Does race really matter?

hesterthehester

Just don't assume that because you don't see race that he wont, and that everything will be rosey. There are many good books about this (email me if you want a list of them, other wise I assume you have fond and read some of them).

How are you going to react when he comes home from pre-school and asks what "The N Word" means because a 4yo called him that.

How is your son going to feel when he's in second grade and someone calls him that and he knows what it means? How are you going to help him through that?

How are you going to feel and react when you and he are out by yourselves and someone calls you a "Nr Lover"? How's your son going to feel about your reaction?

Or when you walk into a restaurant and you get looks from EVERYONE (Caucasian and African American). How is your son going to feel when he realizes everyone is looking at him?

Do not assume the African American community will great you with open arms.. Many will not. Every time you go out in public you will be judged.. Is his hair perfect? If not it's cause your Caucasian. Did you cut it before he turned one? Is he acting up?

How will you feel when a business in town tells you that your family is not welcome there?

How will you answer when he asks if he will be pink when he grows up? And if he says he wishes he was pink?

When He's 16, and reaches to get something out of your purse, and in a blink of an eye security has him up against the wall for stealing....

I am not saying this because I think your doing a bad thing. My wife and I (Caucasian) have an African American son, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. It is the BEST think that has ever happened to me. I just want you to be prepared, and know what your getting in to.

When we go out we are never strangers in the same place twice.. Everyone in town knows who we are. We know where we will be welcomed with smiles, and we know where we will get looked down on.

-HtJ

Freckle Face

Yes, race does matter!

It is essential that you learn all your can about the child's culture and heritage. Adoption should be all about the child. You will have to try to view life thru his eyes. Let me explain.

1) Go into a neighborhood that is all African American. How do you feel? By placing your child in an all white environment this is how your child will feel everyday.

2) How does your body language react to a large group of African American people. Your child will notice these subtletys.

3) How will you defend your child against racism? You have probably never had to deal with racism before and its alive and kicking in America.

4) What happens when your son is pulled over by an officer? We have to teach our children to keep their hands in plain view, do not reach into your pocket for anything! If you had a white son, this would not be an issue.

5) You will not be able to be everything to your child. You will need diversity in your church, schools, neighborhoods, and friendships. Your child will need role models that look like him that he can relate too.

6)Your home will have to reflect pride in your child's appearance and culture. Such as pictures on the wall, magazines in your home, the music you listen to, and even the shows you watch. You know the little things that we take for granted. Diverse children's books too.

7)And where in the heck is the disney fairytale about the african culture? Oh yeah, Lion king. Why couldn't they show people with brown skin? Why did it have to be about animals? Why did my daughter say "I can't be a princess. None of the princesses have brown skin." That is where knowledge of her culture came into play. Knowing that she actually did come from Kings and Queens.

8) Hair and skin care is huge.

I could go on and on here. My opinion, yes you are very capable of raising a child from another race. To do a good job it takes a lot of work, committment, and strength. Don't go into this blind. Start your research now. Jennifer gave you a great book to start reading. "In their own voices". Find out from the agency if there are any support groups for you. If not start your own, I did. Tell the agency to hand out your number to any new multi-racial family.

Love is not enough. I will tell you this, i am such a better person from raising my daughters. I would do it over again in a heart beat. I am so proud of my girls. It wasn't always easy but oh so worth it. Any way i can help, just email me anytime.

All the best:)

snow flake

In any other situation I would agree with the other answers...that race doesn't matter. But as an adoptee, I have to say that it's hard enough being adopted without adding race into it.
Are you thinking about how the child will feel growing up? It's easy as an adult to be strong and ignore the looks and comments...even well meaning ones. But as a child, it's a whole different experience.
I grew up in a family where I was the same race but looked so very different from my adoptive family members. It was less obvious, but looking different made me feel very different and the outsider in my family. I can only imagine that being a different race would be even more alienating.
Since you've already made up your minds, I can only hope that you will be sensitive to how the child you adopt feels...because it's not about how you feel, or how you THINK he should feel, but it's about how he ACTUALLY feels.
You say, "It's our life," but I totally disagree...it's not YOUR life, it's the adopted child's life that you're talking about.

cmc

I think it is a great idea - however you can't go into it thinking race doesn't matter at all. For example you would want your child to have other black people in their lives so they don't feel like an outsider. You want to make sure they have lots of exposure to AA culture, and that you embrace that in your home. You need to provide an environment where an AA child can thrive and grow - just be aware that it might not be the exact same environment you would provide if adopting a white child. Even things like hair care and skin care are different for AA kids. I know in Oakland california there is a group called PACT that does a lot of education about transracial adoption you can check them out, and maybe find a local group too (www.pactadopt.org).

