Finding parents, two sets of parents,?

My husband was adopted and he knows few things about his parents, where he was born and what they looked like. His mother will not tell him anything about them and he is blocked from searching for them. I know his mother knows more than she is telling him because when I was pregnant with our first child she gave me a list of health concerns on his side, also she said his birth mother wrote him letters till he was 6 and then she told her to stop and let them be a family. I don't want to tell him about the letters because it could cause a conflict but I don't think it is right for her not to tell him anything. Is there a way around this and starting with practically nothing or should he just keep asking his mother. (it does make her upset and she has heart problems.)
Additional Details
His birth mother was 19 (on her way to college) and from a family who won the Family of the Year award in 1986 from Nancy Reagan in Indianapolis, his father was 16 and in high school. I tried to look up the family of the year thing but I found nothing on it. These are things she told me about his parents. The only time she saw them was in court when they "signed" him over.

Possum

Oh my.
I can't believe they've kept so much from him.
I would be so very very angry - and hurt - and disappointed - and hurt.
Please give all this info to your husband. It is his - it belongs to him.
His adoptive parents have no right to keep it from him - and you shouldn't either.

As far as searching - he can place his name on registries - ISRR is the most important one -
http://www.isrr.net/registration.shtml

Also try this one -
http://registry.adoption.com/

Both require that the adoptee or birth parent place their details on the registries - and if the other parties have also placed their details - details are matched.

Two other places to look re searching -
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/
http://adopteerights.net/nulliusfilius/?page_id=39

You can only get an original birth certificate if the state allows it - sadly only a hand-full do - the rest are sealed FOR LIFE.
Click on the states on that last list to see what state laws apply.

For any search - you'll require his date of birth - and where he was born.

I do wish you all the very best.
I cry when adoptive parents do this stuff. I really cry.
Your husband should have had those letters years ago. They are his. Even if they are addressed to his adoptive mother - they should be given to him. And to think that his adoptive mother drove away his birth mother like that. The only word that comes to mind - selfish. She's made it ALL about her - and NOT about the child. THIS is what is soo very very wrong with so many adoptions.

I wish you all the very best with the search.
If your husband ever needs support - send him over to -
http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php
A place started by adoptees - for adoptees.

grumppopotamus

Your husband is no longer a child. Searching for his heritage does not in any way shape or form negate the parents who raised him.

I think you should find a quiet time to sit down with your MIL and have a heart to heart with her. Let her know you think her son needs to have all of the info she gave to you. Ask her to tell him HERSELF. Let her know that he is not looking to replace her, but he needs to know.

Tell her that you don't feel right keeping this information from him and you'd like her to tell him instead of you. You may want to tell her that if she doesn't tell him by X date, you will do so yourself.

rachael

i went to the courthouse in the county where i was adopted with my birth cert. to the birth/marriage/death cert department.
i took my birth cert with me. i had to fill out several papers to be put on the adoption registry. what happens then is if you filled out the papers and the bio family filled out the papers then they match you up. i live in michigan and they told me that the case number at the top of my cert matched the originial one my birthmother signed when i was born. if he has any other info write it on the form.

there was no charge for this when i did it. i dont know if that is still true or not.
make sure you check in once and a while, to keep them working on it. i kind of got lost in the 'red tape' for a while and when i called to check my case had pretty much came to a screaching hault. but once i started checking in it only took a few weeks.

many adoptive parents feel this way. dont let him take it personal. i know my family thought i was looking to replace them, which wasnt and still isnt true. but i can imagine it does hurt a little.

if by chance you find out names, my birthmother and i found my bio father on classmates.com. he had a common name and we struggled to find the right one. but once she joined that it was only a matter of days before she was in contact with someone that knew where he was.

good luck. i hope it all turns out well for you and your husband

his woman giggling

Ask the mom who raised him for the name of the lawyer or agency so you can find out information for health reasons. You ask, not your hubby. She may be willing to give you that, then, you can both have better search results! Good luck! If his mom has a "family" or any other lawyer that you know of, go to them directly, they may not have the iformation but might be able to get it for you. (Try to side step his mom but don't stop searching! I think the birth mom has the right to know he is okay and has a family of his own now.)

Helena

Ask her. I am sure he loves her. Maybe she has her own reasons for protecting him or she is afraid of losing him. Either way, in his own mind, knowing more about his mother will give him peace. Yes, ask politely and explain why.

Lori A

Rachael and I wern't the only ones to be reunited through classmates.com I read another story yesterday about a man (I think) who went there looking for his mother and she contacted him. You do have to have some information to get started with that though. He had her name and where she went to school. Since your mother in law confided in you I think you should gently point out to her how much it is affecting him and since she does has heart problems, the life long ramifications it is going to have on him if he is never able to find out. It will, I'm sure change his feelings for her as a mother for being so selfish. Not to say that he won't still love her but there will always be that stigma that she created.

Big B

some times the past is better left in the past.you need to ask yourself, will it change who he is now,will it hurt more?unless he was kidnapped it might be better to let this sleeping dog lie.lots of luck I truly hope for the best

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