For adoptive parents, are you comfortable talking to your child?

Freckle Face

Dear Anha,

We talk often about her adoption. She tells me a lot. To be honest, some of it hurts but i would never let her know it. I thank her for being honest and for sharing her feelings. I ask if there is anything i can do to help her. She says talking about it helps. I worry there are still things she feels uncomfortable talking about with me.
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Things i've had to overcome to be a better aparent..............

*Hearing your child is in pain hurts, i would rather pretend their pain is not real.(denial) I've had to get over my denial to help her and not add to her pain.

*Hearing that something is missing in my child, makes me think I did something wrong. That i was an inadequate parent. I've had to get over myself and realize this is about her feelings, not mine.

*Realizing i will not be all things to my daughter is tough but its not a realistic thought.

*Gut reaction...if i were a better mother she wouldn't need anyone else. Again, not based in reality.

Good luck with your amom.

Kim

Honestly, I think this is an area where "practice makes perfect." I think a lot of the issues surrounding adoption are difficult to talk about because they are so complex. You can't discuss *everything* at once, but you don't want "meaning" to be added to what you said/didn't say. (Do you understand what I'm trying to say there?)

Anyway -- our social worker urged us to start "telling the adoption story" when our children were really young (adopted as toddlers), even though they didn't fully understand what it meant. As they've gotten older, it has become easier to talk to them on a more meaningful level because I've already had practice using the words and discussing the concepts. (I now feel that those early tellings were more for *me*, rather than them, so I could get comfortable with it.)

My son is 8 and is starting to ask more difficult questions. I am glad that we have a "basis" built up and that I have had practice talking about it. I don't always feel like I "hit a home run" with my answers the first time I try...but I do my best. And if I think I've screwed up, left something out, etc. I make sure to bring it up to *him* rather than wait for him to ask again. "Remember when we were talking about ________? I've been thinking about it more and..." I think (hope) we're building an open dialogue.

I am sorry that you and your a-mom don't have that... And I'm thinking it will probably be uncomfortable for her to talk about things in the beginning...but a lot of it is just getting used to the conversation, I think. It sounds like she's missed the opportunity to "wade into the shallow water" and will have to "jump into the deep end." I'm sure it won't be comfortable, but I bet she'll learn how to swim quickly. :)

BLW_KAM

For the most part, yes I'm comfortable talking to my daughter about her adoption. But there are issues I struggle with.

The last thing I want to do is to put her natural mother in an unfairable light. But how do I find the words to say, "Yes honey, she was 15 when she had your sister and 17 when you were born. Your natural father was a gang member and a drug dealer and you were born with drugs in your system. She's raising your sister and the two children born after you because you were born at a very difficult time in her life."

As a parent, my instincts are to protect her and to make sure she doesn't develop a negative view of herself because of her history. I don't want her to think badly of her mom, but she's old enough to understand her mom made some poor decisions.

She's not quite ten years old, so I haven't told her everything yet. She knows everything I wrote above except the gang and drug issues. Someday I will tell her these things.

My guess is your mom is struggling too. She may know things she's afraid to tell you. She may want to shield you from the pain the truth might cause you. Plus, she may feel a bit threatened (or she may not).

My advice would be to tell your mom you really want the truth, you're ready to emotionally handle whatever you learn and you have to fill in the empty places inside you. Try to talk in a calm place, like in front of a fire with hot chocolate.

If you love your mom, it can't hurt to tell her so and let her know your search for answers (and a search for your natural family) won't change that love.

opedial

We told the kids they can talk to us about anything. During the holidays we talk about previous holiday's and that they miss their old mom. I am completely comfortable talking to them about everything, but sometimes I want to be sure i am saying the right thing and validating their feelings. Mostly I just try to listen.

Shannon T

Anha,
I am sorry that I don't have an answer for you but I just wanted to commend you on your excellent question. I think that you deserve answers regarding your adoption and I wish you luck in receiving them swiftly and honestly. Good luck to you.

Sofiakat

Most of the time I am comfortable. For the times I am not, it has more to do with me than with my kids, and I hide my not being comfortable the best I can.
here is the thing about good moms: No matter what the cost is to them, they will help you, whether that be giving you information you need or helping you deal with your adoption.
Give your amom a chance. Maybe even show her your post in order to start the conversation.
Although I do not know your situation, I am going to assume that she loves you deeply and you do not wish to hurt her by talking about your family of origin. Talk to her first about the fact that you are scared to hurt her by the conversation but it is a conversation YOU need to have. You have a right to this conversation.
Good luck.

wendy_da_goodlil_witch

I started talking to my kids about adoption and what it meant from the day I brought them home. I read books to them that explained it, too. I've always told them they can ask me anything about their adoptions. I know that they won't love me less by wanting to know about their birth mother. tell your mom that she'll always be your mom no matter what, but that you're normally curious about your origins.

Cam

We have always been very open and honest with our daughter about her adoption. It never made sense to me to keep secrets or avoid the issue.

Discussing your adoption CAN be comfortable and I'm sorry that by now your amom hasn't made you feel that way.I personally don't think the burden of bringing it up should be placed on the adoptee but sadly, in many cases, it is.You should discuss this with your amom. She probably has been waiting for you to bring up the subject and assumes that until then you're not interested or curious. You both will benefit from this experience. Good Luck.

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