it and we were approved but they didn't even call to tell us---we had to call and find it out. We've been waiting for a few months now and haven't heard anything. I've tried calling our social worker to touch base but she hasn't returned my calls. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if it took several years to be matched at this rate. In fact, sometimes I wonder if we'll be matched at all. We're open to sibling groups of up to two or three and are not particular on race or gender. We feel equipped to work with children with some disabilities. We've specified we will take a child up to age ten although we would prefer a little younger since the two children already in the home are younger. A younger child or children could be more involved in the same activities. It's not that we're being especially picky. According to statistics, there should be plenty of children in the foster care system who fit within our range. I completely understand your frustration about couples who only want healthy babies and won't even consider an older child. I just wanted to point out that some people may be waiting a long time because of problems with the system not because they aren't willing to open their hearts and minds to a wider range of children.

mommaknowsbest

I'm not sure what the process is for Australia, but here in the states people that sit that long waiting for an adoption match situation do so for one or more of these reasons:
* They are too specific about what type of child they'd like to adopt. If you go into adoption saying "infant, white, female, blue eyed and blonde" you could end up waiting a very long time because there aren't that many exact matches available to give that to everyone that wants it. It's the same if you are so set in stone that you will only accept an adopted child of a certain race and no others.
*The waiting adoptive family may not be selected for a match based on their profiles or too specific wants in an adoption that they won't budge on in agencies. Biological parents who are involved in choosing with an agency the parenting placement they want for their child(ren) aren't going to pick people that come across as rigid and "this or nothing" type presentations or situations.
* The waiting family may have stopped their process at some point to put it on hold due to health or sudden financial changes and it will therefore bump them down further on a waiting list for a situation when they do decide to reactivate their adoptive status (and update their homestudy if needed).

Waiting families won't always go to foster care because most cases in foster care adoptions involve alot of special needs situations that most people do not feel equipped to properly handle in their lives due to medical, phsychological or physical conditions. Sometimes foster care situations involve taking on large numbers of siblings as a group and most families are not equipped financially or in space to take on 3 or more children at once. Not all foster care situations are like that, but many of them are in one way or another.

Some people are so braiinwashed into thinking that if they adopt a baby they don't inherit someone elses past or bad situation rather than looking at the child as a whole and an individual that they could love and accept just as much. It is unfortunate that even in today's society of advancements that we still think the "healthy baby that looks biological" is the best way in adoptions. As an adoptive parent myself, yes, my husband and I were blessed to have our son from birth when we came home with him. Alot of people don't realize he's adopted because he does resemble us in many ways, but even if he were half martian or didn't look like us in any way at all, or even if he hadn't been an infant when we adopted him and became his parents we would still have taken him as our family and son and loved him every bit as much as we do anyway. Some people enter adoption and can't see the forrest of opportunity and love waiting for them because all they see is trees and problems.

On a final note, most adoptions in the US on average only take 18 months at most to finalize from start to finish (though there are many that happen much sooner). One third of the US population is made up of adoptive families either directly or indirectly. 120,000 children every year are adopted in the US.

*Loren*

I think its a good question, and since your a foster parent i understand where your coming from, BUT, my personal reasons for not wanting to foster but wanting to adopt is because i cannot bare the thought of getting attached to a child and then losing that child.

Fostering may not be for everyone, just like adoption.

Hollista

Everyone has the right to choose what kind of child they would like to adopt. I have great respect for everyone that has adopted an older child. Especially sibling groups! I grew up in a foster family, so I can appreciate the value of foster care and the impact it can have on a child's life. Thank you for what you do.

But speaking as a pre-adoptive first time parent, adopting an infant feels like the most natural move for me. I'm 28 years old. I do not feel fit to raise a 10 year old child, or even a 3 year oldâ€”if for no other reason than inexperience.

Babies give more room for error. You have time to wisen up before they can talk back! ha :)

But more than anything, I think people just want the full experience of parenthood, from the very beginning. Especially first time parents. I'm not sure that's something anyone can completely grasp until you find out that you cannot have a biological child of your own.

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