Doesn anyone think?

BPD Wife

I believe that when adoptees are young, they do require special *attention* maybe not necessarily *treatment*. By special *attention*, I mean that an adoptive parent needs to be more aware of things the child may need because of the adoption process. Perhaps it is more bonding, perhaps it is more space for an older child, perhaps it is learning more about his/her culture, etc. I think that a parent who pays attention to these things and reacts accordingly to the needs of their child will help immensely with a child's adjustment. Every parent needs to be attentive to their child, but I think adoptive parents need to be more aware of certain things, and attentive to things that other parents may not worry about. I hope that makes sense.

I think the same goes with adult adoptees to some degree. While some adults are very comfortable with who they are and do not want to learn any more info about their roots, some may feel awkward or angry because of their situation. People in general will react to different situations differently - regardless of whether or not they were adopted. For example, I am much more willing to discuss my infertility openly than my husband is. Does that mean he requires *special treatment*? I don't think so. I just think that people need to be aware that no two people are the same. The answer to this question is really dependent on the person who is involved in the situation at that very moment.

Laurel J

I don't understand what you mean by "special treatment." I do agree that there is very little point in anyone's "asking for sympathy" no matter who they are, particularly if by sympathy you mean pity rather than something more akin to empathy. And I don't want people to feel that they can't talk about adoption or anything else around me. They may get a debate, but they'd get that on almost any topic, as I enjoy a debate.

I do feel that one thing my a'parents got right was their willingness to not only accept but celebrate the fact that I am different from them. They treated me differently--but also equally, i.e., no better and no worse--than they would have a child who had been born to them, because I wasn't born to them. They let go of any idea that I should be like them, look like them, think like them, etc., early on, and my life has been much the richer for that. So, I believe, were their lives.

Certainly neither of them would have presumed to answer a question like "[B]ecause YOU are adopted, [do] YOU need special treatment?" for me. They would have said, "I can't answer that. I'm not adopted. Ask my daughter or my son."

LaurieDB

Apparently the state of California thinks I need "special" treatment as a adoptee, because it denies me unconditional access to my own factual record of birth. This is a right that all non-adopted citizens have. The only reason I don't have it is because I was adopted by someone. (People who are relinquished and never adopted retain that right.) My adoptive status grants me special treatment by the state, indeed.

amyburt40

I don't think that I need special attention but the state feels that I do warrant it. I have been told by state legislators in Indiana that we need to protect "birthmothers" from their unwanted children.

I don't want anyone sympathy but I want adoptive parents, natural parents and adoptees to stand up for their rights.

rachael

i dont feel i need special treatment or people to tippy toe around me, but most of my family does. i make light of it, im adopted, its no secret. but on occation i will make a light joke and many of my extened family gives me a funny look.

some are more sensitive than i am. and i think many do need more compassion. which is fine. they deserve it.

'-hlepeachother-sizzlefrap

I'm an adoptive parent and have always been open to my children's needs/ questions.
I have found that as an adoptive parent that my adopted children act like any other children out there. Sometimes there really
happy and sometimes there really sad..........there really my children adopted or biological. I don't have any biological children so...
Love unconditional love that's all its about.
I think your a person who seems well adjusted and wants not to be treated any differently then anyone else.

whatever!

I think it depends on the child. if they went thru a tramuatic peroid in their lives before they became adopted, they may need the reassurance that they are wanted and loved. I think each child is different so their experince with adoption will be different as well.

lilmomma

I have to agree with some of the other answers. It depends on what all that person has been through. Some have adjusted better than others. There are some people who can talk to anyone about anything and some who are more private and feel that their story is personal. Everyone is different.

I however am much like you. I would like to be treated the same as anyone else. Just ask me what you are wondering or what you have heard about adoptees. Don't just assume or "tippytoe" around what you would like to know. We just happen to be comfortable with our past or how we came about. Many are not. They feel as though they will be judged or that they will be treated differently. As much as some would like to think it, we are not all the same or are gonna feel the same as others. It just depends on what all that particular person had been through.

