Guilt after chosing adoption for my son?

lizzabif05

Well, sweetie, first let me say I am so proud of you.
You made a very good decision for your son.
And I'm sure you were also performing a very selfless act.
You also made a very hard decision and possibly you could use a support group of some type. I can't imagine going through what you must be, but at the same time, at least you know all about him and they are willing to keep contact with you.
I'm sure his adoptive mother is doing very well with him, he has made it thus far. For you to have those feelings should very well be natural, though. And one day, you will have the chance to have more children God-willing and know what it is to be a mother and what a great mother you will be. You are already a great mother for giving your child a better life than you could have given him without a husband or career.
He will, if his parents are normal, understand why you did what you did, and better yet, if you keep in contact and they allow you to do so, you will be there to explain to him why you did what you did.
I think there may be a confusing point in his life with you there, maybe around 12-15 years old, but he will appreciate it later in life when he understands more about the world.
Please try to find a support group/Christian counselor that can be there for you.

PhilM

This is not a support group. I say this not to be mean, but to make you aware that this is not a good place for support. There may be support groups in your area for first mothers.

I would start by contacting CUB:

http://www.cubirthparents.org/

As for whether you did a good thing or not, only time will tell. I will say this. One thing I'm glad my first mom has never told me since I have met her again was that it was for the best. I didn't feel as though it was for the best. Whether or not it was, I don't want to be told that my pain and suffering was a good thing.

kitta

Do the best you can to keep the adoption open. As the questions come up you will be the one to answer them.

your son will want to know why you made the decision that you did. As he gets older, his questions will change. Only you will be able to answer them.

Problem Child

I dont want to not give you support..you obviously are hurting and are questioning whether you did the right thing. I'm sorry you're in pain, but i'm even more sorry about the pain your son will experience.

To answer more directly your question...your son will always be messed up because you gave him away. It is impossible for an adoptee to feel good about the fact that they were given away no matter what the reason.

you want to be told he is better off...this may be true, however, he will always be an adoptee...given away by his own mother. you cannot do anything to make that pain better or to explain it in a context that makes sense to the child that was abandoned...no matter how good the adopting family is.

Lori A

Birthdays are the hardest. My system actually shut down in a way to protect me when birthdays rolled around. I would remember the day before and then the day after my daughters birthday.

It never really helped to hear people who I didn't know, who had never done it, tell me that I had made the right decision. I had no idea where my daughter was. How could they tell me that my decision was the right one when no one knew how she was doing? You may know where your son is, know that he is being cared for well, I hope so at least. But two years down the road it sounds like another case of permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I truly am sorry for your loss. I understand it all too well. Words are empty when dealing with the loss of a child, no matter how that decision came about, whether you chose to make it or it was made for you, adoption is still a loss and birthdays are the hardest.

sizesmith

Perhaps it's not guilt that's eating you, but the loss of your son? I know that one reason you are right now a great mother to him, is because you put his needs much higher than your own at that point. A good mother tries, even if it's not the best decision every time, to do what's best for her child.

There's going to be a time in his life where he isn't happy with his parents, no matter what. Every child, adopted or not, goes through that stage to a point. I'm glad you stay in contact, because this way, you can always show him how much you love him. There's no determining a "better mother" decision. Quite frankly, as an adoptive mother, my son's first mom will always be his first mom. He just got stuck with 2 is what he'll say when he hits high school-LOL. She's just a different mother. I know there's a lot of people who don't agree with the adoptions that they were in. From what I see in real life, they aren't the rule of adoptee's feelings, but I only know about 72 adoptees personally, and then see the unhappy ones here. As long as you and she communicate in a positive way, he'll know why you chose adoption, and he'll understand, that right or wrong, you did it because you loved him, and tell him the truth, that you always will.

My prayers are with you, and from us adoptive moms, thank you.

anastasia beaverhausen-the real1

"Would I have been a better mother than she is?? "

yes.

myst1998

((((Hugs))))

These are questions you may never really be able to answer... you obviously did what you felt was necessary at the time.

