First Moms: If you knew your child would face such emotional distress surrounding adoption would you?

myst1998

Good question although sorry you have had those thinking they can answer for natural parents stick their noses in with unwarranted opinions (and ignorant ones at that!)

For me, I never knew adoption had research proving it is not in a child's best interests and yet I still tried to cling to her. I never wanted to place her and hence why I fought for her. Since I have read the countless research material, books, videos, personal accounts etc, it has only confirmed my gut instinct children and mothers are NOT supposed to be separated wherever possible. I truly have only ever believed children in cases of abuse or neglect should be removed from their families of origin.

Adoption is too commonly used today, especially in the USA and Canada for situations where a mother should and would be able to care for her child with more encouragement and support.

I never thought my daughter would have a better life, just a different life and the one not meant for her.

I see some adoptees say they had a much better life growing up with their adoptive families and that even though their nat mothers are in a good place now its only because they gave them up. I dispute that theory because it is purely based on conjecture and speculation. You can't know that because you were not there. Adoption can screw people up and destroy any hope to better them. Also once a child goes to school, a mum can start studying. Its has been done and will be done.

My mum went to uni while she carried me and when I was little. She only deferred for a year. Yes she was married but outside that they had no family support or even around. They were poor and struggled but my mum managed to get her degree anyway and she was only in her very early 20's.

Women disempower themselves when they say they have to sacrifice their children for their careers etc. As mothers, we are our child's universe. Abandoning them (in their eyes, even if we didn't choose to place) causes the biggest hurt they will ever, ever have and even so called 'happy' adoptees who supposedly have no issues with being adopted, I have still seen huge trust issues and a lack in confidence of who they are. Incidentally, this occurs in children from broken families as well where one parent leaves and is not around. As humans we are built to want to know our roots, our real roots as to who we were born to and how our ancestors came to be. Its natural and part of discovering who we are. To deny this, is to deny our self.

Lori A

This IS a tough one.

I surrendered her because of my family. There were no programs and I had no income, so this meant my mother would have basically been her mother too. That is why I made the decision I did. Not because my mother was a bad mother, more spineless. I told her what was happening to me and she accused me of lying. It continued for much too long because no one would take me seriously. So on that note I would have made the same decision.

If I had known that not all adoptive parents fit the image I had of them, if I knew before I surrendered that some adoptive parents were abusive both physically and mentally, I probably would have run away, just like I was accused of by the agency. It would not have been good for the first few years but I could not hand her over to my family so I know I couldn't have handed her over to strangers who I knew were going to do the same thing.

As far as knowing the effects, my decision probably would have still stood, because of the danger i felt she was in physically and mentally. I would have offered the effects to me willingly, in fact I did, just didn't know it at the time, to keep her safe.

Thanks Katie you made me cry.

ETA: For those who do not know Katie is my friend. I did not ball my eyes out over this, I got a bit weepy for a minute. Someone needs to calm down. I answered this question willingly and I stand by my answer. I do not feel like low life nor do I resent her asking. People want to know the answers to these questions and if it makes me sad for a second, I can handle it, all on my own. I'm a big girl now.

Katie, I know what's in your heart, you are very loved by me. I wish my own family could have been different. That ain't no ones fault but their own.

Flying Monkey #073177

You would think that I'd have known the pain of adoption well enough to also know it could cause my son pain as well. I didn't. When I lost my son I hadn't dug deep enough inside myself to see that a lot of my problems were adoption related, I thought I was just a huge eff-up.

If I had known then what I know now I would never have put him in care. I would have hid my disorder and sought treatment on my own. If he did end up in care I would have known that I had the right to fight to keep my family together, I'd know that I had the right to a lawyer and the right to continue seeing my son until a court decided based on the facts. I would have also known that he was at risk for emotional problems and that would have greatly affected my choices. I was told that keeping him would be wrong, that I could not provide a good life for him and that if he stayed with me his life would be awful, nobody told me that adoption can have negative effects. If I had known more about that side I would have been able to make an informed decision instead of jut blindly doing what I was told to do.

MamaKate

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

Had I known then what I know now I would have NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED IT. I LOVE my children and would NEVER want to place them in a position that could effect them negatively - ESPECIALLY on such a primal level.

It should be illegal not to disclose the factual information about adoption to expectant parents instead of the industry fluff before they make the choice to surrender a child for adoption.

Not Adopted

Not a chance!. But adoption agencies and society in general will never tell mothers the truth about how adoption hurts both them and their babies. I think they should be subject to a class-action lawsuit for refusing to provide their clients complete and accurate information about the life-long impact of adoption.

No mother wants her baby to be harmed yet adoption has great potential to do exactly that. Willfully withholding the facts is negligence.

jessica300

Had I been given all or even some of the facts I would not have surrendered my son.

As others have said, it should be illegal to withhold information from a mother regarding the effects on her child and herself.

Ta-Da

no because with me the problems would have been the worst! It is simple to look back and say things would have been differant if only but I can be sure I would have caused more pain. I would have made the same choice and now that I am overall educated about the effects of life on kids in general most have a prob to complane about anyway. I have reunited with my adopted adult child and raised 2 more and to be honest the A Kid is by far the most well adjusted of all.

realmom lese

My decision would never have happened if I knew what adoption really was about. And NO I would never ever make that same decision again. I went into it before not knowing. Now I know, and it is inhumane to do this to a child. And to a mother.

I seriously had no idea that my infant child would feel my loss. The agency made me feel like I was so expendable in her life, and these strangers were so much better than me. I never imagined that I was the only thing my baby wanted and needed. I was told otherwise, it was pounded into my head. I was called a birthmother at three months of pregnancy. My child was never called my own. She belonged to strangers. I was told I would not be allowed to see her, or hold her. She was not mine according to the agency.....and when this is drummed into your head over and over.....you come to believe it.

My daughter was raised in an abusive home. Her life was not even close to better. She has many issues from adoption with intimacy, trust, fear of abandonment.......too many to list. It breaks my heart that this is how she had to live. She knows my decision would've been different if I had known the TRUTH about how adoption affects both mother and child, and not the version shoved down my throat by the agency.

I regret adoption with every fiber of my being. I think newborn adoption should be criminal.

kitta

I did not want to surrender my child and fought against it.And yes, I already knew that adoption hurt kids.Several of my friends were adopted and they told me of the lonely feelings they had. I still have a poem that was written by a college friend(adopted) that describes her feelings of being adrift.Some were searching. My father had a client who was a searching adopted person.The man spoke of "not knowing who I am." This was before I got pregnant.

This was in the 1960s.

I started school very early, as a 4 year old.I had already completed 3 years of college before my 20th birthday(I became pregnant at 19).My family was very well-educated.I never thought my child needed a "better life" with another family.

My parents were convinced their business would be ruined if "anyone found out."They admit today, that this thinking was extreme on their part. The times were becoming much more tolerant and single parents were keeping babies within the family. It was the Civil Rights era and laws were changing.

My parents engineered the adoption, along with a corrupt agency.I was against it, and begged my parents to help me keep and raise my son.

They are sorry they did not help me. The people who adopted my son abused him terribly, even broke his bones.My son's adoption was a total disaster.

Philippa

I haven't read the answers yet but I have found your questions respectful.

Although I didn't choose to surrender I wish I had been better educated and researched the effect adoption has on adopted people and natural parents. If I had known I would have made sure I had got well away from my parents and that they hadn't known where I was living.

Over the years I was so worried about my son .... if he was alive, well, happy but abuse hadn't entered my mind at the time. It's only since I found him that I found out that not all adoptees have a good life. My son had a materially good life - nice home, clothes, holidays abroad and been to two universities although he never finished either course. Emotionally it wasn't so great but I don't think it was intentionaland I do believe that his adoptive parents regret not showing him more affection. They chucked money at him and now regret not being firmer with him but with showing more love instead of "showing" him love with money. However I do actually like them because they have been honest with me and they are making an effort to build bridges with him as they fell out in 2006 just before he moved in with me. I know my son loves them and will always be loyal to them which is what I expected.

I will always regret not having the knowledge and determination to raise my son.

Carol c

I never wanted to surrender my child in the first place; but I was 18 and given no other options. I believed what they told me finally - that my child would have a better life without me.

Now that I know what I do about adoption and the damage it's done to my son - I am furious that I was duped into believing this would be best for my child.

He needed his mother.

eryca k

I'm a single mother of 3 and my Aunt was also a single mother that had 3 children. She put her oldest child up for adoption. I know that she believed that her daughter would be better taken care of then what she could provide for her. They now have a relationship but it's strained because my cousin is bitter. I think that if my Aunt could do it all over again she would've kept her daughter with her.

The sad thing is that the two daughters that my Aunt raised were both molested and suffered abuse from men and one was addicted to drugs.

The one that she put up for adoption is a Registered Nurse and has 2 daughters that she gives the world but they don't appreciate her. So sad.

Dreamweaver ILF posse 2009

I'm a bmom..and yes I would have because I have no idea he HAS had any problems. I'm adopted and have no problems. So....my answer is yes. I did the right thing for that time.

There are a lot of people here that say: my mum is a Dr now so she could have taken care of me fine and done such and such...has anyone ever thought the only reason she did so well is BECAUSE she wasn't having to try and take care of a baby at 14 or 15? or whatever age? I never could be where I am now if I'd kept my son at 17 yrs old.

Justice

NO.

morrison2345

I am an expectant mummy, Due i July this year, and there is no way i would be able to give my baby up for adoption.

I would rather struggle through life knowing that they are safe and loved by me than not knowing weather they are safe, or loved or even being abused.

Chances are things would be ok, but i don't think i could ever take the risk, and always live with the not knowing.

At the end of the day though i am sure people who make the choice of putting there children up for adoption have a difficult time of it and find it the hardest decision in there life.

If you are in a difficult situation, i hope it works out for you.

W.VaButterfly

You know, this is a hard question to answer. you want to hear what you want to hear....The truth of the matter is, some biological parents do not want their children to suffer at their own hand or by their life, Some women are too immature for children and some just do not want them, but opt for adoption before abortion. There are no certainties in life. it you are raised by your biological or adoptive parents. Sometimes life isn't what we thought it would be. And we just have to make the best of any situation. I believe you MUST have been an adopted child who was abused. You are bitter sounding. But your question isn't really a question. It is an opinion, formed into a question.

Foxy Roxyy

If the person has any emotions at all, I'd have to say that OF COURSE they would reconsider if they knew the child was going to a bad home. I can't imagine them knowing the baby is going to a rapist and saying "eh that's fine". Seriously..

That's also why you make sure to find a reputable adoption agency if you cannot afford to care for your newborn.

Gosh I can't wait for a baby and here are others just giving them up..

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