Getting rid of pre-birth matching?

So many people think that pre-birth matching is wrong and coersive (me included). What I am wondering is what could a woman who decides to relinquish but has not matched pre-birth realistically do to plan adoption for her baby post-birth without turning the child over to social services, thus causing the child to spend time in foster care. I do think that foster care for a few months in some cases for babies who surely would find families quickly is a lot better than the coersion going on. I'm just wondering if there are any processes or agencies available to avoid that.

wholelottacats

I personally think the answer is rather simple - in the way that we were matched with our son. His mother didn't contact the agency until after he was born. (There isn't any need to have an agency involved while you are pregnant.) At that point, they have specially designated foster families who care for the babies. The mother doesn't have to relinquish her rights for this to happen. She seems the baby as often as she wants, and has time to make the decision without the pressure of "you've got to do it now, you've got to pick the family." Our son was in foster care for several weeks, at which point she decided to go ahead with an adoption, and it wasn't until that point that she was shown profiles to be matched with. We had no idea any of this was going on, or that she had chosen us, until she had made her decision and it was time for placement. We then had about 10 days notice before we met her, and our son, and brought him home.

I think it works on a few levels. They aren't being pressured in the hospital, they are able to have the birth experience they want, without an agency involved. They have time to recover from the hormones, to see and hold and love on their baby. They are able to see what it's actually like to go home and leave their baby. There are no PAPs, with expectant smiles, promising them anything.

Truthfully, I preferred it that way from my perspective, as well. We weren't involved until she had made a decision. In speaking with her after the fact, I do believe that she made the decision of her own free will, and am glad that we, that our "wants," weren't a factor in the least.

Freckle Face

Hi Erin,

We had a similar experience as Wholelottacats. No decisions were made until after the birth of our daughter. After the hospital stay M. could either take the baby home with her or let her baby go to a "foster family" who just watches babies in this type situation. M. was allowed to see her baby as often as she wanted and she was able to change her mind at any time. We were not notified or involved at all until our daughter was 5 days old. She stayed at the foster families house for 4 weeks until M. signed her parental rights away. During those weeks we met with M. and got to know her as a person and learned M.'s hopes and dreams for her daughter.

Looking back, I feel so fortunate that this was how our adoption was done. If a domestic adoption has to happen, this is the way to do it. I believe it helps eliminate coercion and gives the mother the opportunity to change her mind and walk away with her child at anytime. Also wanted to add that the baby was placed with a family close to the mother and NOT the adoptive parents. We were 2 hrs away and M. was 15 minutes away, as it should be.

eh, but then again i might biased because this is my experience:)

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