It is a common thing with mothers who chose adoption to feel guilt and remorse afterwards... afterall, you are still losing your child even if you didn't feel you could parent him; placing him willingly doesn't take away the fact he is gone and you will question that decision for the rest of your life. Its okay to feel the way you do, it is all part of the grieving process. ALLOW yourself to grieve... many do not understand or validate your loss in this sort of thing but it is real and you have every right to grieve.

Please email me if you want someone to talk to about how you feel... I have lost a child to forced adoption so I understand the pain of losing a child and it is always helpful to be able to talk to someone about how you are feeling... the whole "a problem shared is a problem halved" thing.

Take care :)

Josephine of the Swamps

It's probably a lot easier to look at from the outside & think you can do a better job. Unless you've EVER been a mother b4 - you have no idea how hard it can get at times. I think you're looking at the situation through rose coloured lenses.

katsblue2001

I think you are experiencing all normal feelings right now. What you did for your son was the most loving thing you could do. If you are still in contact with his family, I'm sure they will tell him about your bravery and love. He won't hate you as long as he knows the truth. You put him in a loving and healthy environment and you should be commended for you wonderful choice. You may mourn on his birthday but you can also celebrate as well. He's growing and learning and feeling safe and loved. What a gift you gave to him! Let him live and someday, you will find all of this out for yourself. The best thing you can do is make sure you keep your life on the right path so he can be proud of you when the time comes.

Râ„¢

Yes- You made a good decision. It was very unselfish of you. The good part is you still get to keep in contact with him/parents. There are a lot of cases where the adoptive parents do not want their child see the biological parents.

As your child gets older he will understand why you made your decision. He should not hate you for it either. Bottom line is, im sure the adoptive parents are great and he will have a wonderful life:)

Keep your head up=)

Blaze

i would say if you were not ready to be a mother then you made the right choice. this is very normal for you to feel guilty but don't because you did what you thought was best

amonky

I think you made the best decision for him maybe it will be difficult for you but its part of facing the responsibility of what you make the best thing you can do is stay in contact with him always and he will some day will see that all you did was gave him the best life you could and that you wanted the best for him for me that's a real mother I'm glad you didn't choose abortion

iluvnerds149

I think that you definetly made the right choice. You were in no place to be a mother and giving him to someone that could give him the kind of life he deserves is one of the most selfless things you could do, and I know it mustve hurt you to do so, but it really is an amazing thing you did for him. Good for you for choosing life, and not abortion, and to give your baby the life he deserves when you knew you couldnt provide it. You shouldnt feel guilty at all, rather you should be proud of yourself.

Marr <3

you made a good choice. you did what was right for him. if you didn't think you would be a good mother, it was right for you to put him up for adoption. yes he may be angry with that decision later down the road but he will know that it was the right choice. he will not hate you for it. and yes you may have been a better mother now, but you just weren't ready then. and thats okay. its better that than have had failed at parenting a newborn baby boy.

don't feel too guilty. he will always love you knowing that you are his true mother.

Katy

I think you made the right choice. Sure, he'll have to tackle the situation when he gets older with his adoptive mother, but I think if he doesn't at first, when he grows older he'll realize that you did what was best for him. It wasn't because you didn't love him, in fact, love was the reason you did it. Staying in touch, you might get the chance to reiterate that.

searching

It's definitely normal to feel this way after a decision like this. I can't tell you much, but the best thing I think you can do, is discuss this with the family that adopted him. Without him there, even though he's young. Be open and honest, ask them questions, get their opinion, advice. Because they are on the other end, they may relate.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find something that will help you cope with this. Best of luck!

AMY

you made the best choice

andylee96706

Well I can't say you made the wrong choice, but you did kind of take the safe route. You didn't really give it a chance and yeah it was unexpected but you never know what could have happened. I'm sure you will always regret this but at least you are not making him go through any hardships or problems. It's great that you are staying so close to them and I hope that you can stay close to him.

Legato-perfecto

You made the right choice. You did what was best for your child.
some mothers don't know what's best for their child.

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