Guilt about having children because of the option of adoption?

almost human

your candor and self exploration is refreshing.

i can answer your first question, but not your second, as i am an adoptee and my children are biological.

yes, there are others who feel like you do.
one of my best friends is so adamantly opposed to straining the planet with overpopulation that he had a vasectomy to insure his actions do not compromise the responsibility he feels as a citizen of the planet, and he intends to adopt one day if his partner desires to begin a family.

i, too, feel that my two children are the limit (and i feel a little guilty about having two vs. one) of what i should produce considering the mushrooming world population and the poor distribution of declining resources.

i think it is human nature to want our progeny to be our flesh and blood. there is something especially narcissistic and fundamental about offspring - the desire to see ourselves in our children, the desire to live on in some form through their flesh and blood - the desire to extend our roots and heritage. to build a legacy.

it is the rare person of more elevated (to my mind) social consciousness who is willing to think beyond a reflection of themselves and consider what is better for the larger society, especially when it is something so very personal as becoming a parent.

adoption is most definitely a way to do something tangible and rewarding to put the world more in balance.

i do hope, should you decide to do this, that you will continue to thoughtfully explore adoption in its most ethical manifestation and consider children with the greatest needs.

i am delighted you are thinking about this as a first choice and not, as many adoptive parents do, only as a last resort.

ETA
I would disagree with Felecita, because the developed world uses the lions share of the worlds' resources - each one of us makes a huge impact.

I also think if you are going to remain with your boyfriend, you will have to respect his position on adoption. nobody should be obligated to parent.

monkeykitty83

You shouldn't adopt out of guilt. No one wants to be someone else's project, or to be a burden to the people they love. An adopted child should be adopted because they're wanted and loved, not as an obligation. If you don't really want to adopt, it's honestly kinder not to. That's too much pressure to put on a kid, the pressure of your guilt.

If you and your boyfriend don't think you could love an adopted child as much, and nurture them with as much care as a biological child, it's better to be honest about it and not adopt. No child deserves to be the second choice, not really wanted by their parents. Adoption isn't for everyone.

Personally, I don't feel the need to have blood ties to my children. I don't plan to have biological children; foster care adoption is the route for me-- by choice, as I'm capable of having biological children. It's just what I think is right for me.

But not everyone is the same, and if you don't feel you could give equal affection and have equal emotional connection to an adopted child, you should probably just accept that adoption isn't for you. That fact shouldn't be a source of guilt.

Kazi

It sounds like you are an empathetic person and that is a sign of good character. You should not feel guilty about wanting to experience pregnancy and giving birth to a child with a genetic connection to you. It's natural. Please do not adopt out of guilt as that will help no one, least of all an innocent child. I am the adoptive mom of 2. I do not have biological children, however, I cannot imagine anyone loving their children more than I love mine. I think it's very honest of you to be reflecting on your options. Conceive a child because you want to. Adopt because you want to. But with either of these choices, leave the guilt at the door.

Felicita1

I agree with your boyfriend. Many people feel it is not the same.

There is nothing wrong with having a child of your own. By adopting a child you are not doing anything to solve overpopulation because those children would be born anyway, especially in undeveloped nations where lack of education of women and birth control are causing a huge rise in births. We cannot do anything about this. In North America and most developed nations, the replacement birth rate is seldom met and your child would not be a drain on society.

Adopting a child from foster care may provide a child with a home who needs one, but is this what you were referring to? Somehow i don't think so.

Randy B

I've got both. Two adopted daughters and one born to us. Other then when making the differentiation here in this forum they are always refered to as my daughters. No qualifiers at all. I've never really noticed the difference in their skin colours, the difference in how they look from my wife and I or any other differences. They are my daughters, 100%. It's something that some people have to deal with though and everyone deals with it differently. Hope it works out for you though.

La Vie Boheme

I used to think the same way when I was much younger..I wanted a child of my own and than adopt. In a perfect world I would have adopted but to be able to afford what adoption costs, sadly it's reserved for people in a higher tax bracket.

natalie_edmonds

me and my husband have got 2 kids and we are currently doing the foster carers training. if we get accepted this means i wont be able to have anymore kids of my own because i wont have the room in my house. i do feel a little bit guilty because i know my husband would like another baby but i really dont feel like i want any more of my own and he accepts that and is really excited about the fostering. some people have called me selfish for fostering when ive got 2 kids and can have more of my own but how can it be selfish giving up my time, home and sacrificing as much as i am to look after other peoples children. if i was you i would have a baby of my own first then see how you feel about adopting after that. there will always be children without a home and that is sad but dont let that stop you having your own

Just a Mom

No, crazychick, not all people adopt because it is a last resort. You drive me nuts.

Lots of people adopt because they want to help out children in need of a family. I know lots of older people that have adopted foster children after their biological children moved out and they love them just the same. Adopted children aren't "second rate" children.

However, you shouldn't feel guilty about having biological children. It's a personal choice.

crazychickizback

you shouldn't feel guilty. The only reason I'm looking into adoption is because i may be infertile. I wouldn't even consider it if it turned out there was any way at all to have biological children. Most people don't adopt because they want to-it's a last resort

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