Jennifer L

Absolutely race matters.

Race is an intimate part of who a person is, so of course it matters. Adopting transracially has its own challenges. They aren't insurmountable, by any means, but you do need to understand and prepare for them. The biggest thing is to divorce yourself from the myth that race doesn't matter. Parental love may be colorblind, but we don't live in a colorblind society. You need to be able to prepare your children for the experiences of living in a non-colorblind society, which will be different than your experience as a caucasian person.

Provide healthy, adult role models that are African American. Read about caring for ethnic skin/hair (this is a big one) and connect with African American people who can advise you. It's NOT the same as caring for caucasian skin/hair.

Let me recommend a couple of books: Inside Transracial Adoption and In Their Own Voices.

Good luck!

ETA: Freckles! Check out "The Frog Princess", ( the may change it to The Princess and the Frog) next Disney Princess movie! (About time!!!!!)

Lillie

I wonder how many people who say it does not matter are white, and how many are not white.

It would be interesting to hear from the AA adoptees who actually grew up in a white family.

Have you read blogs by TRA adoptees? That's who you should be asking.

Heather B

To the adults no it doesn't matter.

To the child - heck yes it matters to them a whole lot. I know adoptees who have looked into the mirror and seen a white person. Adoptees who've scrubbed their faces so hard to 'get the color off' they want to fit in. It's heartbreaking.

People who are saying it doesn't matter are not seeing things from the child's perspective at all.

Gaia Raain

Race will sure matter to the child who has to grow up in a family of people who look nothing like him/her. Why not put all that money toward helping the mother keep her baby? That's what would be best for the child. In fact, if you're truly interested in what's BEST for the child, why not adopt through foster care? There are over 100,000 children in foster care waiting for families. You could help the mom keep her baby, and STILL adopt through foster care - because it's free!

Possum

OK - most of the people that you've received answers from (mostly the one's with the most thumbs down) - have NO idea what adoption is really about - let alone what adoption for a trans-racial adoptee (TRA) feels like.
You need to research A LOT.

Adults may think it means nothing - but to an adoptee - it means a whole heap.
Here is a blog from a TRA from Korea - and in the columns either side - she has a huge array of links to various forums and blogs - and oodles of information - please read up -
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/

Adoptees already have a whole heap of issues - because they aren't raised by the mothers that they expect to - the one's they grew inside of for nine months.
(they will know the difference - and yes - it matters)
To add loss of culture and heritage onto that - can cause a heap of grief for TRA adoptees.

To be the BEST adoptive parent - you need to read and research a whole heap (especially from adoptees) - you need to try to make the child's family larger - not just replace it with another (adoptees don't make choices to leave their mothers - those are adult decisions) - you need to allow the adoptee to know (in person if at all possible) their first family and know their own story (important for better emotional and psycholgical growth - they need to see and hear and know those that look like them - act like them - have talents & traits like them) - you need to validate the losses they feel (for however long that may take - and that could be a lifetime - as many things can be triggered throughout at various times) - you must never put down their first family, as they are part of the child - you must never insist that the child take sides (again the child had no choice) - and you must never expect the child to be grateful for their adoption (again - they didn't ask for it).

Above all - love that child with ALL of your heart - just for who he is - not for who he isn't.
(ie - if you have been unable to have a bio child yourself - don't make this child try to fill those large shoes)

All the best.

SHAUNA YVE

Well my opinion is going to come from the birth mothers perspective... me personally never once thought about race. The only thing that mattered to me was finding a couple who would love my child like they would love there own. I think that people are people and that sweet little baby is going to love you and need you no matter what the color of your skin is.

ivtecpakiness

i think thats gr8 idea, race shouldnt matter a child is a child

Rhonda

Race doesn't matter. To me, it is all about the love and guidance that you are willing to provide a child. I feel that people who adopt are the salt of the earth, and I hope that the future brings you nothing but happiness!

adam

it seems odd to be honest, but if you think its the right to do thats youre choice. its really great that youre trying to enrich someones life.

