Fear of adopting a foster child?

Lillie

I read your question and I see a lot about you and your wants.

YOU want to be single. YOU want to be a mommy. YOU don't want your own biological kids. YOU don't want to face the possibility of losing a child that might be placed with you.

Have you ever, even once, thought about the child?

Do you think that an adopted child wants to lose the family he or she was born to?

If an adoption even needs to take place, the optimal situation is with TWO parents. Considering that most women who are pressured to place their children, are pressured for the very reason that they are SINGLE. YOU may not want a man but maybe the child you bring into your home might just want a FATHER...ever think of that?

An adoptee's entire life is based on LOSS. We lose EVERYTHING just so people like you get your wish to be a Mommy. Now, GROW THE F*CK UP and stop being so selfish. You're not ready to be a mommy; get a puppy instead.

Possum

If you want a child all of your own - you should have a bio child of your own.

An adoptee comes with a whole history before you - and looks, acts and has talents like a whole different family.
Adoptees don't want a fight over 'ownership' - that is all the adults making a mess of things.

It may be 'shitty' for a prospective adoptive parent to lose a placement - but it's absolutely in the child's best interests to grow up with his/her mother and bio family - if there is no harm present.
That's what adoption should be about - after all - the BEST interests of the child - not the best interests of the adult.

If you can't accept that - please DO NOT ADOPT.

An adoptee needs an adoptive parent that will honour where they came from - not try to pretend it doesn't exist.
I know - I lived it.

I repeat - if you want a child of your own - have a bio child.
An adoptee will never totally be a child of your own.
No matter what.
You might want to pretend otherwise - but it just can't be - and it is hurtful to an adoptee to have to take sides - when they have had no say in any of it.
If you can't 'get' this - please don't adopt.

Mom to Foster Children

I agree with Aloha and Possum on this one. While we did foster care with reunification as the main goal we were also an adoptive home. We were matched (?) with two little boys back in 06 and are going to adopt one of them next month. We have sent one back home and it's true when we say that children are better off with their parents / their history and their lives as it was planned in the beginning. They did not choose to be in foster care as they didn't choose to be removed from their parents care. Now, there are (obviously) cases where the parents do not follow their plan and these children end up being available for adoption.
Does that mean -

that they don't belong to their first families?

that they won't miss their first families?

that they don't share a bond with their first families?

that you are their parent now and they will forget their first families?

If this is what you believe, then DON'T adopt. These children have been thru hell and you want them to be YOUR child...when in fact they are NOT just your child.

Independ"ant"

Your fear is justifiable but go into fostering knowing "adoption" is about children that do not have parents or extended family to care for them. Not about having your need to be a mother take priority over natural families rights.

The definition of Orphan has been so distorted to accommodate Paps that they are confused and hurt when they don't get to adopt a child that really isn't an Orphan.

Looney Tunes

Your quote.......
"its real shitty when people ruin lives by placing a child not meant to be placed."

ALL foster kids are meant to be placed. What else do you want to do with them....leave them in group homes?

There are many foster kids that are "legally free" to be adopted. That means their parents rights have been terminated and they are basically "parentless."
Your friend was fostering a child that was not "legally free" and apparently the parent's rights were not terminated. Your friend knew that when she fostered that child.

In most cases, there is not TPR. 50-60% of foster kids return to their bio-parents.

BUT 20-30% of foster kids are "legally free" for adoption.

hbds

You'll never know what will happen until you give it a chance.

It sounds glib or trite, I know, but it's true.

Any one of my six kids could have something horrible happen to them tomorrow, taking them away from me forever, but at least I would have shared this time with them.

Good luck - your heart's in the right place, I think it's time to jump in the water!

Just Thinking

If you cant face fostering then adopting because of the possiblilty of this happening then try straight adoption. I know thats harder but it could remove that element of risk, having said that although it happened to your friend remember she has been able to adopt 5 other children and that's a success story, fostered kids need good loving safe homes and I respect and admire all those parents who open their homes and hearts to these children.

Ida Kno

Being a Foster Parent is an awesome and tough experience. Sometimes you get to adopt the child, sometimes they go back to their parent(s). It's just the way it goes. I don't know where you live, but generally there are classes to become a foster parent. Go through the classes and then you can decide if you want to take a child. You will have the right to refuse any child if they don't meet your needs (or at least that's how it works in my state). Just think, you could be a positive influence on a child for whatever time you might have spent with them. If you're scared about them going back, then just adopt a child, don't foster. If you're in the US go to www.adoptuskids.org to see children up for adoption in the US. These are children clean for adoption meaning that their parental rights have been terminated. If they aren't clear, it's clearly written in the profile.

I hope this helps. :)

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