First Moms, If you could go back...?

sunny

I am an adoptee who's mother is 66. She doesn't do Y!A.

But here is what she tells me. She would never do it again. She has had a broken heart for decades.

She was a 'baby scoop era' mother and was made to feel there was no choice because my father wouldn't marry her. He also regretted it. I met him when he was in his 40's, he said he loved her, and he "should have married her".

Both had brief marraiges after my birth to other people, and neither had children other than me.

When I think of it, I just shake my head at the senslessness of it all.

But as many of us know, adoption is a permadent solution to a temporary problem.

jessica300

Not in a million years would I place my child again. There is just too much pain and grief involved for both of us.

After reading so much about infant bonding and feelings of abandonment, and "genetic bewilderment", and hearing my son say that he always felt different growing up in his adoptive family, I think, "that was never my intention". What mother would want to give that to her child as a legacy? That was not what I wanted for my son, but I didn't know anything about these issues, and no one ever told me, despite the fact that it had been well documented prior to 1984.

The long-term effects of relinquishment on mothers was also known, but again, no one ever mentioned them and I was too young and inexperienced to know the consequences.

I distanced myself from my family after losing my son partly because of the shame I felt, partly because of the grief, and that distance is still there. I'm not that close to my nieces and nephews who I used to babysit. I quit baby sitting them after losing my son. I didn't want to be around babies or children anymore. I felt that I didn't deserve to have another child, so didn't allow myself to consider having a family.

All of my siblings are good parents, and I doubt I would have been a bad parent. Now, when I talk to them I hear about the joys of welcoming a new grandchild into their family and I try to be happy, but it just makes me sad. It is a further reminder of all that I missed with my son.

Today, one of the more difficult things about losing my son to adoption is integrating the young woman that I was who lost my child with the woman that I am who is resourceful and much more experienced. Even though intellectually I understand the history of adoption, the societal views of it being a win/win situation, the pressures put on women by adoption professionals to get babies for their clients, etc., it's still difficult to understand how I could have let that happen to me. I still live with a lot of shame and guilt, grief and regret.

Andraya

Not in a million years. What I learned from loosing my son was that when you are vulnerable and ask for help people use it to hurt you more. I would give anything to take back the day when I asked for someone to help me get healthy, in the end I had to do it 100% alone and I could have done that without loosing my child.

snowwillow20

No, I would not do it. I would not want either of us to go through life without each other. My daughter spent the first 6 weeks in the hospital because she needed leg braces. We had no idea. Her adopted Dad died when she was 5. She was molested. Her grandparents treated her differently because she didn't look like them. She felt abandoned. She hated me because she didn't come from her mommys tummy. We are reunited and have both been in counseling. Things are good now.

Danielle B

no i would never have placed her up for adoption.......want to kno why....well 1 year later.....she died......not because of a diseas but becuase of abuse

magic pointe shoes

That is a really messed up question to ask. Part of my own personal internal battles is being okay with how my son is doing, versus the hypothetical of how he would be doing if I didn't relinquish him for adoption. How do I love unconditionally if there is that condition that wishes he wasn't who he was in the way he is now?

Sigh.

It's a messed up question to answer. Heck, it's a messed up thing to live with adoption loss influencing everything. I bet my son could say the same thing.

red&sassy

NO WAY!!!!

i can't even form the words to my thoughts, it's so emotional for me.

his woman giggling

I would do it again. The childs father and I broke up and then I found out I was pregnant. He tried to get back together but there were good reasons for the breakup. She is safe and with a very loving couple. They have stayed in contact with me and my folks over the years. I would definately do it again. And for the record, it beats abortion! She is alive. (Yes I have had heart ache, but I did what was best for her.) I am 43 she is almost 18.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

In the same situation and 21/22 years ago? Yes. I chose this before telling my mother, or anyone else (except the fob-father of baby) I had good reasons then and if it was 1986 and all was the same? the reasons would still exist.

Tmarie99

First, I am not a "mom" to the child I placed. His "Mom" is the woman who raised him.
Now, as to your question... Yes, I would do everything the same. Well, almost everything. I wouldn't have given a name on the birth certificate for the father. I would have listed "Unknown" because the asss wouldn't cooperate at all. He didn't want the child, but he wouldn't sign any paperwork. He dragged the process out 90 days longer than was necessary.

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