Experiencing such Raw Emotions!?

Well, I have been reading and Answering questions here on Y!A in regards to my Adoption, My Childhood growing up in Abuse and my Fmom's inability thus far to Confess my Existence to her Family!

I confess to you that I cried today and I am usually Quite strong and able to Compartmentalize hurts when I need to but today I was unable to Hide the Anger!
I am simply saddened that I would have anger like this towards my Fmom like this but the truth is that she seems to have so much power over me and my future ability to have reunion with any flesh and Blood relatives.....Because she is so afraid of what anyone will think of her if she told the truth about my birth!
When I asked the Social worker who was the mediator in my search if She would give me information about my father she simply stated: "I cannot talk about him!" I mean What the heck does that mean!!!
Okay, She cannot cope with the full truth and seems to be able to just avoid this but why am I not allowed the right to know anymore!

Any of you have any comments/Suggestions???
Additional Details
I think that I need to be more precise here....when I wrote about Fmom I meant my First Mom (Biological)
I Know that I am her Only Biological Child as she was unabel to have more after me.
I Know that she does not want connection but apparently Her Siblings who she does not speak with do but she will not give the Agency Permission to reveal thier names/Addresses, and she does not want to Reveal Who my Bio Father is!
I hope this straightens it out a little more!
Thanks all and I Aplogize for any mistakes!

Lori A

I'm trying to find the right words for this. Maybe since she can't help you with reunion you should go ahead and work around her. You are entitled to a relationship with any family members who will have you. That includes her other children if they are of legal age, your father, aunts, uncles, grand parents, cousins. I know how frightening it must be for her but she is not considering any ones feelings but her own.

She has no right to keep you from other family members. It would be ideal if she could accept her past, but her inability to accept does not have to define your future. Who knows, once outed she may change her mind. Once she see's that her world didn't fall apart.

Everyone knew I was pregnant. I hid the identity of my daughters father. After 35 years I was given permission by him to let go of that secret. You have no idea how liberating it was for me all those years after the fact.

If you can get your original birth certificate I would most definately do that. It does not mean that the name on it wil be your fathers but it will be yours and most adoptees can't have that information. From there you can look for other relatives. It's her secret not yours.

I hope I wasn't too harsh in my answer.

Not Adopted

It's not unusual to have a lot of conflicting feelings about your first mom, especially since she is fearful of a reunion. It would be better if you could communicate directly with her instead of through a mediator.

I think some others on this board mentioned that you can get your original birth certificate from the state of NH. Maybe you should try that so you can get her name and perhaps send a letter directly to her.

Please visit the adult adoptees forum, they can provide excellent support for you!

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

Freckle Face

Dear NH Adoptee,

I'm so sorry for your struggles. Please check out www.adultadoptees.org People who have walked in your shoes are there to help, understand and listen.

(((((((((NH Adoptee)))))))))

myst1998

First ((((HUGS))))

I am really sad to hear this is hurting you so much :( It also saddens me when I hear stories like this about mothers who are scared to tell their family about their child. I had an Aunt who did this... gave up a child and then didn't tell her family. I know about it as my dad told me after I lost my daughter. I tried to speak to her about it and warned her she needed to tell her other kids but she was afraid they would hate her and now its too late as she died a while ago. Very sad situation. I don't think her son was searching though. I just feel secrets have a way of coming out and being more hurtful if not told by the person holding onto them.

You have a right to be angry. They are valid feelings, very valid feelings.. I would suggest finding someone who specialises in adoption therapy, even if it is just to have someone to vent too. Also, get in touch with other adoptees who have experienced similar situations and see what they did. There are various groups across the net. Another thing, start reading adoptee blogs and surround yourself with others who have been through what you have been through, email them and ask them how they dealt with it, know that you are not alone in this.

One other thing is, write to your fmom (if you have her address) and be honest with her in a gentle way. But also be firm and let her know you would like to know your siblings, it is your right.

I wish you all the best.

Hugs,
Myst

Independ"ant"

I would suggest taking Maybe's advice for now or emailing some of the people on here that were adopted.

It pains me to hear of your situation and all I can say is that you're not alone, your situation is not unique and it will help you by talking to people that have been where you are.

You have every right to feel angry..everyone should be allowed to know the complete truth.

One thing that may help alleviate some of you anger/pain is to understand that everyone handles trauma differently. Some people can face it on and walk through it with little resistance, others block it out because they feel that they can't emotionally deal with it and need time to build up their inner strength(justified or not). There are women that were forced by parents not to talk about giving birth and placing their child, the were forced to internalize their emotion. Its hard for some of them to even acknowledge to themselves nevermind anyone else that they gave birth. They sadly live in worst form of denial.

"Because she is so afraid of what anyone will think of her if she told the truth about my birth!"

Either you mom is living in an environment that isn't very supportive and is judgemental or she having trouble breaking out of the past and is having difficulty getting past what has been engrained in her psyche.

I would guess the latter. Don't give up hope, give it time, and definitely talk to some other people that can relate to what you're going through.
You're going to find out the truth one way or another and your fmom knows this. Hopefully that will motivate her in finding away within herself to talk about it.

Best wishes

leila

exactly why can the SW not discuss dad? she needs to clear that up for you. If she can't go to your social workers boss. You have a legal right to the information. It could be that their is rape involved and that is why the social worker doesn't want to tell you. Will your adoptive mom talk to the social worker and get the info?

towanda

It can be very frustrating dealing with someone else's secret, and even more frustrating dealing with state/county workers that aren't being helpful. I don't see how the social worker can't give you info on the bio-father, unless he too does not wish contact.

Use some of the on-line resources other folks here have given you, but be very sure you want to do this. By forcing your presence you may be starting a chain of events that have far reaching effects. By me pushing the issue it caused my half sister to start questioning everything about her mother and eventually led to a rift in their relationship that was never repaired. Of course my half sister finally knew all the secrets (I never got the details but there seemed to be more than just me) and was able to make her own choices on matters.

KTea

I am in a similar boat. My biological mother lied about doing drugs and alcohol and until the age of eighteen no one was able to piece together the causes of numerous neurological conditions as well as mental.

I am emotional but, if my biological mother convo is left alone I am fine. I wish I never met my biological mother, father because knowing I have three full biological siblings and they can never see me nor I see them kills me.

To know as I did find my 16 year old biological brother through Facebook, I simply messaged him saying I love him and that once he was an adult and if he wanted to contact me, my door would always be open. Well, I got a nasty message back from my brother blaming me for everything that has happened, etc.

Many of you regulars know my story, my biological mother is nothing but cruel with her mind games and pathological lies. I had one relative tell me about her use of drugs and alcohol, my biological father drank a lot, this woman was my biological mother's cousin, they are like sisters but, she felt I needed to know the truth.

My biological still to this day blames the ministry for taking me away, hates my adoptive family, I could go on. But the thing that hurts me the most is knowing she has brainwashed my three siblings into thinking I am the bad one thus, they'll never want me in their lives.

But not talking about it and moving forward although for example my birthday can be a little bitter knowing what happened at my birth. Otherwise, I was adopted into a good family although I am having issues with my mother at the moment.

I feel your pain. Life

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