Follow up: Is trans-racial adoption positive?

MamaKate

Absolutely! Life is about finding and keeping "balance" in so many ways! Like most other things in life - moderation is the healthiest way to go!

You would never give your child nothing to eat but bananas - simply because they were good for them! Eventually it will make your child sick, they'll miss out on all the other flavors & they'll end up hating bananas.

Same goes for just about everything else. Allowing a child to "taste" all the "flavors" of life is an important part of growing into a well-rounded, healthy adult. To ignore a child's heritage is to ignore part of the child. This is universally true.

(Hello, Closed Adoptions, Folks - Who - Keep - Children - From -Their- Partners - For - No - Good - Reason, Legislators, Judges and CPS Workers! ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS?!)

Introducing a child to his or her heritage, making connections about culture and learing when things present an opportunity for education is a far cry from waking a kid up every morning singing the national anthem of their home counrty, pointing out their "blackness" at every chance or cramming ethinic foods down their throats at every meal.

Allow the child to take the lead. Answer questions openly and honestly and encourage curiosity. Appreciate differences and celebrate the similatities that ALL people have - teaching a child about their culture does not mean that we are not all included in the same society. Finding the balance between one's own individual identity and how we all fit together is a mark of a truely well adjusted and healthy person.

Letting your child explore their history and being comfortable with who they are is an act of love. Showing support and encouraging education about themselves shows confidence in your relationship with your child and that you as a parent want to really know them - rather than trying to shape them to suit your expectations.

Race or culture should never be the defining characteristic of a person's identity or determine how they are treated or educated but rather be a building block to knowing about one's self...

I wish you all the best! It sounds as though you are a thoughtful and caring parent and I am glad to know that there are people out there who still give a darn! :) I hope your family will be happy and healthy for years to come!

Mom5 - You are so cool! Your answers rock - I will celebrate the day when the majority of APs think the way you do!

drippinhoney

Hi I am not sure what sort of answers you are looking for exactly, but I will tell you a little bit about me. I was adopted in 1964 in spokane washington (the minority was about 1% back then) and my biological mom was suppositly white and young and got pregnant by a black man, My adopted dad was a master seargant in the airforce and my parents were big on the social scene. Jim Chase who later became mayor, a black man and his wife Eleanor were good freinds with my mom and dad, who was looking to adopt another baby, My older brother was adopted out of Boys town in Lincoln Nebraska. So Eleanor told my mom about this young white woman and the rest is history. So basically I was kinda adopted before i was born, My mom brought me home from the hospital, a perfect little girl bald and white as snow. remember this is 1964. So I have always called myself the white sheep of the family. I never did get any darker, One of my moms friends used to tease me cause i would sneek a sip of my moms coffee, she said it would make me black, and I tried so hard. My brother has a few hangups about me and he is a wonderful man an officer in the navy but if we go somewhere by our selfs he acts funny, always has, and it is because yes we know we are brother sister, but no one else would guess that, and see he is a manly man all of 6 feet and very physically fit. I am 6 foot 2 and tower over him, he likes petite woman, and please don't make that mistake that we are a couple. Now my mom has been ( in others eyes) My Nanny so many times, hired help, When my son was sick in the hospital and my mom was there with us, I had 2 people ask me where i found her at because she undoubtably loves that baby, (her grandson whos father is white) when i had my other son, the nurse in the hospital went and grabbed the baby from her and told her only family was allowed in the rooms and OMG they had to call security that time. My parents loved me and my brother very much and they are good people and raised us totally color blind, it has been the rest of the world that has reminded us that we don't match, and i wll admit that it has been really hard for me at times but in the world today and all the problems and issues that new moms and children have I consider my self lucky because the only thing my mom and dad are guilty of is loving me too much, i would not change things at all. thanks for listening, hope this helps

spydermomma

Hi there! I'm so glad you're back!

I'm especially glad you stuck around after all we hit you with on the last question. Some of us (myself included) said some stuff that must have been kind of hard to hear, so I respect you very much for sticking with us and coming back for more. That shows a lot of commitment to and love and respect for you kid(s). Good for you!

As to your assessment of the job ahead of you. Yeah, you've got it pretty much right. What we need to do is give our children full awareness and opportunity to develop a healthy self-identity as a person of color in a racist society -- all the while keeping them aware that their race/ethnicity does not define them, they get to, and indeed are responsible for defining themselves as a responsible and moral individual. Pretty hard task, huh? Welcome to the tightrope! lol!

It IS hard. Very hard. For us and especially for them. It is necessary though. As white folks, we have a choice. We can pretend that race is no longer an issue -- and thus leave our children to figure it out for themselves. Our kids don't have a choice, though. They will have to be people of color in a still racist society. I have heard adult transracial adoptees of color say that growing up they kind of thought of themselves as white, since that is what their family, and thus their closest and dearest role models are. That will only take them so far, though. Because away from the "white privilege" of their (adoptive) family, they will be perceived as a person of color. So they will eventually have to come to terms with being Black / Asian American / Latino/a, Mixed race, etc.

But of course race doesn't define any of us completely. My daughter will be Chinese American, born in China. She will be an adoptee. She will be female. She will have grown up in the woods. She will have grown up in California. She will be a very funny person with a great sense of humor. She will be very verbal. She may be a doctor, a lawyer, a pilot, an auto mechanic, a teacher, a winemaker, a librarian, a community organizer, mostly not work for pay, move from job to job, or who knows what. She may have a life partner or she may not. She may be a mom or not. She may decide to move to another community, to China, or who knows where. All of these things and many more will be part of who she is. All of them are important. At any given time and in any given decision she makes, some things will be more important than others. But all of them will be important to her and part of who she is -- all the time. Her character will be inextricably linked with and informed by all of who she is.

So I believe it isn't necessary or even possible to separate our child's race or ethnicity from the content of their character. It will be a part of the content of their character. And to have a good character they will need to have a solid grounding in who they are, including their race.

It's late, and the darned browser has crashed twice, and I'm not sure how much sense I'm making, so I will end this, at least for now. Good luck with the parenting "thang." Hard work, isn't it? But the most rewarding work there is!

Tami

Don't ever minimize that color doesn't matter at all, that doesn't work (color blindness = everyone's the same) it's NOT true, and the child needs to understand that. It is also important, like you said to not over-emphasize the ethnicity of the child. It's a hard balance that is definitely necessary. Make sure you have a few role models for the child who are of the same race as the child, this will help him/her to identify with someone else. I think it's GREAT that couples are adopting children regardless of the race of the child/family.

Cochise

This is only an issue if you make it one, or allow someone else to make it one.

We have 2 bio kids, two adopted - one from Pakistan and one from Colombia.

The only racist hassle we have ever gotten has been from educational bureaucrats, especially for our Hispanic-ethnicity daughter. One test-administrator rather forcefully explained that our daughter should go to the schools over in the barrio 'because she would feel more comfortable among people of her own kind." And, he was Hispanic!!!.

Then, there was a vice-principal [Hispanic] who was very upset because I refused to apply for subsidized meals - she could not believe that my English-language Learner [used to be ESL] daughter was not financially qualified. My attitude, which I finally had to take to the school principal, was that my other kids weren't qualified for that program, so why should I apply for this one.

I think it is very human for a lot of people to want to put your child into pre-conceived and ultimately wrong categories. Your job is to keep a watch for those and shut them down as fast as possible, and to teach your child to do the same.

One of my neighbors, very dark African descent brilliant guy in high-tech, has a huge hassle with school administrators and his daughter - even worse than we have had with ours.

Oddly enough, the school kid peers usually have been just fine. So have the teachers. As far as we know, ethnic background has been a total non-issue and we have done our best to keep it that way. It is the administrators who have displayed the most racist attitudes.

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