Ever since having my own child I have been thinking of my own adoption?

LinnyG

What you are going through is what almost every adoptee goes through when they have their first child. You now know the bond a baby has with his or her natural Mother, and cannot comprehend how you survived without your first Mom. Seeing how your baby responds to you...his own very flesh and blood boggles your mind, doesn't it? No matter what the reasons for our relinquishments, having a child always brings that original pain of losing our first Moms right back to square one.

Most adoptees begin their search for their biological parents shortly after giving birth. It is an undeniable urge, and a natural one. We grew up with strangers who loved us, as we do them, but seeing yourself for the first time in another human being usually sets the wheels in motion to find our first parents.

And isn't in insulting when someone (especially an adoptive parent) tells us that we need to "realize that you have adoptive parents who love you too, and that doesn't change just because you're older and have a child of your own." HOGWASH. Their insecurities are showing, and it is such a joke. WE KNOW THAT WE LOVE OUR AP'S. Our reunions have NOTHING to do with our love for our adoptive parents.

"If you alienate them about this, chances will be much harder to find out information. If they won't do it now, I urge you to at least provide the information in their will for you."

B. S. As an adoptee who has been in reunion for over 20 years, and also knows hundreds of adoptees in reunion, keep your adoptive parents out of it. Its really none of their business. Your biological family is NOT related to them. MANY adoptive parents ruin their adoptive child's reunion. Most ap's dont have much reliable information anyway, or the info they have is incorrect, due to lies by the agency, or lies from their own mouths. While it would be nice for them to share any info they may have, if they haven't yet, chances are they never will- and you do not need them anyway.

Please do not listen to adoptive parent's advice about reunion. It is skewed, and full of guilt, just as the response is that I pointed out.

Here is a great site for adoptees which is an amazing place to sort through all of the emotions you are dealing with right now.

http://www.adultadoptees.org

Damitra

It is sad that you or many other's don't realize this till you actually have your own child. It is a very traumatic event for any mother or child to go through. I know I was separated from my son, not by choice. It was completely unnatural and should never ever be expected as being so and does effect you the rest of your life.

You may never be able to completely shake those feelings, it sticks to you like glue. I would suggest coming in contact with other adult adoptees and possibly some first moms to come to terms and learn that the way you are feeling is completely real. If you haven't reunited with your natural mom, maybe now is a time you might consider it.

H******

This is very common, and normal.

Many of the adoptees who search do so around the time of the birth of their first child. I know it impacted me very deeply and made me realise just how traumatic the separation of mother and baby. From the point of giving birth I felt so much empathy for my mother, I just had to let her know that I was OK.

LadyCatherine

you may be projecting your feels in the your birth parents,,you may be thinking they felt things that you would feel if you had had to give your baby up..

find out the real truth,, find them and ask them what happen when you were given up for adoption..

sizesmith

It's very normal that the older a person gets, the more heritage and knowing things is important. As we age, when adopted and not, we seek out sights like ancestory.com more, and research our past. The older we get, the more it makes us realize how short life can be, and when you become a mother, you also become much more aware about things like adoption, and how close you might be to losing a child, and being lost.

I also think that searching is perfectly normal, and now might really be the time. There's many registries through the state that are free to little costs. The more information that you get on your first parents, and how your adoption was handled is very important.

I also hope that you can realize that you have adoptive parents who love you too, and that doesn't change just because you're older and have a child of your own. If you think they'd be reluctant to share any information, ask them because you've realized by having a child that obtaining medical background is important for both you and the baby. If you alienate them about this, chances will be much harder to find out information. If they won't do it now, I urge you to at least provide the information in their will for you.

Good luck, and I hope you end up finding that you have 4 parents who love you, not just your adoptive ones.

smarmy

Because it was a sad event, for you, and most likely your mother. It was only wonderful for those who received. You are now beginning to understand the dynamics of a child being separated by adoption. The great stories you were told about how wonderful it all is and was, are just that, stories, to mask the hurt. Your coming into your own reality and its painful. Best you can do is ride it out, explore it, experience it, and find others who understand it.

Protecting the baby

I am an adoptive parent (and Linny is just bitter). I think it's wonderful that you are thinking about these things now and I think it's common for this to happen. I have a male friend that was adopted and didn't think about his birth family until he had children. Then he wanted to know. He wanted to know why he was adopted, why he was given up, and he wanted to know who his babies got their looks from (and him for that matter) and his medical history. However, I think that in a perfect world, you shouldn't have to alienate your adopted parents to find your natural parents. If you do have control freak adopted parents that would forbid you from searching, I think you probably should do it alone so you can do it on your own terms (without them trying to sabbotage it). But if you have supportive parents, you should include them. My son (adopted) is almost 3 so I know I have a while before he starts asking a lot of the questions, but when he is old enough to search, I hope he comes to me and lets me help. I've worked really hard at getting as much information as I could to help him. I honestly think I could go and find them this weekend if I needed to. You don't have to choose between your 4 parents but you have 4 parents. There's never shame in that at all. Enjoy your baby and think about searching for your natural family. It could only complete you and make you a stronger person to know where your baby got his looks :)

Saix Puppy

Well, birth parents a lot of the time don't WANT to give up their child. But they do because they believe that's what's best for the child. Maybe they can't take care of the child. It's not sad when giving up their baby means a better life for the child.

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