Found adopted brother, is it okay to tell him he's adopted?

julie j

Hi Mommy to Mason,

How exciting to have found a new brother! I think he should have the opportunity to know his new sister, and not only as a friend, but also as a sister. Everyone has a right to know who they are and where they came from.

Let's face it, if the man is 24 years old now and his adoptive parents never informed him of his adoptive status, it's not likely they have any intentions of doing so. It's certain they had many many chances over his lifetime. If he doesn't know, they are deceiving him and allowing him to live a lie. That is cruel. Adoptive parents are custodians of the adoptee's personal information while they are young. It is their obligation to deliver that to them at appropriate times in their childhood. They do not OWN an adoptee's personal history. In other words, it is not their information to decide what to do with it.

Chances are he does know, and you won't even need to worry about that.

Even if he doesn't know, he should! Put yourself in his shoes. If it were you, would you want everyone else to know an important secret about you and keep it from you? How would that make you feel? Would you want others talking about you, wondering if they should tell you, wondering if you could handle it?

Perhaps you could start the conversation by saying you have been doing some genealogy and you believe the two of you are related. Then you could explain your own adoption status and that could open the door for him to do the same. If he doesn't, you might need to say to him, "Are you sitting down? You might want to for what I need to tell you." Then gently explain what you know and how you found out. After the shock wears off, he will be grateful that somebody was kind enough to tell him. That's what it would be, a kindness. It is far better to live the truth, regardless of what it is, than a lie.

I wish you a good relationship with your new found brother.

peace,

julie j
reunited adoptee

Doodlestuff

It is very uncommon for an adoptee today to not know that they were adopted unless the adoption was illegal. I see no problem with telling him the truth. Just don't be surprised if you are met with coolness. If he wasn't searching, it may take him time to decide whether he wants contact with his biological relatives even if you also are adopted. Good luck!

I disagree with some of the posters. The guy is 24 years old, for heaven's sake! I'm sure he can handle it just fine.

Just introduce yourself saying that you've been searching for members of your biological family and you believe that he may be your brother. Go from there.

Proud

Since you've never ever met, its probably not a good idea to blurt out over the phone, "You were adopted and I'm your biological sister!" The best thing to do would be to contact his adoptive parents. Let them know that you are his biological sister and would love to meet your brother, but you weren't sure if he knew that he was adopted. He probably knows, but if his parents decided not to tell him, its not your place to break the news. (Not that its bad news, just surprising news.) IF he already knows, then they may be able to introduce you to him. That way he's not just blind-sided with all this new information. He may have never known that he had any other siblings. It will be A LOT of information for him to process. Take it slow.

Heather B

Most people know they're adopted, don't they?

I sure hope so - there is no excuse for secrecy in adoption

fishers*of*men

chances are, he probably already knows that he's adopted. if you want to meet him and it's important to you, the question will come up, tell him, he has a right to know. but don't let it be the first thing that comes out of your mouth, hint around to see if he knows then if you get the feeling that he doesn't know, then just break it to him gently, and explain that you really want a relationship with him. good luck.

a healing adoptee

As an adoptee, you know that you are adopted. we just know. plus we are in the 21st century. I would write him a letter telling him who you are. I mean the phone is fine too. Please ignore the other posters on here telling you not to tell. Obviously they are not adopted, because they wouldn't talk about mental states and stuff. Julie J's advice is very good, along with Heather H's. I think both you and your brother deserve to know each other!

Jessica H

No, i don't think it's your place to tell him, especially since you don't know one another real well. I think that after a while you can hint and see if he knows. I just think that you should leave it alone, his parents would have told him and they wanted him to know.

redpeach_mi

you might want to tell him that you have been doing some genealogy work and you found out that you are related to him. then he might offer the information that he is adopted, if he knows.

k4yjo

At age 24 he is likely to have seen his birth certificate, which will show hes adopted. Be gentle, make 100% certain its him. Perhaps ask him to confirm hes adopted and say you think perhaps you may be related and wondered if he would be interested in meeting to discuss this. Alternately why not involve a social worker? They can act as a mediator. You must respect that if he chooses not to move forward with this as i have found many men do, that it is his decision to make and you must leave it.

Alex

Even I am an adopted son. But I never knew it for a long time. If it is disclosed, somewhere it hurts the person who is not aware of the fact. He considers the present parents as his natural parents. If that spell is broken, that may hurt deeply. Probably, you may befriend him and try to understand him more clearly. Visit the home, talk to his present parents, try to extract the information without hurting their feelings whether he has been informed.

Even otherwise you will have nearness of your brother as a friend thought without his knowledge. When the right time comes you might try to hint him. Never directly go to the hotline.

Crucio

No this is not your place to tell him heâ€™s adopted if he doesnâ€™t know it. I suppose you could try and be discreet about it like in that episode of the George Lopez show. Where George goes to see his brithsister whom heâ€™d just found out about and through some questions realized that she didnâ€™t know she was adopted. Being 24 he most likely will know he is adopted.

scudders86

He most likely arlready knows that he adopted. Sadly tho-some people do not or never know that they are until something happens. I myself have always known. I'd say like others, contact his adopted parents first. Just in case he doesn't know. I blow like that can be hurtful. My brother didn't know that his "father" wasn't his "biological" father until my parents were divorced, and he was angry for a long time. So be gentle, you don't want to scare him away. But go thru his parents first.

Good Luck!

ken 2008

get to know him first....The way convesations go he might give you hints as to weather he knows or not.Try to be his friend first...This will take time be patient..Good luck with this..stay safe.

babyface

dont tell him its not your place to reveal this, it can be heart renching. If he was he will probably tell you he was in the same situation, otherwise, you ask leading questions, which are not obvious just you getting to know him. but wait - he will want to know how you are related - because his parents would have had to given you up, he will want to know why - i bet he already knows!

mom of many

perhaps find his parents (adopted) its there place to tell him. You don't know what mental state he's in.

THE WRAITH OF GOD IS COMING

Do not tell him.

Anon

Im in the same situation someone contacted my brother today and told him. He is 20 years old and he never knew. He is my brother plain and simple. It takes more then blood to be a brother/sister. DO NOT TELL HIM. Its not your place and you will devestate him. Not telling him is not because you dont love him its because you do love him. It takes more strength and love to to let him remain in his life. God is the only one we have to report to he is our true father/

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