First parents: Questions about names?

julie j

Hi Kazi,

Thanks for asking about names & for inviting adoptee responses too.

Like Anastasia here, I was also named by my maternal grandmother at birth. The name she put on my OBC is named after another relative. However, I was never called that name so I didn't know it until we were reunited with our natural mother years later. N Mom always used a nickname for me. Of course I came to identify that as my name over the next couple years. When I was in foster care, that nickname was still the only name used that I ever knew.

Then our AP's came along & changed my sister's and my names - first, middle, & last. I remember them telling me (not asking me, not discussing with me, but telling me) they were changing my name. I even remember the reason. They said my name sounded too much like another AP family member's name. I remember being confused and not liking it then. There was nothing I could do about it except try to adjust to yet another thing in my young world.

When I asked about my name when I was older, they tried to tell me they did not change my name, that it had always been my current name. I discovered in reunion I was correct about being lied to about my name, among many other things. Having experienced that, I feel qualified to state I am not in favor of changing children's names who already have names or of lying about it. I am in favor of anyone, adopted or not, changing their own name for any reason except fraud. Still don't like the name APs gave & am contemplating changing it someday.

I can relate to what Laurie said about the rules being unfairly different for children who are adopted. Changing a child's name appears to be one of those things that's far more important to many AP's than it is to the children. How many children would honestly come up with the idea to change their own name if it weren't on the AP's agenda? How many AP's would like their name changed to one of the child's choosing in order to be eligible to adopt? What if it were a name the child liked and the adult didn't? Why must adoption even be associated with any need to change anyone's name in the first place? If a relative of yours died, would you insist upon changing their child's name before you would accept responsibility for their care? Should it matter how old the child is? Of course not. They are already named. You accept the child for who they are because it is the right thing to do.

I think the option of renaming a child who is being adopted is still practiced today because many still want to believe it should be like a benefit for AP's. They paid their big bucks so they must be entitled to attempt to make "their" adoption experience as close to all the perks natural parents enjoy when they give birth to children and name them, right? Well, it's NOT the same thing, and the focus shouldn't even be on trying to make it similar for the AP's. It's not even about their wants or needs. Adoption is not about ownership of another person. Changing names smacks of ownership for AP's who may feel compelled to make a child more "theirs" than the natural parent's. It can make their possession feel more complete. It can make them feel more like parents. It further severs the original bond, and it often hinders the adoptee's ability to later trace their own roots. I can see the appeal for some insecure AP's, yet I fail to see how any of that can be done with the child's best interests at heart.

The child is already a complete person. To illustrate, it shouldn't matter if AP's always wanted a blonde child and the child who needs a home is brunette. It doesn't mean they should dye their hair to make the child adapt for their purposes of fitting into their family. By the same token, it shouldn't matter if they always wanted a son named Bobby and the child who needs a home is named Billy. The point is Billy shouldn't have to become Bobby in order to be loved and cared for. Children in need of alternate families can be confused or frustrated in the transition. Why add to that? What message is that sending a child? You weren't good enough as you were. We cannot accept you that way. I would question whether those AP's have an adequate grasp on what adoption is really about. Would that make them the best-qualified applicants to care for that child? Say that 2 otherwise equally-qualified PAP's are interested in becoming AP's of the same child. One family plans on honoring that child's original name & one does not. Ask yourself which is the better placement choice?

Let's not forget that adoption is meant to be what's best for the CHILD! A name is often the only thing a child has left from his/her first family after losing literally everything & everyone else. It's a part of who he/she already is, and I don't believe anyone should have the right to take that away from a child in order to meet their own goal of having a child by a different name. And they shouldn't try to project their own desires and claim it was the child's idea either. It's clear that the first moms on here did not want their children's names changed. Some AP's are willing to accept children for who they are, rather than for whom they want them to be. Those who understand should be the only ones adopting in my opinion. Ok - I think I've gone on & on long enough for now - LOL. Thanks for considering this point of view.

julie j
reunited adoptee

PhilM

(1) My mom named me.

