For those who have adopted older (age 3+ or so?) children...?

opedial

When my children moved in, we were introduced as their new parents, new mommy and new daddy. We told them they could call us Mama Jenn or Mama Josh, or just jenn or josh, or whatever they wanted. (just don't call us late for dinner ha cha cha)

The first visit they asked if they could call us mom and dad. 8 months later it is mommy and daddy. When we talk about their first mother, we call her mommy (insert name here), or your first mommy, or by her name, whichever is called for under the cirumstances.

The little two had no problem calling us mommy and daddy, I think they were excited, in their own way. They were young when they were placed into foster care, so they didn't have a typical mommy relationship with their first mother, although a bond was there. They really did want a mom and dad in the way they thought they should, the way other people at school did. They were 4 and 5 when we adopted them.

The older one I do'nt think was as keen to use mom and dad, but since the other ones did he went along. Now he has no problem with it, and he thinks of us as mom and dad, even mommy and daddy. He has many issues through this adoption, many due to pre-abuse issues, many to the transition process, many to the loss of his first mother, and even though she can't see him due to safety concerns, we still talk about her with him, and he knows he has two mommy's.

How did I feel? I love being called mom, I really love being mom. It was not uncomfortable at all for us, but we would also have been fine waiting for those words or been fine with whatever they chose, but yes, when they call for mommy, I do feel quite emotion inside.

spydermomma

Just what you are doing sounds completely normal for your situation.

If you were adopted at 11 and they already knew you as your godparents and you already called them by their names, then it is completely normal to continue that way. I'd expect it was at least as awkward for them to be called "dad" the first time as it was for you to say it. I'd bet they are touched by it when you say it, but still maybe feel a bit awkward, since they knew you for so many years with a different sort of relationship. I'm sure they are fine no matter what you call them.

If you call them your godparents to your friends for clarification, I'd bet they think that is just fine also -- that is what they are/were to you, and the reason they adopted you. It also explains in a shorthand sort of way that you didn't live with them from the beginning. I'd think saying something like "they are my godparents and I live with them" or "they are my godparents and they adopted me when I was 11" or similar would help with a lot of awkward questions from everyone later and I'd bet they have no problem with that at all.

So I'm sure they don't expect to always be called dad, but if you are wondering find a time you are feeling close and just ask them. It might give you all a chance to talk openly about your relationship and how you and they feel about it.

Best wishes to all of you!

â™¥Due 08/06/09

All of my cousins were adopted. And two of them were 5 and 6 when they were adopted. It only took them a few weeks to start calling my aunt and uncle mom and dad. My aunt and uncle never pressured them and always told them it was their decision. I guess it just depends on your own comfort level.

Independ"ant"

Thanks for posting this question.
I've been thinking about this for quite a while myself. I haven't adopted so I can't answer your question from that point of view but will tell you that young children will call the babysitter Mommy if she spends enough time with them. I practically raised my youngest brother (9yr. difference) who on occasion would refer to me as mom when he was a kid. Its attachment and confusion.

I'm curious if aparents go out of their way to coax the achild to call them mom or dad when they start referring to them as "my friend" or using their first names or do they encourage the child to call them whatever they feel most comfortable with?. I personally would never try to force a child to call me something he/she's not comfortable with.
As a parent its your job to support the childs natural emotions without getting caught up in your personal desires.

My advice to you is to not worry about it. Don't force yourself to play a role you don't feel comfortable with. They're supposed to be mature adults...they'll get over it. Children can be some of the greatest teachers.

Mimi P

when they first came, you teach them to call you "mom". i was so happy when they did, because its like they really truly accept you as parents. i think it can be hard for parents who adopted a kid when the kid doesnt call them mom or dad because they yearn to have the child accept them as if they were they' re own mom.

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