For people in an open adoption?
Find answers to your legal question.
For people in an open adoption?
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How did your extended families accept/react to keeping your child's birth mother in the picture? What did you do or say to make them realize that you were never going to close the adoption?
I am as mad as I can be right now. For some background info, I adopted my step daughter. Her birth mother is my husband's ex girlfriend.
Due to her personal issues, she was unable to raise her child and gave custody to my husband. Later, for reasons also her own, she ASKED me to adopt the child and I did. We always agreed that she would be in the child's life.
For the most part, she has been in contact. For awhile she disappeared, but that was a misunderstanding. She calls or e mails at least once a week to ask about the child, or if something major comes up I call her. I e mail her and her mother pictures every time I take them. Both she and her mother sent gifts to ALL of my kids for Christmas.
So why am I sitting here on xmas eve morning so angry?? My MIL. She cannot accept the fact that even tho I legally adopted the child that A_______ will always be a part of her life. She hates A_________ with a passion. She always has something to say about how fat, stupid, lazy ect A______ is.
I have told her repeatedly that I don't want anything bad said about A________ in front of my daughter. I have explained to her what is is like to be adopted and to always wonder where and who you came from and that I will NOT put a child thru that.
Well now I am really mad. She got on a picture sending spree the other day and sent me a picture of my daughter's first Christmas. At first I thought that was great. Well the note attached said "I cut the Wildebeast (meaning my daughter's birth mom) out of the picture".
So what was a picture of my daughter sitting on her father's lap with her mother beside them (at the time they were still a couple) on her first Christmas is ruined. It's just the baby on her dad's lap. We have a million pix of her and her father together.
That picture could have been a keepsake for her some day. I know I have only one picture of my birth parents and me. I treasure it. My husband says he thinks he may have the original of that picture somewhere on a disk, but I can't help being so mad that I don't want to go to this woman's house for Christmas.
So for those in an open adoption any suggestions on getting the MIL to either accept the fact that I won't ever be cutting this birth mom out of her child's life? (or at least shut up about the subject)
Additional Details
ETA: Actually for a long time we cut the MIL out of our lives because of her behaviour. This is supposed to be her chance to get things right, but she is off to a bad start.
Oh and the reason I am the way I am about my daughter's birth mom is because of my own adoption experiences. I remember having my Bmom talked badly about and how it made me feel. I refuse to put another child and birth mom thru what me and mine went thru
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ladybmw1218
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Luckily my parents just welcomed more "kin", they are like that and always have been.
MIL and FIL sorta don't get it, but accept that it is what it is and that DS's family is part of our family now.
SIL actually found a lot in common with DS's paternal grandma, and they are close in age and they sparked up a friendship.
I think your situation is different, in that MIL and first mom obviously have a past history, and MIL holds a grudge. Her behavior borders on pathological (Wildebeast?). I doubt you will get her to come around. The best you can hope for is that she remain silent on the issue. |
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Linny G
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Im just a regular old adoptee, but have to say, YAY for you. You are wise to try and smooth things over with her. I am so sorry she is so insensitive. Thats the most bizarre part- this is HER grandchild, yet she is ok with hurting her. Its no different than when there is a divorce and people talk smack about the other parent. It just hurts the child. Ugh.
Is there any way your husband could address this issue? Your last line pretty much sums up what you could say to her... |
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kateiskate
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That's terrible for her to behave that way! I'm not in an open adoption, but I am an adoptee and I have a crazy family so i hope my opinion is still helpful... I think you should make it clear that your daughter's first mom isn't going anywhere and that disrespect of her is disrespect of your daughter, her dad and your family. Let her know if she continues to behave like that SHE may be the one cut out of the family. Maybe that will force her to realize that your daughter's mom isn't going anywhere. |
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Freckle Face
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Dear Kidmindi,
Ask her if she loves your daughter? Then gently remind her that her behavior is hurting DD. All you ask is that she keeps her negative comments about A..... to herself.
Don't bring up A....... anymore. People outside of adoption rarely understand. To diffuse the situation, say i won't discuss A... with you anymore. If she is anything like my MIL, she is trying to get a rise out of you. Its hard to argue when you have no one to argue with. Tough situation, good luck.
You have my 100% support. You are right and MIL is wrong:) |
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sizesmith
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Tell her that all she's doing is cutting herself out of your lives, that she's just making herself look bad, and if she can't accept that your family is extended in ways that she doesn't like or understand, that she's only hurting her grandchild.
Tell her that a child usually feels that if a natural parent is put down in front of them, that it puts the child down too, because they're part of the parent.
Give her one last chance, and explain to her ahead of time, that if she doesn't quit putting down the first mom, that she won't get another opportunity.
And, good for you for being an above average adoptive parent, and for supporting your child, and her first mom. It takes a confident person to do that. Merry Christmas! |
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Mom of two
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You and your hubby need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. Explain why she was cut out of your life before (even though it sounds like you already had this conversation) and explain that she will be again if she continues. You are not asking her to be involved in the first mothers life and MIL clearly has some unresolved issues with her, but for the sake of her relationship w/her granddaughter, she needs to get over it or accept that she will not be in your lives. |
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Rowan
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that was seriously crossing the line. to destroy a picture of her and her bio mom, when you clearly want her in the child's life, is wrong. I think you seriously need to think about cutting her out again, because shes acting like a child. I mean, i could understand if the bio mom was a horrid person, or a danger to the child, but that still wouldn't justify what your MIL did to the picture.
There might have to be a sit down discussion. Do you think the MIL is worried that the bio mom might try to run off with the kid? it could be the MILs own insecurities coming out. But to name call, childish. |
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Andrea A
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Your mother in law probably thinks she's being supportive or funny. Maybe she is imagining how she would feel in that situation and maybe she is projecting these feelings onto you. I would try telling her again in and a different, more serious way. Maybe print off an article about how damaging it can be for adopted children to hear their biological parents spoken ill of. Or buy her a book. Or schedule a couple of counseling appointments, where you go alone first, then take her, and have the counselor serve as a mediator. In a way maybe she is trying show her approval of you as the mother figure. But your number one priority is to your daughter and reducing her feelings of pain and confusion. |
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