(2) My adoptive parents changed it. According to them, they never knew the original name. (I have no reason to think they're lying about that.) My mom wrote them a letter, asking them to keep my first name, as it was very important to her. The nun she gave it to, the one who promised to give it to my adoptive parents, never did give it to them. (Again, according to my parents, and I have no reason to think they are lying.)

(3) Through complete accident, my first name became my middle name. I think she's used to my new first name. I think she's a little disappointed by the change, but she hasn't talked about it much.

(4) I was named after a friend of my a-dad.

Gershom

1) I was named
2) My name was changed.
3) I like both names. In fact out of coincidence ( or maybe fate ) I used to pretend my name was my birthname growing up. I would name my dolls my birthname, and my diaries also had my birthname. My name was changed when I was 6 months old.
4) my middle name is after my amom. Her family has a thing they do where they name the daughters middle name after the mother. So my amoms middle name is her mothers, my middle name is my amoms. Its cool. I'm okay with it I guess. I mean, I had a name, and it bothers me that it wasn't honored and it was changed, but Social Services didn't even tell them my name, they told them they had to change it. I'm more annoyed with them than my aparents.
I didn't continue the "middle name after the mother" thing with my children. I think my amom was disappointed. I gave my children hawaiian middle names like my original name instead.

Andraya

I named him and they kept it as far as I know. I am sure his first name was kept since I ran into them when he was seven and was introduced to him, oh the heartache that day! Middle name may have been changed but I hope not, surname was changed for sure.

I was not named as a newborn and was called baby girl or just baby until I was 3 months old. Was then named after some country singers wife and I hate it to this day. I haven't gone by Andrea since I was 10, it has either been Andie or Andraya.

Zuko

I'm an adoptee, not a first parent, but I do know the answers to your questions, if that helps.

1) Yes she named me. I haven't had the cojones to ask her what exactly that name was, but she had named me.

2) No, my AP's changed my name, and TOLD me they changed my name.

3) She says she does... But I think she was more infatuated with my last name, to be honest. (It starts with ZY.... A little odd)

4) I was not renamed after an adoptive family member, so that's irrelevant in my particular case.

-------------------------ETA----------...
Because of your question here, I decided to shoot my f-mom off an e-mail to see if she HAD named me something different... So thank you!!! I found out something new that I didn't know before!

It's really weird... My a-parents did almost the same thing she did though... My parents named me Katie-Lynn with a hyphen...

Cheryl named me Krystin Lynn with no hyphen but with both being my first name. (For the record, I love the two in one first names!)

And the fact that my initials would've stayed the same is pretty cool... well, except for the last name. :D

So Thanks! I wouldn't have thought to ask had you not posted this question!

LaurieDB

1. Did you name your child?
I was named at birth (and my first family raised me for a while.)

2. Did the adoptive parents keep or change it?
My name was changed at two years of age (when adopted.)

3. If the name was changed, do you like the new name?
It was okay, but I never felt it "fit."

4. Was your child renamed after an adoptive family member? If so, how do you feel about that?
My first name was a derivation of the saint to whom my mother frequently prayed. My middle name was an adoptive family member's name. Ironically, it was my original middle name, as well. It was a common middle name in my first family.

I actually didn't like having my name changed. As an adult, I had my name legally changed.

When I was about 10, the neighbor's down the street renamed their 2 year old. They changed his middle name from John to Paul. I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday standing outside on the front lawn and my mother saying in a disapproving tone, "Who would change a two year old's name?" I looked up and said, "You changed MY name when I was two." She replied, "That's different. You were adopted."

That conversation was the first time it struck me that being adopted means the "rules" don't necessarily apply. I didn't think about the incident much for a long time, but I never forgot it, either. It was so odd to me that being adopted turned something of which she disapproved into something that was fine to do. The message that I got that day was that it's not okay to change a child's name. On the other hand, it's okay to do it if the child is adopted. Adopted people don't have to be treated the same or by the same rules.