Crucio

Race does not matter to me and it should not matter to anyone. Sadly we live in a world where people still make a big deal about it. Race is an issue because people make it one, its truly sad as underneath we are all pretty much the same muscle,fat and bones.

If you adopt this little boy you will need to prepare him for the harsh reality of racism, you and your husband are also likely to get some pressure from people who will think that you have betrayed your own race.

I would also talk to your close family if they are not ok with you adopting a child of color. I would think long and hard as it would not be the best environment to bring the child into a family that is not going to accept him or her. Unless you were willing to cut most ties with your family. Learn hair care or find a salon that does black hair. Let the child know its ok to be the color they are, the lord wanted people to be all different colors and shades. I have always said diversity is the best way to go so if you adopt this baby or any baby make sure they are exposed to diversity, that they have different cultures/races around them. Make sure you learn about their culture as well; get books on Africa, if you can find out what country the parents are descendant from that would be even better. If

You should also make an effort to develop friendships with black people, and other non-white people, if you donâ€™t already, if you do more friends is always good. You might also consider joining a group for parents who have adopted transraically.

You might be able to get some insight from this forums at adoption.com

http://forums.adoption.com/transracial-adoption/
http://forums.adoption.com/african-american-adoptive-parents/

Erica Z

I think that as long as you are going to give a child a good home and a wonderful life then it shouldn't matter with anyone.

Randy B

My family consists of the following:

2 x caucasian parents
1 x east indian adopted daughter
1 x caucasian biological daughter; and
1 x first nations (north american indian) adopted daughter.

It (race) has never made a bit of difference to us. We all revel in who we are as individuals and we bring parts of all of the different cultures into our family. Race only gets to be an issue when "we" (society) make a big deal of things.

Good luck with the adoption.

momma2gle

I think it's wonderful!! I wouldn't care if the baby was purple or yellow!! You will get looks from people that are judgemental and racist, but who cares? The majority of people will just dote on your baby and how beautiful he or she is!!
Congrats!!

BTW, I find it hilarious (not really) that the people on here who have said that race doesn't matter are the ones getting the "thumbs down" instead of the people who think any adopted child that is a different color is going to have major problems and would have a horrible life!! My father's sister wasn't able to have babies so she adopted all three of her children. The youngest is of a different race. He didn't go through a hard time because his skin color was different. I'm sure that some kids might have that issue but it isn't the same for every child!! And that's not a reason to not adopt a baby of a different race... I think they would be much better off with loving parents whose skin looks different than never adopted at all. Some of these people need to realize that we all have our opinions and that opinions are not necessarily right just because we think they are!!

stevegarza73

thats good it dosent matter the color of the skin or the race people who think different should go to hell

Nikkie D

No I dont think that Race matters. I think it is a wonderful thing which you & your husband are doing. A baby is a wonderful gift for anyone no matter their colour, religion ect. But, to the child this may cause issues when he is older. In saying that he will realise that he has different skin tone to his Mum & dad and therefore you would just have to explain to him that he had a diffferent "tummy mummy" & that even tho people have different skin tone, everyone is the same underneath & there is no doubt as to how much you love him etc.

Once again I think you & your husband are wonderful for looking beyond your own colour & giving this little one a chance.

Best wishes & good luck to you all xx

~Mommy of a BEAUTIFUL baby girl~

i think that is completely awesome. race DOES NOT matter. as long as you love and take care of the baby everythings kool. if there were only more people in the world like you and your husband, itd b freakin great.

Joseph, II

It matters ONLY to those who have "Issues" with it. And THEIR Issues aren't YOUR problem. So go ahead with the Adoption, & Congratulations on Your new Son ! :)

Landon's Mommy

A family is a family, color doesn't mean squat.

Jamie

race dose not matter but most afircan american people are GREAT at sport and they r VERY GOOD at NFL

Hunter and Madilynns Mama!

I think that it is a great idea! Take away the color and we are all the same Race shouldn't matter!

12isthyway

If you have to ask that question, maybe you should rethink the whole idea. Maybe you're not ready to commit to raising an African American Child, Because race doesn't matter at all.
You should ask yourself that question!

Alyssa's mommy

You have the chance to adopt an infant next month! Who cares what color the baby is, you have the chance to get an infant so very soon! Jump on the chance!

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: