For Adoptees - Are you consumed by adoption?

Possum

A big shout out to Robin above me - GREAT post - thank you.

Me - no not consumed. But like many have said here - to be able to heal - I had to know my truth - all of it - and I had to hear it from the people that relinquished me - not read it in paperwork or hear it from others. I needed to hear it from the people themselves - and I could only then form my own opinions about what went on.

I spent almost 35 years of my life running away from being adopted. Oh - it always reared it's ugly head - but I kept up the facade that - 'oh, yeah, it's all fine, everything is just peachy-keen'.

I was lying to myself more than anyone else.

I'm certainly not a miserable person. And I have achieved much in my life. But deep down I have always had a sadness - worsened by the fact that I wasn't allowed to feel it - and deal with it. I was told to 'get over it' and move on with life.

Ask any psychologist worth their money - and they'll tell you - you can't keep running away from things.
I needed to find out about me - and that meant searching and finding out about my roots - my history.

It's been a hell of a ride - very hard at times - and I think that would have been a much less stressful journey if I had had adoptive parents that knew how their actions were having an adverse effect on me. (not telling me my truth - not allowing me to question things)

If adoptive parent truly care for their little adoptees - they will listen carefully to adult adoptees.
We've lived it - we know - we just want things to be better for all the adoptees that come after us.

Julie R

I think you are unusual only in the sense that you are doing inner work. Most people shy away from such work, as it can be painful and/or difficult.

"When you are able to contain both the light and dark together, that is a very enlightening state. It means that you no longer have to choose one experience over another. You do not have to choose love OR hate, blame OR forgiveness, sadness OR joy, anger OR openheartedness. You are no longer polarized; no particular feeling boxes you in and keeps you from the light of true self. You then have access to the full range of human experiences you came into this life to embrace."

-- Martia Nelson

EDIT.......

Sorry I didn't answer your question before. I think becoming aware of one's adoption-related issues is bound to awaken suppressed, unresolved grief. At that point, one can (and often does) become consumed by it all. And, as I suggested above, I believe this is a necessary part of the healing process. It would be unhealthy to try to suppress something that has affected one's emotional life so profoundly.

For me personally, I am consumed still by one aspect of my adoption - that is, trying to undo the damage done by being institutionalized from birth to 6 weeks with minimal human contact. Although being separated at birth does alter brain development, my experience altered my brain development a great deal more.

It's a problem with my brain's architecture, so it's a structural problem that affects my behavior. I do still have negative feelings about that having been done to me because, without adoption, it wouldn't have happened. But I'm not consumed by the latter.

And I am no longer consumed by my other issues related to adoption, like having lost my original family, not belonging in either family, and being emotionally, psychologically, and physically abused by my adopters. All those thing have been worked through.

a healing adoptee

Phil---
I'm now starting to learn to ignore people on here that say"accept your situation and get over it". Because when they say that, that is telling me they have not read my question or answer. I think in your questions and answers you do not talk about any regert or obessing about your adoption. You just wanted to know your birth mother. Which is your right.

When people say things like get over it accept your lot in life. They are one adoptive parents that are not being truthful to their children. Two they could be adoptees that refuse to think that not all adoptees had a rosy adoption experince as they did. People like this are very narrow-minded and shallow.

I feel in order to understand adoption you have to look at both sides. The good and the bad. You are not unusual in any way. Expressing concerns about adoption practices does not make you weird or anything. Like I said this is your life and if you want to promote adoption reforms. I say go for it! It's your life.
Peace,
Healing Adoptee

Laurel J

"Consumed" is a big word, but adoption certainly had an effect on my life. I have no idea who or what I would have been had I not been adopted.

I don't feel I "dwell on" the bad things. But negative things exist. Had I survived the loss of my first parents via war, famine, or any event but adoption, society would have said "How sad, let's get you into counseling" instead of "Shut up and be grateful; if you wonder about your first parents, you're pathological."

I do feel I've done well. No other child in my generation on either side of my a'family has gotten a master's degree, and I'm very close to finishing my Ph.D.

However, it's always felt like wading in two or three feet of water. My whole life has been lived "in spite of" having been adopted, to prove I can be as good as anyone who wasn't. Have I lived my life for my own good or to please others and prove I am worthy? I still don't know. I really don't.

concerned

"One thing I have experienced, on the web and in real life, is that any time I express concerns about the practice of adoption, and the effect it has on children, I am told that it is bad to dwell on the negative. If I dwell on the bad things that have happened, I will be consumed by them and never get anywhere in life. I need to get over the pain and hurt I feel and move forward."

Oh man, not an adoptee (first mom here!), but I soooo hear you.

What's ridiculous about this advice is that it's actually directly contrary to good mental health.

Good mental health requires--DEMANDS--looking at all your feelings and thoughts. Confronting them. Becoming familiar with them. It's impossible to "move forward" without coming to terms with the past, so that the past can release its hold on you.

This kind of advice drives me CRAZY. And I don't just mean in relation to adoption, but in ANY area of life. It is in direct contrast to what I do with my clients as a mental health worker and budding counselor.

I think there are two problems: (1) America's general desire to dissociate from negative emotions and thoughts, our "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" culture; and (2) in this case, the pervasive "adoption is a win-win-win solution" mindset.

It is so frustrating, not just because of my personal experience with adoption, but because of my experiences in mental health. Telling people to only think about the positives is SO damaging, in any area of life.

Sigh.

P.S. Nope, you're not unusual... you're actually healthier than people who refuse to grapple with the tougher issues. It was when I finally started facing my feelings of loss and hurt that I was actually able to move forward in life. Talking about issues, my darker feelings, helped me find SOLUTIONS for living with my situation. When I denied my darker feelings about adoption, I was severely depressed--not eating, stuck at my computer 18 hours a day, isolating myself. When I finally started talking about my adoption issues in therapy and with family and friends, I started to improve so much.... now I can get through an entire work day without thinking about adoption, I can eat, I can play with my daughter, I can take or leave my computer, I can FUNCTION.

So no, talking about the tough stuff is not bad. It's the only way to heal... and it's a sign that you WANT to heal and are moving in that direction.

amyburt40

Sometimes I am and sometimes I am not. It depends upon my mood.

Letty

I am an adoptee too. Born during the war and adopted within the family which I think was the cause of the problems I suffered.

I was told the details by a "friend" when aged 13. My mother lived in same district ( a poor working class area of England) and I think things had been said in my hearing throughout early childhood.

When I was given the information I woke up with a "Bells Palsy" due to shock.

I then suffered severly from social phobia throughout my life and still suffer from it
- though I have found good coping mechanisms.

Mainly to escape from this early environment I strived to study and I too am a professional with nursing and teaching qualifications.
Maybe I would not have been so motivated without the early trauma?

sunny

At times I have been 'consumed' by adoption.

I certainly was during the search & reunion time of my life. You almost NEED to be. It takes a tremendous about of strength and courage to decide to find your roots. And it's a lonely affair with little emotional support. Even if you have supportive APs (most do not) you have YEARS of society's tapes playing in your head, lucky, grateful, why not just be happy with what you have, everyone has issues, blah, blah, Even the advice columnists are against us.

Couple this with the fact that most US states have closed records and adoptees have to jump through hoops that non-adopted people can't possibly imagine, and often pay large sums of money for information that everyone else has known all their lives.

If a person didn't become consumed, I don't think they could do it. It's exhausting. You have to find an inner momentum that one might use for other things--but if you didn't harness that energy, you simply couuldn't make it up the hill while many are trying to pull you down.

This consumption is often seen as anger by others who can't seem to see or honor how difficult this trek is for the adoptee. Public shaming is difficult for anyone, but maybe more difficult for adoptees who grew up in a secretive, shame-based instiution. Is it any wonder that many adoptees claim not to be interested?

I have taken breaks from adoption. I sometimes get 'consumed' again--for little adoptees. Because I now have children, I have been thurst into a previosly unknown world: parenting. I come in contact with many APs & PAPs, and have been shocked that little, if anything has changed in the world of adoption. We've seen the advent of Oprah and the Internet, but adoption is still an esentially closed deal. I hear of false 'open' adoptions, parents who believe that piano lessons and tropical cruises will eliminate the basic need to know where we come from. The current trend of US parents who will go to any length and land to procure children is astonishing to me.

ETA: TAX GURL, Hon, I just gotta say, all of the self 'programming', 'supressing', and 'training' you speak of IS consumption, just not a productive kind. And you're giving up on having children because you're afraid of your unknown history.?! Wow, that makes me really sad. I know you're not ready to 'open the door' yet, but if you ever are, please come to adultadoptees.org/forum where there are hundreds of people just like you, who have been where you are, and know the way out. Hugs.

Joy M

I was like Tax Gurl when I was younger, programmed and repressed, it helped me survive.

but yes, I do feel adoption plays a big and negative role in my life now.

TaxGurl

There are three adoptees in my family and we're all about the same age so we grew up thinking adopted was normal. My aunt and uncle adopted two kids as infants (separate adoptions about 6 years apart, kids not related) and then had a natural child. My parents adopted me and then had a natural child as well. My mom and my aunt were both told they could never have children....go figure.

I personally didn't really have very many issues with it but one of my cousins really did. She had a lot of abandonment issues and self esteem issues related to being adopted. She couldn't understand why she had been given up. Throughout her teens, she really struggled with it. Our family has always said they would support a search if any of us wanted to go looking for birth parents. When my cousin turned 18, she requested her information and began a search. The intermediary service found her birth mom......who flatly refused any and all contact attempts. It broke her heart and started a really bad cycle for her. She was the one of us who desperately needed to make that connection and it was refused. It took her a long time to get past that hurt----she felt she had been abandoned all over again. For a while, it did consume her.

What made things worse was her sister's birth mom making contact and initiating a reunion. That never really went anywhere---there were a couple of visits and phone calls but no sustained relationship. But it opened all of the wounds again for my searching cousin.

For me, I've never really had negative thoughts. I programmed myself early on to be glad that I wasn't being raised by high school kids who made a mistake. To be honest, I've had the occasional passing thought about who they might be but I've never really dwelt on it. I trained myself to think of them as just genetic donors that I have no real connection to. That may be unfair. I'm in the middle of reading "The Girls Who Went Away" after seeing it suggested here and it is changing my mindset a little bit.

Adoption was common in our family but never really discussed. It definitely wasn't a secret but not dinner table conversation either. I don't think I ever really discussed it with my parents on an adult level. I know they have some letters from my birth mom but I've never asked to see them. They have made it clear that they are mine if I want them but I haven't wanted to read them. I've done a good job of suppressing all feelings related to being adopted and am not really ready to open that door. I really don't think about being adopted but a long time ago I decided that I'm not having kids myself----partly because of the great unknown medical factors so maybe it does play into my life more than I care to admit. That would probably be the only area where I would say it has hampered me.

ali

I am an adoptee and yes for years I struggled with the fact that I was adopted, but it hasn't over taken my life I will not let it. I now have a little girl who looks just like I did at her age, she is the same age that I was when I was placed up for adoption watching her grow has made some of these feeling resurface and the angered some times catches me of guard simply because she is so cute and loving that to give her away would be like giving away an arm or a leg. On the other hand though I also know that I was better of growing up with my adoptive mum and dad and look on it as i was picked to be part of their family

melissa s

i am one of 6 adopted children, i have nothing negative to say about adoption, i love my siblings i love my parents, we always knew we were adopted and felt it made us extra special, i don't see where there are any negatives it is all how you look at it, my glass is half full yours is half empty

zandyandi

One of my very good friends is adopted, and has a wonderful professional life with a great husband. She is delighted she was adopted - she knows a little about her birth parents, and believes her adoptive parents are soooo much better. In fact, she's planning to adopt children herself instead of having biological kids.

Tikva

I was adopted and I feel quite fortunate to have been adopted. I think that you have to accept your situation--and this is true with anyone whether they have been adopted or not. If you have a desire for something you can't have (such as knowledge of your biological past) and you turn that desire into an obsession, then you're going to be miserable. On the other hand, if you accept the things that are outside of your control and work with what you have, then you'll more than likely find peace and happiness.

Lex

My husband was adopted and he really doesn't seem to give it a second thought. He doesn't have this deep loss from not knowing the looms from which he was fruited (so to speak) and he figures anything medical, he'll deal with it as it comes.

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