PinkLemonade

My little "brother" is adopted from within my family. (He is actually my second cousin.) We got him when he was 11 months old. His mom was addicted to drugs and she would forget to feed him for a couple of days or just leave him in the car seat in the house and go to parties and other stuff. His dad was a scumbag who never even wanted to see him. I love him but my parents definently give him extra attention. And when I complain about it they always just say they give equal attention. Or sometimes they say "oh well he had such a horrible life as a baby". So I've just learned to deal with it because they will always be that way with him.

Kiera G

I am adopted, too and I feel the same exact way. If people want to ask me something and they seem uncomfortable about asking it, I just tell them, "I don't bite, just ask me the stupid question so I can answer it!"

bessiedarlin

I think that people believe "special" as meaning you were selected, hand-picked by them and/or for them. Whereas as a biological child they have no choice over.

goodquestion

This doesn't make any sense. It sounds as if someone said something to you elsewhere and you're bringing it to Y!A. I haven't seen any question or answer that suggests people are afraid of asking you questions.

And when you say special, do you mean "special", as in riding the special bus, or special, as in being treated like a diva?

Do you think you are a diva? Or someone with physical or mental challenges? Your question just doesn't give enough info to know what it is you are worried about.

Bella

I have an adopted sister, and she doesn't really need treatment, just more love and care than the biological children of the family. I think the adopted need more attention because sometimes they might feel left out and not cared abut. When they're older and find out that they are adopted, and remember their childhood, they might be like, "Oh so that's why no one really cared about me or loved me like they did my siblings, it because I'm adopted, its because I'm not their real child". I think the best way to keep a child away from feeling like that is to not even mention that they are adopted in the first place. If you love your adopted children as much as you love your real ones, then why put them through all that by telling them that they are not your real child? And if you are the adopted child, why would you want to experience that feeling?

littleJaina

It totally depends on when the child was adopted, and what the pre-adoptive situation was like.

For newborn adoptions, I think the babies probably do need more "skin to skin" time than biologicaly children, simply because the smell and sounds are not the same as they were in the womb, so there needs to be additional bonding time. Within a few weeks though, this need should wane off.

For older children, it depends on what their foster life was like, their current age, and what they want. A teenager, for instance, may need more space so that he/she could adjust to the new situation - the same may or may not be true of a school aged child. Some of them may want lots of hugs to make sure they're loved, some may want to be more reserved. It's always important to shower the "newcommer" with love - but you may not want to do it in a physical way depending on what the child needs.

I know my brothers, when adopted, were very different - and they are biological full siblings. The younger one was in the same foster home since he'd been born. He was naturally very affectionate, and so he ALWAYS needed more hugs than other people, but during his adoption there was no special need for them. He would easily let you know when he wanted hugs and kisses, and that was that. The older one was a different story. When he came to us he didn't know HOW to give a hug or a kiss. He would stand woodenly like a log for hugs, and simply say the word "muh" when giving a kiss. This is because he'd been in SO many different foster homes since he was taken from his biological mother, who had kept him with her on the street for the first six months. Since he had to be taught these basic signs of love, he obviously needed more physical attention and care. He's 25 now, and openly gives hugs and handshakes as if he'd always known how - but the first year or so, in particular, was very hard on him. Even after he learned how to give and accept a hug, and a kiss, he was never a very "cuddly" child. The process to "normal human interaction" was slow... it just takes time.

Just like everyone else, adoptees are not all the same. Now tow biological children will ever be exactly the same either. I was not a "huggy" child... and neither was one of my other biological brothers... but two of them could hardly be seperated from my mothers lap. The key with adoptees is just to watch more closely than with other children. They may not feel as comfortable in the adoptive situation, and so may not actively seek out the level of attention they desire, so adoptive parents just need to try to be more "aware". Other than that, just follow your instincts as a parent.

I'm special. My parents picked me out. That is what I think about my adoption.

Alex F

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