Don't get me wrong. My mother and I were very close and I loved her dearly. I just didn't understand her thinking on this one, nor did I agree with her decision to change my name.

LindseyTaylor

1. Yes I named my daughter

2. The adoptive parents changed it, it was very emotional..i was NOT happy with the fact that they changed it..

3. I named her Maleah Jade, they changed it to Ava Malone, a family name for them, which i felt was very disrespectful to me and to her. What about her first family? They get to have her life, a part of her life that I will never know and they could even let me have that little part of her life.

4. It wasnt a family name, it was a name I thought about 24/7 for 9 months. singing it to her, talking to her, growing to love her. and it seemed like such a slap in the face, they seemed so thankful that i had chose them but they didnt seem to concerned about my feelings..

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

my maternal grandmother named me. then it got changed in foster care. then it got changed again in another foster home. then i got another name when i was adopted.

i don't appreciate it.

i was named after my a-grandmothers, which i like, but that's hardly the point.

BOTZ

I am not a first parent but an adoptee.

1. My natural mother named me.
2. My adoptive parents changed it, but they didn't know my original name (adopted during BSE).
3. I've never liked my first name*. It rhymes with a LOT of things. It doesn't go well with very many last names -- including the one I grew up with. *sigh* Luckily, I married into one that does sound pretty good. I have a pretty common first name, but people are ALWAYS misuderstanding me when I say it or calling me by the wrong name (when they've known me for months).
4. My middle name is a middle name used in every one of my a-mother's siblings families. I have 5 cousins (one in each family) with the same middle name and 12 second cousins with it. UGH

*Above is about me. My natural mother doesn't care for it either, but she uses it. She did once write me an email addressed to the name she gave me. It didn't feel right...I can't explain why. I like the name, but it didn't identify as "me" in my mind.

Here's an interesting thing about names. When I was 4 (a pretty pivotal 'identity' year for me), I created an "alter-ego" that I would pretend to be when I was playing make-believe. I gave her a name and an occupation. Her name? Somethings VERY similar to the name my first mother gave me. Her occupation? My mother's occupation from age 18 (before I was born) until age 50! I don't care what anyone else thinks...that's pretty COOL to me! She has told me that she talked to me all the time while pregnant and (of course) I "went to work" with her every day that she was pregnant. Hmmmmm...

Blank slate? Not so much.

ETA: Gersh, If I have any daughter's in the future, they will NOT have the 'traditional' family middle name in our fam, either. I don't know if my mom will be disappointed but if she is, it will be nothing new. My DH's family has a tradition too, which we have also vowed (to each other) NOT to continue. He is one of six boys -- all named with "J" names. He hates it. Each brother has named a son, "Dad's name Junior". So, we have 5 nephews called "JJ". It's annoying. *sigh*

Laurie, the realization you had at age 10, about your mom's thinking...that story broke my heart. I've had those too...about how "that's different" because I'm adopted. *sigh*

Felicita1

(added in a fifth question)

1. Did you name your child?

Yes.

2. Did the adoptive parents keep or change it?

Changed it.

3. If the name was changed, do you like the new name?

No. Neither did he. It was a very odd and ugly surname given to him as a first-name and easily mis-heard as a type of birth-control method -- he got teased endlessly.

4. Was your child renamed after an adoptive family member? If so, how do you feel about that?

He was named after their family friend.

5. What is your child named now?

He legally changed his name back: his first name now being his original first-name, his 2 middle names chosen himself (one being the first name of his natural father, James), and his surname being a hyphenation of my surname plus that of his natural father.

purple monkey dishwasher

I am an adoptee. My parents changed my name. I hate my adoptive name, it doesnt fit me very well.

Anyway, I found my birth mother and she doesnt like my adoptive name either. My birth name definetly fits me!

I know naming your child is a big deal to adoptive parents, but I say, why change it if they already have one. At least keep their first and middle name. The child looses their whole identity in closed adoption. Why take the last piece of that away?

My sister who is also adopted, changed her name legally back to her birth name. I've thought about it too, but I dont want to upset anyone, even though I would prefer it.

baruupk

1) We didn't pick a name, but asked that the adoptive parents consider using either "John" or "Daniel" for his paternal grandfather.

2) Because she's a teacher, the a-mom wanted a somewhat unusual first name, because a job hazard of teaching is getting that kid you just can't stand who has the same name as your child, and having bad associations with the name from then on. They did make Daniel one of his two middle names. (Ironically, Aidan went from being fairly unusual to being the 2nd most popular boy's name the year he was born.)

3-4) We knew he was going to be named Aidan Daniel, so that's what we named him, too. Technically they changed his name by adding a 2nd middle name, which is for an adoptive family member. We like his name OK - didn't have any strong preferences.

5) Even though we told the hospital what his name was going to be, they insisted on naming him the ever-popular and oh-so-melodious "Bufa" (Baby Up for Adoption).

Lori A

I didn't name her. I didn't want her to go through the anxiety when she found out that she could have been a Rachael instead of ********

There were other reasons too but that is the only one I am willing to share at this time.

so what happened? she goes by Rachael anyway, has for the last 20 years or so and we only met 9 years ago. go figure.

MamaKate

1. Yes. I named both of them. We put a great deal of thought into their names. (I knew they would be changed and even discussed naming them together so that we could all agree but the APs did not wish to do that.) They wanted to call my daughter "Francis" and I said that I would not allow the adoption if that was going to be her name. I have a dreadful Aunt Frances and think the name is awful. They picked another name which is less distasteful, but I still hate it.

My son's original name was "Christopher Egan". "Christopher" after his father and means "Christ bearer", "Egan" means "Little Fire".

My daughter's original name was "Lucinda Quinn" - "Lucy" for short. "Lucinda" was after one of the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most intelligent women I have ever been privileged to call my friend who suffers from MS. We asked if we could use her name and she cried and said she was honored. (She was aware that we were having these children for my "friends" who could not conceive to adopt and was aware that it would be changed also.) We made a special trip to see her so she got to see and hold her namesake before she was adopted. "Lucinda" means "Light". "Quinn" was after my husband's best friend. "Quinn" means "Queen". "Queen of Light".

2. Yes they changed them.

3 & 4. I like my son's name ok. Its a "trendy" name and I don't think it suits him but it sounds nice. I suppose I got used to it during the time they honored the open arrangement. His middle name was after D.'s father (She's the Adoptive Mother.) who I know. He is a nice enough man and treated me respectfully so I guess I don't mind.

I do not like my daughter's name. for several years I couldn't read books or watch movies that had a character with that name. I can deal with hearing it now but still refer to my daughter by her original name among my family and friends. I have always used her adoptive name with her and her APs.

I will be interested to see how THEY feel about it someday. I hope I get the chance.

BTW:
Today is my son's birthday. I hope he is having a happy one.

***HAPPY BIRTHDAY T. - I LOVE YOU, ALWAYS.***

Blaze Ookami

1. My father named me
2. My adoptive mother knew what the name meant and thought it was offensive, so the family changed it.
3. I think my name is too plain, but it's better then my old name so I'm fine with it.
4. I was named after someone on my adoptive mother's side. My bio mom doesn't like it a lot but she has a lot of issues with my a-mom.

Randy B

1- My bio never named me. I'm not even sure she saw me more then the time it took to clean me off and get her discharged from the hospital.

2- My adopted parents named me when I was picked up from the hospital. Thankfully they didn't keep my origional name. I don't like the idea of going through life known as "Baby Boy W".

3- Oh yes, for obvious reasons I much prefer the name I was given by my parents.

4- My name was unique in the family.

â–ºBobBâ—„

first girl, my wife selected the name, chinese name as middle name.
second girl, I selected the name (high school crush :) and chinese name as middle name.

the girls (8 & 6) know themselves as both names.

the girls, at 1 year had no idea what thier names were.

they are now both American, so why use the chinese name?

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