First mom issue...ideas plz?

AnnaBelle

I'm sorry, but for me, drugs are a deal-breaker. Addicts are unpredictable. That's just the nature of the disease, and you can't trust your child, whom you are supposed to be protecting, in the care of someone who is not in full control of themselves. Kids know. I remember when my parents were drunk when I was really small (they're both alcoholics). I knew something was wrong, and I didn't trust them. Even as a preschooler. If you continue to let your daughter see her fmom in that condition, she WILL remember, and it will affect their relationship later on, even if A_____ gets clean.

However, cutting off contact forever? I don't know that I'd go that far. I WOULD, however, insist that she take a drug test before each visit. If she's clean, fine. If she's been using, no visit today, sorry. You can't control her behavior, or whether she seeks treatment, etc., but you can place limits and boundaries onto what you expose your (as in all of your) daughter to.

I'm sure you already know this too, but I would also make sure your little one isn't expecting her visits, so that if she shows up high, and has to be sent away, your wee one isn't crushed.

Being high is not at all minor, and you are well within your rights to place limits where addiction is concerned. Life over limb. You need to protect your daughter's safety first and foremost, and her relationship with her mother second. Besides, continually exposing her to that level of dysfunction will do nothing to further their relationship in the future anyway.

ETA: I also want to add...Sometimes when addicts are dopesick, they are also unpredictable...My brother was always meaner coming down than he was when he was high, and by nature, without drugs, he is a really gentle guy. You will have to assess on a case by case basis how she is doing at any given time. If she is really crashing hard, she may not be in any condition to see your daughter either.

I'm sorry. Dealing with addiction is not easy. :-(

Selena

Give her an ultimatum. Come completely sober to the visits or she loses the visits all together. That is now your child and your right to protect her to the best of your ability. If her child means that much to her then she'll get help or at least be sober for the visits.

Tia D

Never deny your daughter her first mum, it will come back to bite you down the track. To be honest I think that it's great that her first mum at least admitted to being high and didn't try denying it. I would suggest to your hubby that you allow contact on the conditon that she undergo drug testing before seeing the child and has been clean for a minimum of 24 hours prior to seeing your daughter. I would also demand the visits are supervised by yourself or your hubby.

Torrejon

Your child's bmom wanted contact? Child was agreeable to contact? You weren't even aware that bmom was on something? You were present so know that nothing untoward happened...didn't let bmom drive with child in her car (or other)...nothing bad happened nor could have happened...

I have a hard time understanding what you are concerned about. Bmom wanted contact and could participate in a normal manner with child...no possibly endangering situations resulted...you could have intervened if you'd noticed...

I am NOT saying that drug use is OK, nor that you should condone such behavior, nor expose child to such behavior. But, I wonder why bmom needed "drugs" to be able to face the situation. Wow, could it be that the situation is sooo hard/difficult for her?

I admit that I have occasionally needed a bit of "liquid courage" to face certain situations: my dad's funeral, for example. Should I have stayed away? No, I needed to be there. Was using a hefty Irish Coffee before the funeral to help me endure the emotion of the situation wrong? No, I don't think so.

FlyingMonkeySwatter

PLEASE....why why why is the idea that having the biological love of a drug addicted person outweighs the very very CLEAR danger a drug addict poses to a child? Both short term and long term problems occur = adults are role models and drug addicts are not good company or role models for a child. Period.

I totally agree keeping blood family ties are of utmost important and you've gone out of your way. And YOUR priorities are right. People here are going to call me judgemental here but keeping a child away from a drug addict far outweighs keeping blood relatives together. I think the natural mother is making a choice to and she should and probably does know the that by doing drugs she is putting herself and her relationship in harms way. She's choosing drugs.

You've also mentioned history with her going back some ways that also include drugs. Your hubby who is also a blood parent to this small child should have the loudest vote.

LindseyTaylor

I understand completely. Even though I had a slightly different situation.

My daughter's father was addicted to drugs for 7 years (on and off) every time he would say he was clean or every time I thought he was clean (even when I didn't notice he was still taking pills) he ended up he was lying to me.

I was faced with a decision of protecting my daughter and possibly having to prevent her from seeing her own father.
Even if you didn't notice doesn't mean it doesn't matter. Do not let anyone tell you that. Even she knew she was too "tweaked" to drive. Some people try really hard to hide it...doesn't mean their any less high. What if she was too high to notice she had pills or drugs in her pocket or on her clothes and the child ingested some? Or she was holding her and loses control of her body? Or God forbid she get confronted by a police officer and then you have to explain why the child you're responsible for is around a drug addict...

I'm not saying cut her out all together. I gave her father a bottom line: Stay clean and be clean or you can not see your daughter. Period. No exceptions. I told him I would be there for him as long as he was trying to stay clean...but not if he was going to not care about himself or his daughter.
She may need help...I don't know how close your relationship is but maybe you could offer your support, if for nothing else than for the sake of the child. Definitely don't just cut her off...for the sake of the child.

Simple, if she wants to continue the visits, she will need to enter a drug program and you will need to see the drug tests before visits can happen.

While she didn't put your daughter in danger this time, you have no guarantee that she wouldn't the next time. I don't think the door should be closed permanently, but she should need to demonstrate that she has made real changes to her lifestyle for visits to continue.

It's hard when dealing with people you care about who have addictions. I sincerely hope she gets the help she needs to continue to be a part of her daughter's life.

Pip

I am answering as a first mother and to be quite honest I can see your husband's point as well as yours.

The point is your daughter doesn't need to see her first mother high on drugs and without knowing how she was behaving whilst high on drugs it could have been upsetting/distressful for your daughter. A compromise is that you're willing to have contact BUT no physical contact if she has been taking drugs. I'm all for contact but it worries me when drugs are involved. You're doing all the right things but keep up contact and restrict visits for the time being.

Eliza

I know your upset with her and you have every right to be, but by trying to punish her from not seeing her daughter... you'll only be punishing your daughter. I grew up with out a dad and miss him terribly, even though he wasn't perfect I wish he was in my life. After all, he was my biological dad. However, her being drugged could be putting your daughter in danger so maybe try something like skyping or just talking on the phone... It's defenitley not okay to be high when around your daughter or yet alone by yourself... you should confront her about it. Tell her how upset you were to find out this took place... Let her know the rules, she is YOUR daughter and your only looking out for her

Sounds like your daughters visit was supervised by you and that is good. It is hard to know when some people are on drugs, you may have never seen them not on drugs and so they look normal to you.
You have been open with your daughter about seeing her first Mom. Frankly, I think she should tell her that her birth mother is doing things to hurt herself. If she calls again, you can tell her that you want a clean drug screen before you supervise another visit. And you can not drive the little girl to see her any more. So she will have to plan a visit in advance with you and time to be drug free.

ohman

never deny your childs first mother,she has the right to know who she is and the things she does when shes older she will understand perfectly but as if now its not right for her to be on drugs and letting her daughter see her that way but u obviously didnt notice it so why should it matter.i was raised with my aunt and my i was always missing my mother despute the fact that she was always high when i would see her i was 5 when i knew she was on drugs yet i still loved her company because no matter what she was my mother....i assure it wont be long till she gets herself together.

Enter Your Message or Comment

User Name:
User Email:
Post a comment: